It's tough to watch what the kids go through in their separate relationship with their other parent. And trying to fix it doesn't do a thing for them.
The warrior reamed my daughter one time when she'd forgotten they were supposed to have dinner one evening. (I'd bought tickets to the American Idol tour that night only after confirming that she wasn't busy.) That it was her responsibility to know her schedule.. yadda yadda yadda. I was squirming like a worm on an electric hook with thoughts like: What a frickin' jerk.. how can he be guilting her when he has a secretary and legion of folks to keep him organized, as a dad making something happen is his job!
She was shaken. After she got off the phone she said.. you know, it doesn't sound like he was in the car. I think he forgot he was supposed to pick me up.
I sat on my hands, gnashed my teeth as quietly as possible.
She felt guilty, but enjoyed the concert that night immensely. And she saw beyond his BS.
I had to get over my own angst (I'd forgotten how completely drenched in guilt I always felt) and just be the mom. When she asked about what to do, I asked what had worked best in the past with their get togethers, that maybe having a schedule would work. And that it's a two way street.
It's tough... but being there as a sounding board on how to deal with difficult situations is one of the best gifts you can give your kids. And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be a helpless old lady being wheeled into a nursing home by children who hold grudges.
