8 weeks until D Day!!

[lea74]

I sent my MIL an email explaining the stitch and she responded: 'It is not for me to judge why H left.'

I was really surprised by this response I expected a little more - so no heat for my H. Bit of a whine coming on, but seriously when is he going to going to have is fair share of this drama. He just seems to get away with this bad behaviour. When will someone step up and tell him what he has done is wrong.

I also never got a response from the OW's H so that bombed as well.

[robx]

Lea, you sound surprised by your MIL's response?
Don't be.
In the end regardless of how great a relationship you had with her, she is your husband's mother and if he jumps off a cliff, she will support him in this.

You also may be late to this party as well.
You don't know for certain that your H didn't already speak to his mother. Maybe told her a bunch of bad things about you, how he couldn't live in that environment anymore and that he really wanted to be happy and that maybe meant pursuing a relationship with another woman. Seriously it's not that far fetched to consider this.

You got the response from your MIL
'It is not for me to judge why H left.'

If your husband had spoken to his mother and told him you had cheated and had an affair, your MIL would take a strip out of you, I can guarantee that.

It may be unfair but it is reality and you know my take on that, observe reality, follow reality, don't reject reality, just go with it.

If you were expecting your MIL to tear into your hubby, that was the wrong assumption, it will never happen, she just wants her son to be happy, with or without you. She would never put you in front of him, it rarely ever works like that.

So back to reality...
No one will tell him what your husband's done is wrong because it doesn't matter who is wrong or right, it won't change the situation, you can't guilt him into coming back, that never works.. As far as his share of the drama, let go of the need for him to experience anything bad. Yes he got away with it.

As for OW's husband, are they still married, separated?
Do you know. Are you sure he rec'd your communication on this? Again if he doesn't care, nothing much you can do at this point.

What's your plan right now given the current situation?

Sitting around, twiddling thumbs and hoping someone to give your husband a reprimand for his actions didn't work out. What's next?

[lea74]

Yeah I know Rbx you are right. I guess he did get away with it. I guess I just want to share some of this pain - I am sure in time I will over it.

I was really surprised by MIL's response. My H is one of 4 boys and she has always said that she would take the daughter-in-laws side. I guess I expected her to live up to her word.

My H has just had a 2 week holiday with her and since then she has been very quiet so I am sure that my H told her a bunch of cr*p.

The OW and her H are seperated - that I know for a fact. I cant confirm he received my communication, and I dont know if he cares.

So whats next?? I read somewhere that if you are going to D to at least get the best D you can. So right now I am making sure that I get the best settlement I can for myself and my kids. I have to send an email this week (which has been verified by L) re the maintenance I required. I think that this will really get my H going.

I have two girls nites planned for the next 2 weeks and my sons and I are going on Holiday to portugal for a week. We have never been on holiday just the 3 of us so am looking forward to that and some sunshine.

[lea74]

The other thing I am doing is going dark - really dark. Apart from the email I have to send I havent spoken to H in 2 weeks, and only on handover.

I dont respond to texts or emails at all. However, for some reason now, I miss him. I mean really miss. I am really confused why now??? He has been gone for 8 months now and I didnt miss him before but now I do - I can actually feel it in my gut.

Aghh!!

[flowmom]

Lea, I think that's the withdrawal stage. I really recommend that you read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Relationship-Beginning/dp/0425172287

It really talks about the experience of abandonment, and healing from it.

Going dark = good idea. Holiday = good idea. take care.

[CityGirl]

You may miss your H because you are choosing to no longer respond to him. When the two of you were in contact (even if the contact was not healthy) at least it was *something*. It was familiar and while not always pleasant the connection was still somewhat there.

As far as the OW's H not responding to your message it may very well be because they are already separated. I know in our Separation Agreement I had a clause added that my exH was NOT to interfere in any outside relationships I had under any condition be it a romantic, platonic or family R.

My in laws and grand parent in laws really wanted to keep in touch with me as we were all VERY close. My policy remained the same... anybody who supported my H's affair had no place in my life. And his family provided him with money and free housing so that was that. His mom did contact me a while back just asking how I was but I never responded to her e-mail. I was kind with my goodbye but I meant what I said. Of course there was some confusion as my H told his family our split was mutual and hid his affair for a very long time. Blood is blood no matter what words were said when things were decent.

[avermont]

Just got this book in the mail today.

Boy, why don't I get to read lots of science fiction and trashy murder mysteries? Why do I gotta read all this cr*p about how I have to heal from this cr**ppy sitch!! (insert whine!)

Also--please do look at The Work. I swear this stuff is working on me. I think I actually said and "almost" felt: I can accept OW moving into my house. (If that's how it turns out)

I, too, wished someone would take my X aside and deliver a sermon and/or a spanking. But I think we all have to be satisfied that people who treat other people badly will get the karma returned somehow, someday. Not as satisfying as your MIL disowning him, but it may be all the comfort we can get.

Take care of yourself, take care of your sons.

[goldfiber]

Lea, it by alt you mean fb, then yes. I know the feling to want to see/know that S is getting some pain from all this. Sometimes it doesn't happen when you think it needs to. Your H will get his come uppance, its just a matter of time.

I would guess you were late telling mom, H had already gave her his version of what happened. Being that you were close to her, he had to put you down pretty good for her to take the stance she has taken. It's all script, don't let it bother you.

[lea74]

Yeah you are right. I was probably too late to tell my MIL, especially as my H has just had a 2 week vacation with her. He must have told her some really ‘interesting stuff’ as she has gone really quiet. I just find it so hard to believe as she has actually been there when my H tried to hit me once.
I guess I have been too late about everything. Realising the reality of the A and then exposing it to other man and my H’s family. I guess I am just naive or believe the best of people.
I didn’t want to tell my MIL sooner as I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and spare her the hurt about the reality of her son. If I had told her sooner about the A then I guess I would have gotten the satisfaction that I am looking for. However, that is just now who I am.
I guess if I am the type of person that can spare persons feelings and not try to be vindictive then that is just the person I am and I need to accept that. Maybe I need to take some pride in the fact that I didn’t go around trying to be vindictive – not sure.
I do agree with the policy though that if you support his decision then you cant be part of my life. Unfortunately as my MIL and FIL live in another country they don’t get to see what is going on.
I do believe in Karma though and I am sure he will one day get his come uppance.

Take care all and thanks for the input.

((( )))

[goldfiber]

Lea, are you on alt?