I'm not telling you to hump every skirt you come into contact with
Clear and Dry right there folks...
Date them - Don't "hump" (what are we in grade school?) them.
As fearful as I was of you Rob...
I have to admit you do make a lot of sense -
Not my forte though if I ever found myself in this same predicament again -
I won't be so "doormattish" next time.
Serenity you know I try to inject some humor in my posts, I don't want to "scare" anyone away ;-)
And you have nothing to be afraid of Serenity, I'm just here trying to help those unfortunate people that have found themselves in that "doormattish" position you referred, it sucks being walked all over and taken advantage of, I'm here to even up the odds so to speak.
Yes dating, not humping.
Going out, meeting new people, stepping out of that comfortable zone and learning something about yourself, maybe making a new friend, enjoying a meal or a drink with a stranger who you may not even see again afterwards but still good for boosting that confidence to where it needs to be during all of this process.
TD, you need to get out and do what I said, even if you can't go on an actual date, you can put up the appearance to your wayward wife that this is what you're doing without actually saying you're doing it. Go out once or twice a week in the evenings and stay out late and be mysterious as to your whereabouts.... "I just went out with a friend, you don't know them..." and that's it.
She pursues him. She calls him, tries to contact him secretly, doesn't like it when you try to expose the affair, etc. She pursues him because that's what she wants and you are trying to take something away from her that she wants - those are her feelings (remember her actions are emotionally fueled, not logically)
My thinking on this has shifted over time. At first, I thought it was mostly OM's fault (he is a known predator/womanizer) and that my W was just looking for friendship, etc. Later I realized she was calling him a lot, but I figured if she wasn't then he would be doing it - it was just that he didn't have to. Now I think my W is just 'broken' and hopelessly addicted to this whole thing - especially now that she is coming to the brink and will actually move out most likely (and face not being with her kids every day etc etc).
In fact, a good friend of mine who has been through several marriages told me this "she is BROKEN and you can't do anything about it". It matches what everyone here knows - you can't fix them. Anyone who would cling to this OM is definitely broken I figure. Our M wasn't the greatest over the past 3 years (not untypical problems of long-term marriages with 4 kids), but she wanted to work on it until OM came along. I just didn't realize how unhappy she was or how vulnerable (famous last words, I know).
Quote:
When you stop pursuing, when you stop fighting reality and her seeing the OM, when you start saying "it's ok, you should be with the OM, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, this is actually for the best, now I can find someone new too"
Yes this is the only thing left to do. I got fed up when she confronted me about the thing OM told her last week and said that I shouldn't have to share a house with someone who continues to talk to this guy and even listen to his lies about me so she should move out and be with him. Since then she has been very different. Distant - yes. Angry - yes. However, I didn't go as far as you suggest in that conversation and state that I was going to find OW too.
Also, as far as 'going out' one thing I have done quite a bit over the past couple of months is stay out on weeknights with people involved with my sports organization. We frequent a sports bar in town where lots of people go talk about the league, etc and just hang out. I also am constantly going to meetings here and there in the evenings related to this same activity (I am the President and have a board of about 25 people). At one point or more than once she has seemed irritated that I was gone or if I stated I was going out or to some meeting she would say "Where are you going?? Who is going to be there??" she hasn't given a rats-a$$ about what I do much at all over the past year, but I am hanging out with new people and doing new things. Can't hurt I figure. It certainly gets my mind off of the whole mess.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
My thinking on this has shifted over time. At first, I thought it was mostly OM's fault (he is a known predator/womanizer) and that my W was just looking for friendship, etc. Later I realized she was calling him a lot, but I figured if she wasn't then he would be doing it - it was just that he didn't have to.Now I think my W is just 'broken' and hopelessly addicted to this whole thing - especially now that she is coming to the brink and will actually move out most likely (and face not being with her kids every day etc etc).
In fact, a good friend of mine who has been through several marriages told me this "she is BROKEN and you can't do anything about it". It matches what everyone here knows - you can't fix them. Anyone who would cling to this OM is definitely broken I figure.Our M wasn't the greatest over the past 3 years (not untypical problems of long-term marriages with 4 kids), but she wanted to work on it until OM came along. I just didn't realize how unhappy she was or how vulnerable (famous last words, I know).
Quote:
When you stop pursuing, when you stop fighting reality and her seeing the OM, when you start saying "it's ok, you should be with the OM, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, this is actually for the best, now I can find someone new too"
Yes this is the only thing left to do. I got fed up when she confronted me about the thing OM told her last week and said that I shouldn't have to share a house with someone who continues to talk to this guy and even listen to his lies about me so she should move out and be with him. Since then she has been very different. Distant - yes. Angry - yes. However, I didn't go as far as you suggest in that conversation and state that I was going to find OW too.
Also, as far as 'going out' one thing I have done quite a bit over the past couple of months is stay out on weeknights with people involved with my sports organization. We frequent a sports bar in town where lots of people go talk about the league, etc and just hang out. I also am constantly going to meetings here and there in the evenings related to this same activity (I am the President and have a board of about 25 people). At one point or more than once she has seemed irritated that I was gone or if I stated I was going out or to some meeting she would say "Where are you going?? Who is going to be there??" she hasn't given a rats-a$$ about what I do much at all over the past year, but I am hanging out with new people and doing new things. Can't hurt I figure. It certainly gets my mind off of the whole mess.
Look at the points that are in bold, stop applying your logic to this situation as to how she should act.
You're going out more and she notices, noticed enough to ask who you are going out with. Now you've become a little predictable with your sportsbar hangout with the guys and what not, so when you go out this week, it won't be to the sportsbar, I don't care if you have to drive to the next town and back just go out and look different too, gel up the hair, put on the cologne, look like you're going out to impress someone (don't do the suit & tie thing obviously).
Yes I analyze this (how she should act and why is she so crazy?) way too much so thanks for splashing the water on me.
OK on varying the hangout (but actually the sports bar has lots of women around too - I met a few one night recently and some of my friends who are 'in the know' about my situation at home are trying to introduce me to people already).
Perception - I get it.
Another thing that changed recently is that I got a new higher paying job and I think more $$s are on the way over the course of the year as things start happening for me there. I had to really upgrade my wardrobe and am traveling a lot also. Job is going really well so I usually mention that to W when I get a chance - I figured it sets me off from OM and creates a big contrast (he is basically an unambitious guy who works once in a while driving a cement mixer, but otherwise lives off of the woman he had a kid with).
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Yes I analyze this (how she should act and why is she so crazy?) way too much so thanks for splashing the water on me.
OK on varying the hangout (but actually the sports bar has lots of women around too - I met a few one night recently and some of my friends who are 'in the know' about my situation at home are trying to introduce me to people already).
Perception - I get it.
Another thing that changed recently is that I got a new higher paying job and I think more $$s are on the way over the course of the year as things start happening for me there. I had to really upgrade my wardrobe and am traveling a lot also. Job is going really well so I usually mention that to W when I get a chance - I figured it sets me off from OM and creates a big contrast (he is basically an unambitious guy who works once in a while driving a cement mixer, but otherwise lives off of the woman he had a kid with).
Again, another lesson in logic, trying to appear better than the other man doesn't work. She sees through it. When you try to prove to someone else that you're better than another person it actually does the opposite. When you attempt to prove value you are communicating you actually have little or none.
That OM doesn't have to communicate value, you said it, he's a bum, unambitious, etc. yet she perceives his value to be higher than yours, think about that, it has nothing to do with your money or job so no need to communicate that to her anymore.
I've just started to "date" and within days of a new female friend agreeing to go somewhere as "friends", my W asked if there was a new person in my life. I have NO idea where this came from since we are separated but she asked and I answered "yes there is".
Feel free to check out my sitch and robx I would appreciate your candor and wisdom if you get a chance to catch up on it too.
Thanks,
Ken
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Robx - I guess you are right - she has known all along these differences but still chooses this guy.
Ken - I wonder if your W just sensed it in your attitude or heard something through the rumor mill?
I just started to think more this afternoon about what it will be like when she leaves. I think it will actually be a relief in some respects, but sad in others. I think a burden will be lifted - I won't have to deal with her every day but I will wonder what she is doing and with whom.
I am already starting to think about things I want to do to the house once she has gone. I have always wanted a nice chair to relax in and watch TV (LaZBoy type). I will get that and remove some of the other furniture assuming she doesn't take it to her new place. I also want to put in some light fixtures that she has never wanted to put up, and also tear out some bushes/trees that I have never liked in our yard! Also, I have never been a big dog person but we have 2 labs that she will likely take to her new place. The advantage will be that I won't have to clean up after them (dog hair in my pool, on our patio, dog crap in the yard, etc etc). I would rather have a W obviously and put up with these things, but I will be able to do some things I have always wanted if she goes.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
