Thanks Robx - I always enjoy reading your advice and have tried to follow a lot of it during this ordeal.
Yes I am very solid on staying in the house now. I briefly considered the alternately-moving-out scenario a few weeks back under the condition that she completely cut off contact with OM and we actually do something to work on the M and she refused, so I retreated back to "you are moving out because you don't want M, I am staying here" and she accepts that.
Her world is going to radically change - we have a 4000 SF home with a pool and lots of pets and 4 kids. She will be in a small place that the kids don't want to be at I figure and will not be able to only work 2 days a week anymore (what she has done for 20 yearS). It is amazing what they are willing to give up for OM. It seems crazy and that it would be just so easy to work on the M instead, but I digress.
The other thing that I have been unwavering on, which she hasn't questioned, is that I stay in our bed. She has been sleeping either in the kids rooms or on a couch in an extra bedroom for 9 months now after I gave her another 'cut off contact with OM or move out' ultimatum after I caught her talking to him again (but with a prepaid phone).
Ultimatums rarely work, especially when you're dealing with someone in such a volatile emotional state, what you're actually doing (when you understand the logic of her emotional state and how she rationalizes her actions) is pushing her to do this more. You are stimulating these feelings in her because you are saying she can't have what she wants. She's in love with her feelings (believe me and what I'm saying here) and you are going against those feelings so you're going against her which pushes her away even further.
Let her talk with the OM just tell her not to do it in front of you or the kids because that is disrespectful and you tell her that you won't talk with other women in front of her and the kids.
Her next response will be "other women?! what other women?" and your response will be "nothing for you to worry about, I get it, you want to be with the OM and you should be with him, I just don't want to wait around for you anymore, you should be with him and I'm moving on too."
No details, you remain mysterious, you don't tell her what other women (right now, there aren't any), you start locking your cell phone with a security PIN number and then leave your cell phone out and I guarantee she will try to unlock your phone and view your calls and text msg's.
Fear of loss is easy to generate and goes a long way to disrupting her existing emotional state and feelings for the OM.
You see in all of this... this was her decision, she's been in control throughout all of this.
When you first got together, you decided to see each other, date, eventually get engaged, get married, have children, buy a home, cars, go on vacations, etc. Those are all decisions you made together. Then one day she decides to have an affair, you didn't make that decision together, she took control of the relationship, she took the power and she's held on to it all this time, because she has something you've wanted, HER and the marriage. She knows this and it's her power. When you stop pursuing, when you stop fighting reality and her seeing the OM, when you start saying "it's ok, you should be with the OM, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, this is actually for the best, now I can find someone new too", when you stop asking her to go to counselling, when you stop telling her she can't contact the OM, etc. This will all throw her off.
Up until now this has been her decision, she held the power, this was going her way until you stop playing that game and start moving in the opposite direction. She pursues the OM, do you see that? She pursues him. She calls him, tries to contact him secretly, doesn't like it when you try to expose the affair, etc. She pursues him because that's what she wants and you are trying to take something away from her that she wants - those are her feelings (remember her actions are emotionally fueled, not logically) You are pursuing her, you want the marriage to work, you want her to go to counselling, etc. What happens when you stop pursuing relationship talk, when you stop pursuing her and the marriage, when you start detaching and saying "hey this is actually going to be alright!", when you tell her to be with the OM instead of fighting against that (and fighting against her feelings). What happens when you stop pursuing and actually move in the opposite direction? Think about it, she can't pursue you or chase you when you are chasing her? So allow her some space in this dynamic you have going on, start dating and seeing other women, I'm not telling you to hump every skirt you come into contact with but get out there and heck if you can't do this, can you put up the appearance that you're doing that, pick a night this week and when you come home tell her you're going out and get all showered up, shave, fix up the hair, put on some new duds, look fresh and go out and don't come back home til late at night. Mystery, it works.
