feel like giving up - pt 2

[mindfull]

Luv - Four months is nothing. Seriously.

[talia]

Luv,
I'm not going to diminish your hopelessness... I know how you feel. Lets change it up. Forget for a min about the whole "filing first" thing... How much time do you feel DBing should take? How much time are you willing to devote to change? How much time do YOU need to get YOUR crap figured out?

I think your expectations for fixing this aren't in line with the reality of actually putting in the time.

Lets just say ... for example.. that 1/2 your time together has been leading to this breakdown... so its been going bad slowly for 11 years! Do you really think that 4 months to fix it is enough? What if its been going bad for 2 years... is 4 months a reasonable amount of time to fix it?

I don't know what the "right" time frame is... but I'm pretty sure 4 months ISN'T the right time frame to gage if its fixable...

That being said... It MIGHT be time for some tough love. I think you said you read "Love Must be Tough" - might be time to implement that... Give him an ultimatum to get with it or get out...

Hang in there - this is a marathon not a sprint!

T

[luvless]

Hey T,

DBing doesn't really work on my H he sees it as me being distant and it irritates him when I go out so thats how it is. The reason I want to file first is because I don't believe I have any time left.

I am willing to devote myself 100% for change and I know that starts with me. I have to implement this while going through D so I can come out the other side a better person. I need about a month to get my crap figured out if I had the time but I don't think I have that much time.

I do agree that its time to get with it or get out. I never wanted to give him an ultimatum. I don't even think I have to. I clearly see he wants no part in this. I just don't know what he's waiting for. Maybe ow to leave her H!

Ya know I don't regret anything I haven't done because I truly believe it would have not made a difference. My H is not interested in this marriage and it certainly shows.

[ImprovedRomeo]

[quote] a husband will want sex and the wife will act like it's the biggest chore but will satisfy his request. that is worse to a guy than getting rejected. Or, they will say ya, but not be in it at all. same thing.

Umm...ST, how do you know so much about Mrs. Romeo LOL

Luvless, DB'ng isn't for your husband, it's for you. Remember I said you can't control what he does but you can control what you do. Is it a guarantee that it'll work? no but it has worked for many and improves your odds along with improving your self esteem.

You say he sees you as distant and it irritates him, that's normal. Remember I said it makes the other person mad at first because they're no longer the center of your universe. They see that they're losing control of the situation, or seeing you slip away from them and they're afraid of that. That's preceisely what they need to feel so they snap out of it. However, these changes have to be permanent. You can't try them for a few weeks and expect miracles. Like I said they will improve the odds.

Also, the divorce should have no bearings on your ability to DB. Set your boundaries, don't talk about D, R etc, don't give him ultimatums, don't do anything you might regret later on. Just keep your end of the street clean without becoming a doormat. Read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1358197#Post1358197

and a few others in that section.

[luvless]

good advice SR ^

[kara]

Luv

Why do you feel that time is against you?

Four months is NOTHING!!!!!

What are you doing for LUV? How are you investing in yourself and detaching while this goes on? How are you feeding and nourishing LUV? You need to get LUV to a healthy place.

[luvless]

I know Kara thanks...

I feel like time is against me because I see my H leaving very soon.

It's been hard trying to do for me while I'm figuring out a way to bust up his affair and go to owH. I hate being preoccupied with having to find this info out and busting up husband's party. He avidly denies this affair (says its just a friend) and swears to God nothing sexual has happened. I do not believe this for one second.

I am going to be ok. I know I will. I am ready to face what comes my way. I'll be sad and have some bad days but I'm gonna fight to get Luv back. I won't let this D ruin me.

Thanks guys for your support

[talia]

Luv,
I'm going to challenge you a little bit. I think you are playing the (que Kartman voice) "Screw you guys, I'm going home" attitude towards this. This isn't about "I'll D him before he D me" its about doing what works. SO WHAT if he leaves? SO WHAT if he goes to her? SO WHAT if he files first?

Only you can decide you want to play thing thing out. I'm curious... and please answer these for yourself and for us to better help you....

Why are you so worried about H leaving?
What could H possibly do to you legally/financially?
Why does it matter so much to you that H not serve you?
Why do you feel that time ISN'T on your side? Have you read up on affairs? - time is your FRIEND!
Why is it so hard for you to pickup the phone, call OWH and say "Hi, I'm Luv, Your wife is having A with my H" ?
Why is it you think that this should only take a short amount of time... it too you years to get into this mess, right?


You have a very defeatist attitude towards this. You keep saying you want your marriage to work, but ask yourself, Do you really? Or do you want it to work if H does? There is NOTHING wrong with either answer. You need to start to see that there are so MANY people on these boards who didn't see ANY ANY ANY ANY indication that their spouse was EVER going to change their mind for months/years! I'm not saying that any particular timeframe is right for you - everyone needs to decide that for themselves. It's an intensely personal decision as to how long you will wait/waste on another person!

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM in this - STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!!! (I know you are going to tell me you are not - but you are) The defeatist attitude you are projecting makes you a victim.
"He's not ever going to come around and see it my way , so I guess I just have to file for D before he does" <- victim
"I cannot be married to a man who cheats on me and I will not compete for the love of my H, therefore I am filing for D" <- In control - see the difference?

You have so many more tools to use on this project before you give up. If you are done, you are, and that's OK. But it seems to a lot of us (I think) that you don't want to be....

Start looking at things from a "will work" position instead of a "won't work" position. You have NO IDEA what your H is thinking... you can't possibly know how he truly feels about the M right now. STOP ASSUMING you know and start DOING what works... give it enough time to have an effect and THEN see what happens.

MONUMENTAL change is necessary to solve these situations - have your changes to YOU been that big?? ONLY when you have BIG changes with YOU can you affect big changes in others!

Hugs

T

[luvless]

Damn...I thought I was past these sad feelings. I woke up this morning with such an ache...ugh.

H got in 2 hrs later than normal and came with 4 cookies and handed one to each of us. He looked around for dinner but we were long done. We watched a movie and went to bed.

This morning he was very mean...like he wanted to start a fight with me. I didn't say a word and he was complaining why did I put his sweatshirt on the floor (in my room) he came into the kitchen and I said, "no reason for you to talk to me that way" he put his hands up and said, "leave me alone"...very nasty attitude.

He rushed out the door and mumbled have a good day. I haven't seen this kind of hostility in a while. Maybe he's mad because I took down his MBA plaque from the bedroom wall yesterday and replaced it with a picture of the kids...who knows?

My best friend flies in today so I get to see her for a while so I'm happy about that. I am not feeling so good inside. I'm trying to suck it up. This has to fade.

God give me patience.

[Coach]

It's been hard trying to do for me while I'm figuring out a way to bust up his affair and go to owH.

You can choose to be a victim or a strong, confident, self-respecting and wise woman. Your choice. I don't believe you don't know what to do. I think you are scared and don't love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. The first step in not being a doormat is get up off the floor. You can handle it.

Cheers