Game Point

[tryingtilDorR]

I should have probably added a little more background - MIL takes care of our kids every Tuesday and has dinner over there for them. Usually W stops by there after she is off work to pick them up. That day we were all together at D16s game and we all went to MILs.

It turns out that I am very close with my ILs and W resents it, but I don't flaunt it with her. I am actually amazed at how supportive they are of me in this situation since I know in most situations ILs support their own no matter what. They had another situation where W's uncle was a WAS and they stood steadfastly by his wife as he ran off the rails. He ended up going down a very self-destructive path after he left his W and they envision something similar for my W and are concerned for our kids. I actually think she will end up in a self-destructive pattern as well (already is I think). ILs have told her that OM is not welcome around them ever. I don't think W has told OM this.

I have been angry quite a bit over the past 6-12 months. I realized that anger was driving a lot of my behavior and many decisions. I had convinced myself that if W moved out to be with OM I would file for D. However, I realized that I should only do this if that is what I truly want, but not just in response to her actions. I will be satisfied initially that she has taken the initiative to leave our home finally after all this time, and then take stock of the situation. I am not sure if I would want her back after she was with OM or not, so if I am not sure I should just wait to decide I think until I am sure.

I told her I was deciding to not file anything in the short term even if she moves out, and that if she wants a D she can file. I may decide I want a D at some point afterward, but that I wasn't going to pull the trigger just because she moves out.

She said:

you mean if I leave and am out having sex with other men you won't D me?

I said it is a hypothetical situation (I think - she may already be doing this for all I know), and I would cross that bridge when I come to it.

I have been consistent in trying to get her to take responsibility for her own actions: If you want to continue your R with OM then move out; If you decide you don't want to be M anymore then file for D; etc etc. She tries to half-blame things on me:

I told you I am only here for kids and you told me to stay (not correct - I told her to stay if she stopped communicating with OM and she always leaves that detail out). You said you wouldn't pay if I left (true not until we saw the mediator to come up with a fair assumption about how much she works).

I will see where she goes with this. My prediction is that she moves out and doesn't file anything. She just wants me to pay to help her if she moves out. She told me today that for the first few months she would possibly not have me pay the full amount we agreed to in mediation since money is pretty tight right now. The agreed-upon support amount we got through mediation is a bargain for me since she could easily file for a temporary support order that would have me paying a lot more, so I am cooperating with her on this front.

Once she is gone I will re-assess my options at that point. She is aggressively looking for places to live, even considering buying a small place with her own pre-marital money she has for a down payment.

One other interesting note from last week - W got all wound up and told me that I needed to

stop spreading rumors about me - you told someone that I was having sex with OM on my days off.

This is not true at all, and I was wondering where the heck she heard this. I get her to admit to that OM told her he heard this from someone. In fact it came from his live-in quasi-GF (for more on that read my original thread). I had contact her in December and told her that W doesn't work certain days and that I had proof that they talked a lot on those days but also suspected that they met with each other but didn't have specific proof. I told W that the GF was probably drawing her own conclusions, and why they heck would she believe anything OM said about me anyway? He definitely got her riled up which was his objective. He is a good manipulator I told her.

I really do think this thing with her an OM will blow up if she moves out. What happens after that who knows - she seems interested in 'dating' in general (she told me this shockingly enough) so OM may be only part of her motivation at this point.