How 2 fix sex issue if he won't let me?

[Young at Heart]

...I would love some advice from people on this sex forum, as that's my husband's #1 complaint.

...I've read some of your posts and a few of you here could be my husband (TeaEarlGray, for instance). So I'd like perspectives from both sides.

I guess we're in Last Resort phase now. My husband wants to S. I know he has a lot of hurt and rejection issues over sex with me. We have been to therapy (he won't go anymore, even just to work on me, on whom he blames all of our problems- I was willing to go just to fix myself but he won't anymore). I have already been through the stages where I admitted what I screwed up on, took full ownership, apologized, empathized with his feelings and offered a 180 of sex whenever he wanted it, and he turned me down, said "I'm done- too little, too late". (I'm simplifying, but this is our last interaction about the topic about a week ago).

So how the hell do I "work on" changing my behavior through actions if he refuses to be intimate with or consider sex with me??? Any insight or advice is welcome. It feels totally off-limits to do anything affectionate like hugging or kissing- I have strong vibes from him that he feels very final about a D (but he is so angry right now he can't see straight), and that he doesn't welcome my touching him. Would it help if I started with things like touching his arm or something that feels less intrusive/ intimate? Btw, I already have a life and am attractive, active and don't need to lose weight.

To the HD H's on here who have felt rejected by their wives-- at the point where you felt like your wife would never change, was there anything (and what was it) that she could've done to prove you wrong? In addition to frequency issues, was it that you wanted her to WANT sex as much as you did, i.e., her just having it and participating with a good attitude when you wanted to - and even maybe enjoying herself - wasn't enough- that you needed her to feel that same WANT that you did? In my case, I show my love many other ways besides sex, but it seems they don't count when the sex isn't as frequent as he wants- do you notice those other ways your wives show love, or do those things not matter at all to you if the sex isn't there?......

....Since our daughter was born I’ve realized that I don’t have much of a partner in parenting, causing much anger and resentment. He also is addicted to video games and spends hours – often instead of with me and D – on computer. His complaint is not enough sex (true, but I’ve been so resentful and felt emotionally abandoned it’s the last thing I feel like- plus I have a physical issue to contend with.)....

Congratulations for realizing what your role in your relationship problem is and for wanting to save your marriage and provide a family setting for your daughter.

I think that you have been given a lot of good advice. In particular on the other thread the New York times article of providing a summer of unconditional love, I thought was a truly inspiring story. In your posts I hear anger, I hear a lack of unconditional love for your husband. But most of all I see language of someone who has not yet forgiven her husband. And yes, touching his arm in the most nonsexual of ways may help.

I will give you a few thoughts from the other side.

First, you say you have "got a life" and don't need to improve anything. Actually, in fairness you said, "Btw, I already have a life and am attractive, active and don't need to lose weight." I would argue that the purpose of getting a life is to also provide a leadership example for how one can change as inspiration to your spouse. That means doing something that is a dramatic change in who you are that makes you interesting and "attractive to your spouse." The attraction doesn't need to be physical, but it probably helps.

To me there are lots of potential GAL things that you could do that might change his mind about who you are and make you a lot more interesting to your husband, that you obviously still care about.

If his thing is "sex" and "video games," what do you know about these aspects of his life? I am not saying you need or should do any of the following, just are there any that you might find mildly amusing/interesting that you could consider as a powerful 180?

Is there some aspects of sex that he craves that you just haven't wanted to be part of (positions, specific acts, role-playing, fetishes, costumes) that might change his mind about who is this woman he married?

Have you ever thought about signing up for say belling dancing lessons or say pole dancing lessons, or maybe (what would melt my heart) massage lessons? Have you ever thought about getting a tatoo? What do you think he would say to your geting a "tramp-stamp" lower back tatoo?(not sure I would do that, but they can be later removed) None of these things have to directly involve sex, just shaking up his image of who you are. Have you ever thought about hosting a sex toy party for some of your women friends or signing up for a local sex shop course on anything from vibrators to bondage for beginners, and asking your husband if he could like to attend with you?

If all of these are just too over the top for you, how about a new hair style, a new make-up set, and one or two new outfits that change the way you look? Think of Stacy and Clinton in the "What not to wear" TV show and how changing an image changed other's perceptions and lives.

What about his video gaming? Is it fantasy based (probably) and if so what kind of fantasy is is based on? Warriors, combat soldiers, wizzardry? Let's say it is based on warriors? Have you ever thought of signing up for say a kick boxing areobic workout routine? Have you ever thought about signing up for fencing lessons? If it is about soldiers, have you ever thought about taking karate lessons or possibly joining the NRA and taking a shooting self defence course or maybe joining a pistol league at a local range (they are always looking for new members and try to be real women friendly)?

The point of this is that you might in your GAL program figure out something that might "draw you closer together" ...whether it is performing for him as a dancer or turning him into your private voyure. Similarly, it could be being able to discuss combat techniques or things that he finds interesting in his gaming with you. If his favorite firearm in shoot-em-up video game is a streetsweeper 12 gauge shotgun, and you tell him that you have fired one at a pay-to-shoot gun range in Nevada and preferred the Thompson 45 ACP submachine gun, he might view you and value your opinions in a whole different way. Have you really read any of his gaming magazines (it could be a nice present to him if he doesn't have any) and studied them to learn about his "world" and interests?

If he were a Star-Trek groupie, have you ever thought of giving him a present to one of their convensions, aranging for babysitting for an extended weekend and a sexy Start-Trek character costume for yourself? Find out what his gaming fantasies are and see if there isn't something you could do or provide him as a present that would draw the two of you closer in something that he loves to do, that isn't directly sex. Be careful not to push him or smoother him. Once you have his mind and interest, the sex you want might follow.

Obviously, you need to figure out how far your integrety will allow you go to "humor him" and become interesting to him, but you sounded like you were willing to stretch quite a bit. Getting a life should be about helping you add positive experiences and skills to your life that you may not put in high priority in the past. Adding self defense skills (you choose the method) is, if you really think about it, a way to improve confidence and add something positive to your life.

In a like way, doing 180's is a way of viewing your relationship as the ultimate sociology experiment and finding out what does and doesn't work with your spouse, if you have the time/patience. The above can also be viewed it the specific things don't appeal to you under GAL as possible 180's that you try to see if they have an effect upon your husband.

My second comment, is that it also sounds like your husband needs some space and distance, which is why he commented about a separation. I would suggest that you not drive him out of the house.

My third comment goes back to the NY Times article advice in the other thread. You need to understand that you can only change yourself. You can not force your husband to do anything. At best you can inspire him through his watching you change to try to change himself to keep up with you.

My final comment is about Chapman's Five Languages of Love. What are your husband's primary and secondary languages of love and are you making him feel loved in those languages? You might be surprised that "just sex" is not one of the languages of love, but that it is related to "touch." Some men when they feel unloved and a need for connection only know that sex is the only way their experience has taught them that they feel connected. I know a lot of men who really want to be hugged as much or more by their wives as they want sex, but sex usually results in getting hugged so they go for the short-cut.

What are your husbands languages of love and what can you do to make him feel loved without having sex? Once you figure that out, ask yourself what are your languages of love and what will make you feel loved? When he does something to make you feel loved, praise him. When you do something for him that he says makes him feel loved, figure out how to do it again in another week or several days or how to work it into a routine or ritual.

My wife is a quality time and act of service person. My rituals include trying to get her coffee in the morning and while she is drinking it asking what she is going to do during the day, and making the bed when she is in the shower getting ready for work. At night during dinner I ask her about her day and at bed try to give her a back massage. Her recent ritual is to hug me when I come home from work and hold me for several second prior to finishing making dinner for me.

Good luck to you. There are others who will probably give you much better advice as they have more experience in what you are experiencing that me.