WAW in PA-I Moved Out in Error & D has been Filed

[Quart9]

Journaling:

The "what if's and should've/could've/would have's" I have too many to list here and they plague my thoughts.

What if my W had not gone on that cruise? Why did I trust her so much and not raise hell about her going without me? What if she had not met OM on there? Would we still be together? What if I had shifted my focus and been more attentive to her before she left? Would she have been less likely to have talked to OM?

She said that after the interaction between her and OM on the cruise she was upset. She told me she confided in her friends and they told her, "you need to evaluate your R and your H. Decide if you want to still be M. How could you have feelings for someone else if you still love your H." How could her feelings develop that quickly for someone else is what I wanna know?

She rejected me almost immediately after she got back but what if I had pushed for more interaction with her. The day she got back from the cruise she went to her friend's house and hungout instead of coming home. They got back early but she did not contact me until that afternoon. She didn't come home until that evening and two days later SHE made the intial call to OM.

What if I had not gone to visit my family during Christmas break like she pushed me to and like my family pushed me to? I should have stayed home and around her. More importantly - what if I had not moved out? I didn't want to and even suggested moving into the other room but she wasn't having it. I should have been more agressive and taken a stand but like a pansey I followed her wishes in hopes of it somehow saving our marriage.

My mistakes seem endless. I can see where she met OM and learned he was S from his W and she said, "hey that's a good idea, I'll do that too so we can be together-xoxoxo!" She had always seemed loyal to me and it makes me sick to see how that loyalty has shifted to OM.

It's amazing how much of her actions follow the WAW/MLC and I wish I would have been more educated about these before. Maybe I could have prevented all of this from going this far down the tube.

It's funny because in an e-mail they sent to each other they talk about how the "stars aligned" for them to meet- and that is no sh!t. Circumstances seemed perfect for their meeting. It seems like the cards were stacked against her and I and this sitch fit in the empty space perfectly. I get so angry when I think about her covering up communicating with him and everything she has done to mask their interactions.

I am puzzled by her abilty to brush off the past nine years of her life with me. It seems like it would be too much to discard in such a short amount of time. Will she ever look back and see it as a mistake? People tell me that their fairy tale will end and the perfect thing they have going will fail. Will it really?

I question if I have jumped the gun by filing on her. She told me, however, that if she wasn't "seeing someone" things would be no different between she and I. It feels like I should believe that. Her actions show it, but maybe I should have been more patient. When I see a picture of her now that feeling that I used to have of love/cherish for her has turned into a feeling of disgust. I never imagined having that feeling towards her.

I have to look out for myself now. I have to move forward with my life. I have to continue to work on me and make me better.