How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[WhatNow]

I'm with you in NC. It stinks. My thread is buried. I feel buried too. Both me and my kids have been written off. H says he wants to be involved with kids, but doesn't do anything about it.

I wanted to point out something I noticed in your post:

"It feels like husband has just written me off (he might feel that from me too even though it is not true). We probably communicate every other day or every two days at this point instead of our usual multiple times a day. He called to ask me our son's size while he was shopping and then told me about some physical therapy appointment he went to."

He is taking temperature! Son's size? Dr appt? Really??

"He then tells me that I am acting cold and distant but this is also after he told me that he was ready to move on."

Temperature taking. "Is she still on the rope/string/hook?"

"when I called him back"

Don't take these calls! Don't call back! He will say all sorts of things to scare you and check if you are still on the hook.
"HE thinks that I am treating him cold, I left him, he is the victim and he must figure out how to move on." He's pouting and wants you to disagree with these things to reassure him.

Maybe Allen can give us a mantra to say.
Something like...i want to be married to you but as long as you are with her, I am out of your life.

How is your NC letter coming?

[Allen A]

This is the benefit of protection phase.

MWD covers this as GAL, but she doesn't go as "hard-ball" on removing the spouse from your life completely before you pursue this... that is where Penny and MWD differ...

I think its a LOT harder to GAL while you are still exposing yourself to your spouse's destructive behaviour daily.. at least it was for me.

There is a "fog" for abandoned spouses too once you start to pursue a life again you realize you can actually have one, without your spouse!

And yes I know there are those attachment pangs like a hunger for lunch inside growling from time to time, but the good news on that is your H feels something similar, or he never had any feelings for you.

His quibbling about you being cold is in my assessment partly his frustraion at not being able to manipulate you and partly his discomfort with the detachment you are pushing on him.

I never saw this much until I saw my WS go through her first withdrawal... two days of panic and wailing... humans do build invisible attachments between themselves.

These attachments get nurtured, celebrated, and cherished through the years. Unfortunately they also get beaten up, neglected, and cast aside...

The physical embodiment of these are the childen we produce.

He does feel something, or he woudl'nt be grumbling to you.

What YOU need to do is protect yourself from that grumbling.. he's only going to manipulate you into an unhealthy place right now.

[Allen A]

yes whatnow I agree.. he's taking temperature since you arne't pursuing...

The idea is to get HIM to pick up the chase again.. but as long as you call him back and give him the temperature of your relationship without him having to earn it... as long as you hand feed him his cake so he can go on his merry way, you aren't gonig to see much change in him.

If you want to see him change, you have to change... you are gradually lessening the calls... you will gradually see a change in him too... the more you cut him out, the more drastic his changes will come along.

It takes a LOT of time, and as long as you are looking over your shoulder at him, he isn't going to budge much at all.

If all he wanted to know was a shoe size he could have texted that.. he CALLED for a REASON.. he did CALL and hear your VOICE did he not?

He did complain about something and NOT JUST cover shoe size yes?

The shoe size like whatnow suggests sounds like a blatant excuse to break protection to me.

[4luv]

Yes, I can see the temperature checking now...I have been trying not to read into what he does.

BTW, I am currently reading the E-book on Intervention and Protection Phase by Tuppy and WOW!! I love this part because this is what I tried to do for a year!!

"One of the biggest mistakes I've seen people make as they come to grips with a partner's infidelity is thinking that the affair is somehow their fault, that they must become the perfect spouse in order to entice their mate back into marriage."

I tried this and it didn't work :-/ I just ended up feeling resentful that it wasn't enough...guess I am just not that patient. I am still reading...haven't gotten to the protection phase part yet.

[Allen A]

I think in the subtext there is a criticism with MWD, but, that's my reding of it...

Penny has, on her forums written that she has a lot of disagreements with MWD on the subject of infidelity. Within building a healthy and lasting marriage she raves about MWD, but PT has a much more aggressive stance on infidelity and is 100% in line with it being an addiction.

That's a big part of the original debate in the other thread, what is more effective in combatting infidelity - bcoming the perfect partner or playing hardball?

And yes, you like many people (including myself) who read MWD try the softball approach and end up frustrated or in some cases (mine) physically ill.

I wasted a lot of time using Bo-Peep until I was so ill i went to a doctor. And I NEVER see a doctor, I despise them.

The resentment does build up yes... PT comments on this too, the protection phase isn't just for you, its for your spouse and for your marriage.. in her view having regular exposure during an affair erodes YOUR respect for yourself, your spouse, and your hope for your marriage.

Further your spouse is exposed to that negative energy and watches your hope fade and it just makes things worse for them too.. they can FEEL the resentment building... protecting your spouse from that gives them a more positive view of you.

In a way, it might be best to do Bo-Peep long enough to leave your spouse with a good last impression and then to go into protection phase... rather than going in there looking like a miserable hag so to speak.. which can happen.

[Allen A]

This is similar to breaking up a fight between two siblings until they cool down and can find the maturity to apologize again.. if you just leave them go at each other someone will get hurt or their attachment crumbles into nearly nothing.

Splitting up two people with their emotions in flux can produce a much healthier result than one pursuing the other and trying to win them over...particularly when they aren't in the mood to hear it... such as when an affair is taking place.

[4luv]

Question..

She says to write an email to the OP. I have only confronted the OP once and that was during the first affair. I haven't confronted since it started again. I just was always advised to not acknowledge or confront OP because that just validates her position in my marriage. OW only knows what husband has told her but he manipulates her too. The email confrontation is suppose not to say too much but enough that you know about the affair and you want your marriage.

Should I send this? I don't think so given where I am currently in my stitch but just wanted to put it out there. At this point with no intel I don't even know if he cut her off. Highly doubt it but I think it might of cooled off a bit.

[WhatNow]

IDK about the letter to the OW.

I sent an email to OW early on In the initial exposure of their affair.

I copied it from PT's site, it went something like, "I know you are involved with my H. Please respect our 23 year relationship and end your contact with him." No drama, nothing she could respond to, nothing disrespectful...high road for me!

But for you, now, I don't know. I was blasting away at the secrecy. That isn't the case for you.

[Allen A]

While you are still in contact with WS or after you send out a protection email?

It would be interesting to see how he reacts to you sending him an email AND to OW at the same time.. the same letter to both of them.

If he IS thinking you are "moving on".. which I suspect is NOT the case, its just another masked manipulation.. he wants to hear you reassure him that he has you in his pocket...

HIM : You are moving on
YOU : I want to save my marriage
HIM : I feel better now, I am going to celebrate with OW.. seeya

If he IS thinking you are moving on then he will get a written proof from both you AND OW that this is not the case

( I strongly suspect OW would share this letter with him)

I can't say how he would react.. but I suspect it might jar something...

Let me think on this one.. ask your father too, he's got some background here so he's a good person to poke at, unless he doens't want to hear about him.

[4luv]

I am not going to send an email to OW. Just think it beats the purpose at this point.

I was having a good day today but I REALLY miss husband now. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. Just really missing him. wish this ride would be over and that i could snap my fingers and be in a happy and loving marriage. I can dream right :-)

Today I got my hair done (new cut...ow ow:-)) and I walked along the water with son and sat under a large tree enjoying the sun and the breeze and my favorite iced tea. It was a lazy day besides working but I need those every now and then. Sometimes I enjoy being alone (I am an only child) but other times I wish I could share some moments with husband.

Well, guess I will spend the rest of the night on this board and working on business plan...anything to keep life moving forward. Sorry for the down posts but just had to get some feelings released.