feel like giving up - pt 2

[4luv]

I agree with flowmom. As I read more of what you have written luvless it hurts a little because my husband would do the same thing. He would say things that he knew would hurt me or push my buttons and then turn around and make sexual advances like nothing happened. Now I get why you have been feeling the way you are. It is very hurtful and demeaning when someone says or does something hurtful and then doesn't acknowledge it. It makes you feel small...almost worthless. Then it also makes you feel crazy and the good in you wants to also ignore that the other person hurt you for the sake of not "rocking the boat" or not starting an argument. But when it happens enough you do feel not valued and less than whole. I am not sure if I am describing this right but this is how I felt when my husband would do that and now I understand where you are coming from.

The difference in your stitch than in mine is that I can no see you making the mistakes that I couldn't see myself making. It is COMPLETELY hard what the posters here are telling you to do but I believe that you are STRONG enough to carry it out. You will need to NOT TAKE TO HEART the things that your husband is saying or doing when he is trying to purposely hurt you. Your husband just doesn't know the APPROPRIATE way to express hurt and frustration right now. When he says something hurtful follow this following exercise from Allen (another poster...replace the references to this guy's wife with your husband):

You really need to learn to take those hits or you need to keep away from her.

I am going to give you an exercise here.

What I want you to do whenever you hear her say soemthing is to try to figure out what she FEELS like at that moment.

well at least one of us will be there for the nezt 3 years
sad, angry, resentful

Those are likley choices

But the MAGICAL part of this exercise is it helps you work with her bcuase you wont' COMMENT BACK once you realize how she FEELS

If you KNOW she feels sad, angry, and resentful you are'nt going to shoot back a nasty comment, you are likley going to remani silent

In my opinion that's the best thing to do when she takes a shot at you... just do what you can to read how she FEELS and then let it go

My guess is right now you aren't trying to "read her" at all when she says that, my guess is you are interalizing it and focussing on how YOU feel having heard that

This is a VERY helpful exercise becuase its something you need to learn when you are communicating... before you talk, you assess how your audience feels and you modify what you say accordingly...

Often people DON'T do the assessment at all and they just say something back and it does damage...

Rather than commenting, and rather than interlaizing and focussing on how YOU feel, try to gauge how she feels when she says that

and feelings aren't

"she wants to leave"

THAT is not a feeling.. that's an idea she gets in RESPONSE to a feeling

A feeling is

Sad
Angry
Happy
Hopful
Bitter
Scared
Frustrated
Lost
Lonely

THESE are what you need to divulge as the subtext of what she's saying

When she says' she's gonig to leave she's very likley trying to TELL you that she's feeling sad and hopeless

YOU need to work with the "I'm feeling sad and hopeless" NOT the "I am going to leave"

OIN, there are men and women on this forum who are dealing with a LOT WORSE than the bullets you are taking every day

1. Your wife isn't having sex with another man
2. Your wife hasn't moved out
3. Your wife hasn't filed for divorce
4. Your wife isnt' even staying in a different bed is she>

I mean seriously... I don't mean to diminish what you are going through but there are people on thsi forum with CHILDREN who are dealing with a LOT LOT LOT worse and they can fight it...

You need to grow.. adults learn to NOT internalize what the spouse says to them in these times and to respond and speak to the emotions your spouse is feeling instead

Talk with her emotions, not her words and you will handle this a LOT better