feel like giving up - pt 2

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I know flow but I do feel like people think I haven't done enough DB'in and somehow it's my fault H hasn't turned around. He hasn't turned around because ow is still in the picture!

His gaslighting trick this weekend (although he was drunk) really confuses me though.

Oh well so be it in the life of a WAS.

luv, it's not that I'm blaming you. I am trying to help you do the best you can to have the best chance in saving your M. The things I have learned is that you can do things to make your chances smaller, and things to make them bigger. your M was already going to most likely fail, but you had a chance, you had a choice to do the best that you could to help save it. Now, I am not in your shoes, and I can only give you advice from what I know that you have told me personally and here. And that's why I have felt you had a lot of control and hope.

of course, if you had done everything perfect to the tee, only God is the one who would know if your M would have been saved. But I know this, the more consistent you are, the easier, and better chance you have.

All we want is to help you save it because that was your desire. Your H has been like this for 4 months...well, I don't know any WAS that only took 4 months. Again, this is about what do you REALLY want. and are you going to take the steps to put you there.

If you can't handle H, then maybe you should do what I said about quiting. You still need to save yourself and do practically everything the same. the differences are the boundaries that you place with your H and your interaction with him.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh, and my H's OW was in the picture for a year. does it make things harder? yes, but it doesn't matter. in my sitch, and I credit my strength to God, after I got over my initial pityparty and depression, I got really really focused and knew what I needed to do and I did it very consistently. I had so many questions I remember, and trying to figure out every little thing he did, but that was just on the boards.

I'm not trying to brag, but if I had not been consistent, and not been focused, I'm pretty sure I would not be here with my H today, or it woulda taken a whole lot longer.

I know this sucks, and we want to help, if you will let us help you.

[LSG]

luvless,

You have supported me already since I have been here, and I am here to support you too. I know that I am new here, but I really think you are a good loving person. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know you have helped me already.

Please don't give up on yourself, and your desire to save your marriage. I guess for me and alot of people here we have to have hope to keep going on. I will pray for you tonight and everyone else here when I pray that my marriage will make it too.

[luvless]

ST - I feel my situation is hopeless but you're right I keep forgetting how long your H ow was in the picture. He came back because he probably realized he still loved you. I don't see that happening with mine. His unhappiness is directed at me and by leaving me it goes away (so he thinks)

LSG - Thank you for stopping by. Your support and prayers are welcomed. I look forward to helping you too.

Now for yesterday's Update - I was cooking dinner but was saying "I'm in the mood for a hamburger" so H says, "so let's go get one." I ignore him and keep making dinner for kids (chicken fajitas) so he says, "let them finish that and let's just go." I reply, "I don't want to go if you're going to be making rude comments." He says, "I won't" so we go.

At the table after a beer in him H starts talking about us. How he is bothered that I told him a couple months ago that if we were done we couldn't be friends. I told him friends don't betray you. He was talking about his unhappiness within himself and us blah blah

He continued to talk about things and even brought up divorce on the way home. He has never mentioned D before. I guess time is near huh? He was on his BB last night and he quickly put it away when I came into the room. I told him he needs to leave and take his BB with him. My S15 was right there and he said, "yeah dad your phone is annoying." He used to have my name logged into his cell "my name Luv" he removed the Luv. I said, oh you took off the Luv huh? he replies, "cuz there is none." He has no reservations when it comes to lashing out at me.

I went to lie down in the room and he comes in and smacks my butt and grabs my boob (ok now I'm getting really offended) here. How disgusting is my emotionally abusive H? No one can stand what they are reading right now. A little later after going back into the livingroom I decided I'd had enough and I went to bed and he came into the room and said, "goodnight hun" and went to kiss me on the lips. Not once has he said that to me...in months much less kiss me on top of it. It wasn't done in a sarcastic manner but I felt horrible.

You guys...I let him drag me back into his web I went to bed crying and asking myself what am I doing and how I need to get away from this man who is causing me so much grief.

I was feeling a little better about myself and leaving and now I feel down again. I feel bad. I took 10 steps back!

[ImprovedRomeo]

luvless, I haven't read your sitch other than the last couple of posts. It sounds to me that he's very unsure of himself if he's making passes at you and being an @ss at the same time. What I suggest doing is:

1. Stop pursuing him if you aren't already - you have nothing more to lose - he'll do what he wants to do and pursuing him only makes him bolder and you little in his eyes.

2. Remove yourself from the environment if possible, even if you have to be in the same house, sleep elsewhere, or set boundaries. You don't have to be mean but you need him to feel the realities of being without you. Initially he'll be mad but sooner or later he'll realize what it means to be without you.

3. Spend time with the kids, friends and family - make your own plans, do things that you want to do. Don't make him the center of your universe. It's important that he sees you as a strong independant person who's not dying for his affection.

You can't control anyone's actions but your own and through your actions you can change others behavior.

In my situation, my wife and I were apart for 2 years (I've been here since 2006), she filed for a divorce, came back. 2 years later she moved out again recently.

[flowmom]

Luvless, I'm reading your post as

- you repeatedly rejecting your H

- your H expressing hurt feelings in various ways (including mentioning D)

Both of you confused and hurt by one another's behaviours .

[luvless]

Stupid Romeo your name is hysterical. I've done most of what you've said already. I do go out to dinner or run errands with him maybe I should stop that too. I don't see how it will make a difference. He is on his way out anyway and just waiting for the right time.

Flow - I have not repeatedly rejected him. It may seem that way but I haven't for the most part. I agree both are confused at hurt by one another's behaviors but it still doesnt take away the fact that H has no intention of wanting M to work.

Luv

[4luv]

I agree with flowmom. As I read more of what you have written luvless it hurts a little because my husband would do the same thing. He would say things that he knew would hurt me or push my buttons and then turn around and make sexual advances like nothing happened. Now I get why you have been feeling the way you are. It is very hurtful and demeaning when someone says or does something hurtful and then doesn't acknowledge it. It makes you feel small...almost worthless. Then it also makes you feel crazy and the good in you wants to also ignore that the other person hurt you for the sake of not "rocking the boat" or not starting an argument. But when it happens enough you do feel not valued and less than whole. I am not sure if I am describing this right but this is how I felt when my husband would do that and now I understand where you are coming from.

The difference in your stitch than in mine is that I can no see you making the mistakes that I couldn't see myself making. It is COMPLETELY hard what the posters here are telling you to do but I believe that you are STRONG enough to carry it out. You will need to NOT TAKE TO HEART the things that your husband is saying or doing when he is trying to purposely hurt you. Your husband just doesn't know the APPROPRIATE way to express hurt and frustration right now. When he says something hurtful follow this following exercise from Allen (another poster...replace the references to this guy's wife with your husband):

You really need to learn to take those hits or you need to keep away from her.

I am going to give you an exercise here.

What I want you to do whenever you hear her say soemthing is to try to figure out what she FEELS like at that moment.

well at least one of us will be there for the nezt 3 years
sad, angry, resentful

Those are likley choices

But the MAGICAL part of this exercise is it helps you work with her bcuase you wont' COMMENT BACK once you realize how she FEELS

If you KNOW she feels sad, angry, and resentful you are'nt going to shoot back a nasty comment, you are likley going to remani silent

In my opinion that's the best thing to do when she takes a shot at you... just do what you can to read how she FEELS and then let it go

My guess is right now you aren't trying to "read her" at all when she says that, my guess is you are interalizing it and focussing on how YOU feel having heard that

This is a VERY helpful exercise becuase its something you need to learn when you are communicating... before you talk, you assess how your audience feels and you modify what you say accordingly...

Often people DON'T do the assessment at all and they just say something back and it does damage...

Rather than commenting, and rather than interlaizing and focussing on how YOU feel, try to gauge how she feels when she says that

and feelings aren't

"she wants to leave"

THAT is not a feeling.. that's an idea she gets in RESPONSE to a feeling

A feeling is

Sad
Angry
Happy
Hopful
Bitter
Scared
Frustrated
Lost
Lonely

THESE are what you need to divulge as the subtext of what she's saying

When she says' she's gonig to leave she's very likley trying to TELL you that she's feeling sad and hopeless

YOU need to work with the "I'm feeling sad and hopeless" NOT the "I am going to leave"

OIN, there are men and women on this forum who are dealing with a LOT WORSE than the bullets you are taking every day

1. Your wife isn't having sex with another man
2. Your wife hasn't moved out
3. Your wife hasn't filed for divorce
4. Your wife isnt' even staying in a different bed is she>

I mean seriously... I don't mean to diminish what you are going through but there are people on thsi forum with CHILDREN who are dealing with a LOT LOT LOT worse and they can fight it...

You need to grow.. adults learn to NOT internalize what the spouse says to them in these times and to respond and speak to the emotions your spouse is feeling instead

Talk with her emotions, not her words and you will handle this a LOT better

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I don't see that happening with mine. His unhappiness is directed at me and by leaving me it goes away (so he thinks)

again, this is what they ALL feel. your sitch is no different.

Flow - I have not repeatedly rejected him. It may seem that way but I haven't for the most part.

it's not just rejecting, it's HOW you act, your infliction of your voice, your actions, your aura. just because you "agree", doesn't mean you really agree.

sex is a great example..(not speaking of you, but most women) a husband will want sex and the wife will act like it's the biggest chore but will satisfy his request. that is worse to a guy than getting rejected. Or, they will say ya, but not be in it at all. same thing.

it's all how your actions go along with your words. and I almost promise you, that your actions have not done so, just because of what you have said here. You may not see it, but it's something other people perceive.

What romeo said is good and in regards to stepping away from him more, you don't ignore or act rude, you act busy and like your enjoying your life too much to be worried about his. but you do it in a way that's not rude, but a way that's enticing. like someone is holding out a cake that you want to eat, but just far enough that you can't touch it.

[luvless]

but ST...isn't it too late for this? we are on a downhill slope going fast!

I plan on going on about my life in a positive way while I'm in pursuit of the D. I am ready to start enjoying myself. I haven't in FOUR long months and I need a taste of what happiness feels like again.