What I learned about detachment

[steady]

This is from a post on one of my threads. I thought it might help at least one person here:

You're right nds. Detachment is the key. In hindsight I know what I did wrong.

1. Didn't GAL
2. Didn't detach enough. Fooled myself into thinking that I was.
3. Pushed too hard for her to work on her issues. Even confronted her a few times when they came out in all their glory.
4. Backslid too many times based on her inappropriate behavior that I called her on
5. Was way too clingy/desperate when the bomb dropped. This is one of the biggest ones that hurt my chances. Alot of damage was done in that first month and a half.

So for any newbies - DETACH like you will die if you don't. It's kind of a catch 22 though. I didn't know what detaching really was until recently - and it took my W saying she wanted a D to actually get me to the point where I actually understood what detachment really meant.

To me (now) detachment means:

1. To not care what the outcome will be. And I mean really not care - not just lip service because it's not heading south. When my sitch was heading north, it was easy to convince myself I was detached because the horizon looked good. It was a false sense of detachment, it was actually comfortability disguised as detachment - because it looked like it was going to work out the way I wanted it to.

The only way you'll know that you're really detached is that no matter which way the situation seems to be headed you will feel the same way - no rollercoaster ride. If you get there, then you're really detached.

2. To detach from your own feelings about the situation. Don't let your feelings dictate how you are going to feel/act or what you're going to say. As a LBS our feelings are often attached to our spouse in such an unhealthy way that we are focused more on interpreting their actions, guessing their thoughts and feelings, trying to control their thoughts/feelings/actions by what we do/say.

I see it so much in my behavior over the last 9 months since the bomb dropped. I used WAY TOO MUCH energy thinking about things that I couldn't control, thinking about the future by doing negative projection, trying to take the temperature of the sitch, trying to guess what my W was thinking/feeling, interpreting her behaviors and trying to establish a connection between her actions and her thoughts/feelings. I have to say, I never guessed right. So put an end to it RIGHT NOW.

3. To detach from your spouse. And I mean really detach. When you: Aren't thinking about what she may be thinking, aren't concerned about what she is doing, aren't snooping to find out information, aren't trying to gauge which direction she is heading in relation to your sitch, aren't adjusting your actions to have an 'effect' on your W, aren't doing things to elicit a response, aren't focused on her issues, aren't focused on her behavior, aren't gauging your self-worth based on what you perceive to be her feelings about you - then you'll know you have detached from her.

When you get a life for yourself. Do the things you like to do without any thought of how it will in some way 'improve' your chances of reconciliation. When you stand up and keep your head high no matter what is going on around you. When you not only believe, but you actually KNOW that you will be fine no matter what the outcome. Then you will have detached.

Anything else is a false sense of detachment. It will be many things disguised as detachment. So be wary of when you think you are detached. If things head south, then you'll really know if you are or not.