I'm pushing it but I'm waiting to see just how much longer it will take for this thread to lock-up on me

Jounaling again.

Well, I've had a couple more wacked out dreams similar to the first that have kept me from sleeping well After careful consideration, taking Shiny's somewhat suggestion and the fact that I can't afford too much sleep deprivation into account, I bluntly asked h if he was interacting with OW more again or perhaps some other female. Not the most tactful approach but tact is not one of my strong points

H said nope, he still avoids OW as much as possible and no other females are hanging around. H then asks me why I asked these questions. I told him I was having wacked out dreams again and was seeking an explanation for them. H kind of snorted and shook his head...and then I blurted out "I'm seeing things again too". I wasn't real pleased by H's reaction to that statement H just gave me this "look" then quickly looked away and started gnawing on his fingers.

I let what I said sink in for awhile. H finally looked my way again and gave me a wistful (?) smile. I smiled back and told him I wasn't trying to be "freaky" on him again...he kinda laughed and said "yes, you are"...I said no, I was just trying to figure out WHY my sub-conscience was messing with me now if that is what my dreams were a product of so I could put an end to them and get a restful night's sleep. That I was trying to avoid getting "freaky". H told me that I have nothing to worry about.

I am trying hard to read nothing into his reactions to what I said. I still can't get myself to ignore the knowledge though that H is a consummate liar either and my willingness for this M/R to continue to be good could blind me enough to not see through any facade.

Yep, I don't like admitting that I still question at times H's honesty I see it as a failing in myself to commit totally to my professings of trust and forgiveness. The thing is is that I DO feel trust and I KNOW I have forgiven him...I just have this nagging little shadow that ghosts along my peripheral chain of thought

It doesn't help any that today's events just don't sit "right" with me. They are very odd and extremely out of the ordinary. H went in to work at noon today...ostensibly to attend a luncheon given for the graduates of the college course he took and for which they will be given a certificate of completion. This is not the norm for his workplace. Certificates like that are usually given during a plant-wide meeting, any catered affairs normally occur in the evenings and are either plant-wide or occur out of the plant for just the supervisors and their SO's...in other words, where the number of people warrant using the services of the local catering company. There are only 7-15 people attending according to H.

When H first told me about it yesterday I didn't think nothing of it at first. H made mention of it in a casual way, no biggie. Last night when I brought it up in casual conversation (just something mundane to talk about) in order to find out when I needed to make sure he was up...the convo got weird. H got defensive and his replies regarding the luncheon got vague. The number of people went from being 7-15 to "I don't know" when I commented that it seemed wasteful of time and money for such a small number of people (we often talk about this particular waste of time and money his workplace propagates so my comment didn't seem out of the ordinary to me). I queried the odd time of day since it would involve those on the night shifts having to disrupt their sleep schedules...this got me the response of " I... (silence)...who can figure out their train of thought". I don't know how to explain it really...there was a lot of hesitation and vagueness, it was almost like H was trying to avoid putting his "foot in it" so to speak. Giving me a cover story

I am more then likely reading to much into it. That is what I keep telling myself. He plans on being home early due to going in early. He made mention of going to get the stuff for me to finish re-sealing my aquarium and setting it back up and seemed upbeat and everything when he left. Still, some part of me is being very pessimistic about the whole darn thing

Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi