No PTSD symptoms here so far! I think it's because I am not taking a victim attitude maybe? WHo knows!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
How can you fight and compete with the OP and not lose you self esteem after a while? That you are content to live in limbo with a person courting 2 people at once. It does not seem possible Harley states that it usually causes PTSD esp for women
I wanted to sort of comment on this.
I absolutely agree with not competing with the OP. My H wanted to have some months going backwards and forwards between myself and OW, whilst going on holiday as a family AND him and I going and celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary together, and him continuing to live at home with everything appearing as normal to the outside world. What was in that for me? I could see that he was going to get his ego nicely stroked by myself and OW, but I was going to be in the sh!tter. I actually tried to take my own life at that point and underwent psychiatric care. My psychiatrist was fantastic, and although he did not do 'couples' work in general, and he was very nervous when he let my H into the room, (he made sure I had the car keys and that they were hidden from view etc. as he thought things might get volatile), he got my H to see that it was unfair to make either I or OW wait whilst he dithered and enjoyed himself. He also pointed out that now it was out in the open between the three main players, the OW was unlikely to want to stand and wait for a decision either.
However, although I felt this way.....and very strongly....... some people, like Butterflymom, don't/didn't. The more patient approach is what worked for her. It's like that old saying, 'horses for courses'. People have to walk their own paths and live with their own decisions.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You can not trust a cheater- that trust must totally be earned back. That is basic knowledge. I get frustrated but the gulliableness (sp?)of people not seeing the true right in front of them. Accepting a cheaters word. It's hard I know, I can only imagine. You just want so badly to believe.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
NM- I have to be honest- I think you are denying your true feelings. It is not playing a victim to have PTSD.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I have never seen it either, nor read an infidelity expert who has any confidence in that approach.
Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Maybe you haven't been on here long enough or had the patience to follow one of the threads where it has worked in this manner. Lord knows it was frustrating at times reading some of those threads, like Alisuddenly's. I did advise her at one time to give it up as a bad job. Luckily she ignored me. I found myself getting really mad reading her posts at times - it was like watching a car crash in slow motion - but somehow it righted itself.
As I have repeatedly said, it's not my style, but it works for some and therefore I try to keep an open mind. there is not a one solution fits all.
Try and keep an open mind Allen. I agree with you mostly but I do feel you are slightly blinkered and also abrasive.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You can not trust a cheater- that trust must totally be earned back. That is basic knowledge. I get frustrated but the gulliableness (sp?)of people not seeing the true right in front of them. Accepting a cheaters word. It's hard I know, I can only imagine. You just want so badly to believe.
At some point though, if you reconcile, you have to learn to trust again. that is where the four corner stones Lotus talked about earlier in this thread come in. It is a hard thing to do. Piecing is harder than breaking up an A I can tell you- way harder. You so badly want to believe but at the same time, something will come and trigger a bad memory and you go flying backwards along the healing path - even years later. That's with a completely committed and transparent H - with one where I know why it went wrong in the first place. With a man who tells me every day how much he loves me.
Where I disagree with MWD is that I don't believe only one S can do all the work. When it gets to piecing you need to be able to open up and talk and heal. That's where many fall down on here.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Yes, trusting is taking that flying leap into the abyss, and lo and behold, 3 years later, I have not hit bottom! It is hard to love again with the same kind of trust that we naively went into marriage in the first place. But that is why people say that a reconciled marriage is stronger than a marriage that has never been tested. Trust is a necessity, and too many times people try to hedge their bets and give lip service to the trust.
I think it's because I am not taking a victim attitude maybe? WHo knows!