NEON RED is GO for Launch!

[holdingon]

Thanks, Shiny.

[Zoo]

Journaling:

A very disconcerting thing happened Fri. evening. H came home early (was sent home actually) due to his rash. The phone rings and I answer it.

female voice: Hello!
Me: Hello?
female voice (different?) in background: Ask if T's there...
Me: Hellooo??
Female voice: *giggle*

click, hung up.

I just kind of stared at the phone for a few seconds, rather undecided as to how to react. I finally went back into the living room and put it back on the base-station and yell up at H "well, I guess I should have let you answer that." I then sat down and retreated into "Zooland". I could hear H kinda far away asking what? who called? blah,blah,blah. Finally his insistence on a response from me got through and I told him what had occured. He says absolutely NOTHING once told...just continues to play his comp game. No, "WTF?" "Who would do that?" or anything. I probably sat there for a half an hour mulling over his lack of response.

I started to get angry

I wrestled that beast a bit then went up and asked H who might have made that call since the background noise led me to believe it was done from the plant. H said he had no idea...later he said he couldn't even guess since he didn't take the call so didn't hear the voices. I let it drop. H wasn't feeling well and I knew pursuing it would/could lead to a blow-up because of that.

Ended up co-ercing H into going to the emergency room that night as i watched the rash worsen literally before my eyes. E-room Dr hadn't a clue what it was but deemed it "viral in nature". H still has the rash It seems to be better in some places and really nasty looking in others. I thought the same thing though yesterday and by the time H got out of bed and in good light it turned out to be just as bad as ever. To top it off, H started feeling dizzy and "weird" last night while at the grocery. I wasn't sure he was going to make it home (H wouldn't let me drive )...he drove UNDER the speed limit the whole way back and had this intensity about him...

H apologized to me for having to put our plans aside for the evening...a cozy nest made down on the floor, some drinks, a movie----- ....I said that was ok, there was always another night Later, when we went to bed H told me I was "so totally loveable", and he "felt lucky to have me" Lots of cuddling and baby kisses and touching to make up for earlier

The man continues to amaze me If someone had asked me what my LL was 6 mos ago I would have said "words of affirmation" without hesitation. It turns out that that is a fallacy. Words are nice but not necessary anymore. H has showed me that I value "touch" far more then I would have believed. It speaks to me on a deeper level. Six mos ago I would have put touch at the bottom of my list if not said it was something I backed away from completely (receiving not giving). I have been known to jerk away from people touching me...invading my personal space

H is learning that the "giving" of touch is just as rewarding as receiving it too In the past I had asked him on a couple of occasions to rub my back or whatever just to relieve an ache or pain...H flat out refused to. Said he didn't like it, that it was a pain in the a$$ and a burden Definitely no longer the story now

In the nearly 4 years (as of Feb 25th, this ear ) we have been married I have never been able to get H to drink wine. This might not be a big deal to some but I appreciate a good bottle of wine...unfortunatley I can't drink a whole bottle by myself, well, not without getting totally snockered out of my mind anyway I also do not like to put a bottle back in the fridge once it has been opened (It looses something). Since the wedding we went to in Chicago H has started to partake of the vine He totally floored me yesterday when he said " we forgot to stop and pick up some more wine yesterday. It would have been nice to cuddle up an drink some together huh?" This from a man who SWORE he hated the stuff and that it tasted like a$$

We share so much now and it all seems so new and wonderful and strange. There is an intimacy between us that might even be deeper then what we had in the beginning...people see us just LOOK at one another and tell us to go get a room LOLOL!

Oh, the phone call?? I've given up the ghost on that. H wasn't freaked out by it so why should I be? It could have been someone trying to stir up trouble or just one of those weird, coincidental wrong numbers. I'm not going to drive myself nuts worrying about it

Shiny, what does it mean when you dream about cleaning your carpets 2 nights in a row???

Hugz,
Zoo

[holdingon]

Love your Ghandi quote!

[KAW]

Happy New Year to you Zoo!

Ya know, its been over a year from when i first mentioned "signing off" this bb and yet ...

It takes a quite a long while to deal with the aftermath of a life-turning traumatic event to get to the point where we can admit that we are healed from it. In a way, we are learning to become comfortable in a whole new "normalcy". It so different from what we are use to, its gonna some time (there we go again...) to adjust to the point where all the good stuff you are experiencing now becomes "familar" to you.

A lot of folks unfortunately do leave prior to expressing their experiences during these times and I know personally that it I would had helped me out some to hear some of them and is kinda one of the reasons at least that is what I tell myself) I have stuck around.

This bb can be a two edge sword at this phase. We read of other's pain and wondering if what we have is real. Don't ever let what you read here generate doubts of your H's actions. They are always to be taken at face value. THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE!! Affection given should be always be affection received!

On the other hand, it does help some from "sabotaging" their efforts by continuing to journal and seek feedback.

Of course, the bb can always use more veteran DBer's to spread the wisdom too.

... but in the end, its all about what works for you...

'til later,
KAW

[shinybear]

Um, Zoo, my first guess on the carpet dream is: Do your carpets need a cleaning?

Seriously! Sometimes it IS as plain as all that!

So nice to hear all the positives, Zoo!

Shiny

[Zoo]

Actually Shiny...one of them does I didn't get a chance to do it before the weather got nasty on me last week and it is driving me nuts. I don't see any sense in doing it right now though because it is still nasty and muddy out and I have a dog that likes to run through every mud puddle, ditch and gunky corn field in the tri-county area the come in the house. I have tried to explain to her that she needs to either jump in the creek before whe comes home or wipe her feet before she comes in the door but she just doesn't see it as a necessity...

Thanks for the Kudos on the positives...I'm so thankful that I can post more of THOSE now then negatives

Hugz,
Zoo

[psluke]

Thank you Zoo.

I know I'm going to need lots of support in the coming months but I also am planning to do my darndest to be strong!

[Zoo]

I'm pushing it but I'm waiting to see just how much longer it will take for this thread to lock-up on me

Jounaling again.

Well, I've had a couple more wacked out dreams similar to the first that have kept me from sleeping well After careful consideration, taking Shiny's somewhat suggestion and the fact that I can't afford too much sleep deprivation into account, I bluntly asked h if he was interacting with OW more again or perhaps some other female. Not the most tactful approach but tact is not one of my strong points

H said nope, he still avoids OW as much as possible and no other females are hanging around. H then asks me why I asked these questions. I told him I was having wacked out dreams again and was seeking an explanation for them. H kind of snorted and shook his head...and then I blurted out "I'm seeing things again too". I wasn't real pleased by H's reaction to that statement H just gave me this "look" then quickly looked away and started gnawing on his fingers.

I let what I said sink in for awhile. H finally looked my way again and gave me a wistful (?) smile. I smiled back and told him I wasn't trying to be "freaky" on him again...he kinda laughed and said "yes, you are"...I said no, I was just trying to figure out WHY my sub-conscience was messing with me now if that is what my dreams were a product of so I could put an end to them and get a restful night's sleep. That I was trying to avoid getting "freaky". H told me that I have nothing to worry about.

I am trying hard to read nothing into his reactions to what I said. I still can't get myself to ignore the knowledge though that H is a consummate liar either and my willingness for this M/R to continue to be good could blind me enough to not see through any facade.

Yep, I don't like admitting that I still question at times H's honesty I see it as a failing in myself to commit totally to my professings of trust and forgiveness. The thing is is that I DO feel trust and I KNOW I have forgiven him...I just have this nagging little shadow that ghosts along my peripheral chain of thought

It doesn't help any that today's events just don't sit "right" with me. They are very odd and extremely out of the ordinary. H went in to work at noon today...ostensibly to attend a luncheon given for the graduates of the college course he took and for which they will be given a certificate of completion. This is not the norm for his workplace. Certificates like that are usually given during a plant-wide meeting, any catered affairs normally occur in the evenings and are either plant-wide or occur out of the plant for just the supervisors and their SO's...in other words, where the number of people warrant using the services of the local catering company. There are only 7-15 people attending according to H.

When H first told me about it yesterday I didn't think nothing of it at first. H made mention of it in a casual way, no biggie. Last night when I brought it up in casual conversation (just something mundane to talk about) in order to find out when I needed to make sure he was up...the convo got weird. H got defensive and his replies regarding the luncheon got vague. The number of people went from being 7-15 to "I don't know" when I commented that it seemed wasteful of time and money for such a small number of people (we often talk about this particular waste of time and money his workplace propagates so my comment didn't seem out of the ordinary to me). I queried the odd time of day since it would involve those on the night shifts having to disrupt their sleep schedules...this got me the response of " I... (silence)...who can figure out their train of thought". I don't know how to explain it really...there was a lot of hesitation and vagueness, it was almost like H was trying to avoid putting his "foot in it" so to speak. Giving me a cover story

I am more then likely reading to much into it. That is what I keep telling myself. He plans on being home early due to going in early. He made mention of going to get the stuff for me to finish re-sealing my aquarium and setting it back up and seemed upbeat and everything when he left. Still, some part of me is being very pessimistic about the whole darn thing

Zoo

[shinybear]

HI Zoo,

Very tired, may not make much sense...

So what time DID he get home? How was the luncheon?

Have you ever thought of learning how to catch him in a lie? If so, I can give you the name of a book I bought last year ...called "Never be lied to again".

Your H's reactions to your telling him about the dreams and "seeing things" (for example?) COULD suggest he's worried and has something to hide.

OR it could be that this is a highly charged dynamic between the two of you...you've had dreams and "discussions" regarding them that no doubt were unpleasant.

So his nervous reactions could have been elicited by this.

You know your H best...you know your "gut" best...

Keep us posted!

Shiny

[Zoo]

Hope you got some sleep Shiny

H did come home for the night early...actually he called around 5pm and woke me up to tell me he would be home after his evening meeting He noted I didn't sound well so told me I didn't need to cook anything fancy for supper.

He strolls in @7 with a bottle of wine in his hands and a smile on his face Was a pleasant surprise even though I wasn't up to drinking any last night

Yes, it is possible that he was displaying nervous behaviour for all of the reasons you've stated... it's also possible he was just blowing me off because the subject didn't really matter to him either

H is one of those guys who will nod and say yeah in all the appropriate places and not hear a darn word you say to him I catch him in this all the time...I start talking inanities or just throw in something totally off topic, he keeps nodding and saying yeah

I do know that H gets annoyed at too many references to OW or past behaviours His thinking is that it is over, I'm stupid and/or paranoid for continuing to think about it and since he is over it I should be too. He is happy and content with the way things are now, he isn't worried about him slipping up again, he is sure in his feeling regarding us and the M/R now so I should of course share those same feelings. For the most part I do but I still maintain a certain level of pessimism. That is something that I have to work on I reckon .

I guess I'm still unnerved by H's complete turnaround. We aren't talking about just a return to H as he was during the beginning of the R...we're talking about a whole new H altogether. Someone who is expressive of their feelings both in words and actions, someone who surprises me on a near daily basis. I'm not use to this...it isn't something I have encountered in ANY R I have been in and for some reason it causes me to keep my guard up to an extent

I'm sure I'll muddle through it and will eventually come to accept the changes in H as something that is 100% for real and will stick...I guess it is just going to take more time then I expected it to.

Hugz,
Zoo