She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

You have been jealous why? What is the root of jealousy? I imagine based on my own experience is because we want to limit their contact with other people who could 'steal' them away from us. Perhaps you are afraid you really aren't enough and you have to control (that's right, jealousy is a a control issue)the people and your environment to make it 'safe' so you don't have to experience you're fears - ie: Her leaving you for another man.

I would imagine this is the root of your jealousy. Jealousy is a symptom not a cause.

The ironic thing is this: The thing we fear and try to avoid - the behavior that we think we need to avoid realizing that fear is the very thing that creates the situation to actually happen.

You are afraid you will lose something you think is yours. So in order to avoid that from happening you need to control the person and environment to keep it her away from anything that may want to 'steal' her. Whenever she is close to someone or in an environmental condition that threatens you, you get jealous. You push this jealousy into her as if she's doing something wrong. She feels this and pulls away. The more she pulls away, the more you feel your fear coming to fruition, the more jealous you get, etc... The situation becomes a self perpetuating machine.

Calling her to apologize was a mistake - but you already know this. Next time, before you call, post it here and get some feedback. If you had, I'll bet you wouldn't have made that call.

I know exactly how you feel. I was there too. The only difference is I have the gift of hindsight. There are hundreds of people like me who can sit here and give you advice. I can't tell you how many people gave me great advice here. I made mistakes, I fell down, got up and dusted off - and if I couldn't get up, someone here stepped up and picked me up.

You want to know how you should act when you come home. Act like nothing is going on. Act like what is happening is having absolutely no impact on you whatsoever. Act like it's just another event in your life. Will you be able to do this? I doubt it...at least I couldn't when I was in your position. I can do it now, because frankly, I don't really give a [censored] anymore. I've been detached for quite some time now.

But you must do it to the best of your ability for where you are right now.

ANY EFFORT TO RECONCILE, APOLOGIZE, EXPLAIN, CONVINCE, ARGUE, BEING NICE, BEING AN ASS - anything at all, will push her further away. Let me repeat, IT WILL PUSH HER FURTHER AWAY.

The sad thing is you can't make detachment happen. It happens when it does - no sooner or later. You can only do your best. In time that best will better than it was.

I see a lot of projection in your posts. The future is going to be such and such... You need to get rid of this. It's a control issue. You have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. You're basing in what you think you know of what's going on right now. But you don't even have a clear picture of what is going on right now, never mind the future.

How do you know she won't be at the airport to pick you up, a bag hits her in the head and everything changes? How do you know she doesn't glance around and see something that points her in a different direction? You don't. So stop trying to guess.

This is what I think you need to do:

Be upbeat. No crying, puppy dog looks, feeling sorry for yourself, hoping, wanting, wishing, regret, etc...if you're thinking it, she'll feel it.

Do not under any circumstances:

Talk about relationship, marriage, future, etc.. If she brings it up be careful because you will probably go into one of the modes you don't want to be in because it will push her away.

Argue or defend or justify or negate her feelings. This is a no brainer but sometimes difficult to do. If you find yourself in this position politely excuse yourself from the conversation and go somewhere and do something physical. Or post it here if you can.

Do not be overly nice or overly polite or overly giving. No matter what you do she will think you are only doing it because you want her back. That's how I started off that way when I first came here. But after a while that all changed. It turned into saving myself and not saving my marriage as the focus point. And that made all the difference.

I think that's enough for now. Digest all the posts that are here from all these people who in a similar situation.

Oh, one last thing:

DETACH DETACH DETACH

And just because I said it's easier said than done, don't use that as an excuse for not doing it. Your mind should be focused on detaching. Use it as a mantra, repeating it over and over again in your head or out loud when no one is around.