Maybe part of the problem is that sometimes the posting from those of us in piecing is a stage too far forward for the infidelity forum at times?
As long we are doing our balancing act, I think it is both possible that those in piecing or reconciled may want to move things forward at too fast a clip, it is also possible that those still in infidelity are not willing to believe the end of the affair.
It's definitely "easier" in a way (and I hate to use that word . . . "simpler" perhaps?) when everything is "The Guys i the White Hats vs. Those Bad Guys in the Black Hats". There is a virtuous, Betrayed-Spouse-Fighting-the-Bad-Guys stage that -- while emotionally and physically draining -- DOES keep you on-task, I think especially for a man. The "hard skills" of fighting, negotiating, drawing (and enforcing) boundaries, legal and financial moves, planning, executing, etc., are all needed and we tend to be strong at those.
Then the "softer skills" are needed after the affair has ended -- compassion, forgiveness, understanding, forgiveness, listening, empathy, did I say forgiveness? , meeting emotional needs, etc.
Two VERY different skillsets.
Anyway, that's why I'm such a big fan of getting good intel -- it takes the GUESSWORK out of it, and let you know -- accurately -- what stage you are at, and what you should be focusing on.
You know, it's funny, but every time I get into one of our frequent "Snooping is bad!" debates around here (I am very pro-intel, as you all know), one of the arguments that the anti-snooping crowd always give is, basically, "It'll make you nuts!"
I contend just the opposite. Us humans are wired to fear -- to "go nuts" -- over the UNKNOWN, not the KNOWN.
Ronald Reagan said, of the Soviets, "Trust -- but verify." it is in that verification that we can either find STRENGTH AND PEACE OF MIND (if nothing is going on), or KNOWLEDGE AND DISCERNMENT about the right course of action (if something is).
For the life of me, I can't see anything wrong with that.
