NEON RED is GO for Launch!

[Zoo]

I reckon I'll do a bit of journaling here

I am wondering if I should start another thread when this one locks up. I know we all post that at one time or another but since my M is essentially busted do I have the right to still post? Do people wonder what I am still doing here since things are going so well for me? I have the occasional "weirded-out" episode but...I feel self-conscious at times when I post about the good things. This feeling is part of the reason I don't post very often...the other being that sometimes I get too caught up in the other threads and sometimes get freaky on H
I'm still not TOTALLY sure of myself though ... I have niggling little thoughts that I worry will undo me eventually

H surprised me yesterday. Something has caused him to break out in a horrible rash and welts (an allergic reaction obviously but we can't figure out to what and it hasn't responded to benadryl at all) so he is feeling pretty icky right now Of course, I am picking up on this and it has me feeling just as icky so I was sitting all huddled up in a ball on the edge of the couch. H asked if I was feeling ok and I said I was fine. H opens his arms up and nudges me and I asked him what he wanted He says "come here" so I crawled up beside him and he wraps his arms around me and hugs me real tight then starts stroking my face He then says " I love you babe...so very much...you just don't know." All I could do was bury my face in his shoulder to keep from crying.

I still don't know how to react when he does things like that. There are times when I think my reactions disappoint him too Sometimes I make some of my bigger mistakes when he is being so openly loving...my own insecurity coming out and questioning his sincerity? I am getting better at not making knee-jerk observations at times like this but I still slip up once in awhile I guess one good thing is tha I'm no longer falling down those cheeseless tunnels I was struggling with a month or so ago but how long is it going to take me to accept completely that H truly does mean what he is saying? That it ISN'T his being placating in a more convincing manner?

I desperately want this year to be the beginning of a whole new life for the two of us. I want us each to experience the joy and happiness in our M that neither one of us has ever known in our previous R's. I want this experience to bloom and grow and become something that neither one of us would willing let go of nor wantonly destroy. I want iron-clad guarantees but I'm too sadly aware that such things are pretty much non-existent or just empty words muttered because they sound good.

I guess I'm just greedy. I should be happy with what I have but darn it, I want so much more too.

Hugz,
Zoo