Next steps

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver, If you get a chance can you stop by my thread? My I'll try to get on FB. I hope you are doing ok! Thanks.

[avermont]

Dear all--

thanks so much for your support. I cannot believe how crappy I feel about this. I am talking with the banks. It may be that I cannot mortgage enough to pay him his $64K. That would make the decision easy.

I am meeting with an accountant friend Friday morning to go over cash flow. The last thing I want is to be strapped down to a big house with no extra $ or time to go out and find myself that fine new boyfriend!

Then on Saturday another friend is coming over to do big Pro/Con lists with me. She will insist that I keep the emotional separate from the financial. She will fight me tooth and nail if I try to make an emotional decision that has a negative financial affect on me.

Update: I emailed X: thanks for your proposal. I need some time to consider it. I will have an answer for you early next week.

He wrote this back:

Avermont, thank you for your consideration. Would it be possible to
ask for a smoke signal in advance of next week with regards to your
thoughts? Even If it's not definitive one way or another - it's
challenging to not converse about questions, comments, or concerns w/
this.

Thank you,
X

WTF? this is the third time he has asked to meet and discuss the house.

What I WANT to reply is:

"I didn't get any smoke signals that you were unhappy with the R. Not a good feeling, is it? And yes, it is challenging when someone is making decisions that affect your life and you don't know anything about it....isn't it?"

I feel like this is the third, and very sincere, request to meet and talk about "this" which is--I guess?--how do we deal with the banks? what???

This is a much more civil tone than his first formal .pdf: accept this offer and move out.

I would like to keep a civil tone going. I don't want to be the a**h**e h now, here.

It also FREAKS me out that he would give up on the house so easily. Suddenly today I decided that it meant he and GF have found a beautiful new house, they are decorating the nursery and printing out the wedding invitations. The grief hit hard--his giving up the house so easy--just more evidence of how easily/quickly/completely he has moved on?

Not that I didn't know that. I know that. But it hits hard.

I feel like it would be the right thing to do to agree to meet with him. How can I ask him what, exactly, he wants to discuss? I would prefer to meet with a counselor present--just someone to listen and help the conversation. Not for couples therapy.

Advice?

It feels terrible every way. Ignore his polite request to meet? meet, and what for?

How can he give up the house so easily?

Why do I feel so freaking guilty about "getting" the house--assuming I can afford it?

Aaaahhhgggg!

[flowmom]

Aver. What are the pros and cons of meeting with him?

[avermont]

Hmmmm....

Pro: umm...Look like a positive person: hey, I am cool about meeting with you! and check out how thin I have remained! (but I have to lose this cut/black eye first--I literally walked into the door frame last night and my glasses cut my eyelid--now I'll have a nice scar)
We could ?talk? about how to proceed on the house. Assuming I can buy him out.
I could be calm, positive, acting as if I have moved on. Which I am trying to.

Con: emotional? I am well past any DB'ing here--so what does it matter if he sees me hurt, I share some feelings--one of the probs in our R was my/our lack of comm around feelings.
he guilts me into selling the house to him?
he tries to scare me with the work/burden of the house?
he hands me an invitation to his and GF's wedding?

He has asked nicely and sincerely 3 times to meet to discuss how to proceed around the house.
I don't want to look like I am afraid to meet.

I just don't think talking about buying each other out in the house, over the dining room table would work.

Suggest a neutral place?
Request having a counselor present?

Pro/Con...it's a wash. We've met before. We haven't spoken/seen each other since December. We are polite people.

Shirt!!!

[chatterbug]

Aver I think your not ready still. Discuss it electronically. That way you have a record of everything.

[flowmom]

I agree with CB...I'm not seeing enough on the pro side to make it worth it. It's good that he asked politely, but that doesn't mean that you have to politely say "yes". You're doing what's right for YOU now. And when and if you're ready to discuss your feelings with him...make it be about that, not about house business. Remember we're trying to disentangle business vs emotions here.

[talia]

I third - no meeting. You are not ready and there's no reason to meet. I'm sure he thinks he can be more persuasive in person than through email, that seeing him might help guilt you... etc.

Keep it all business at this point - I'm not sure you can separate your emotions in person! Its very important to keep a record anyway and email is an easy way to do that.

Every time my H asks for a meeting to discuss things better left to the L I think this.... If he weren't H, given the way he has treated me, would I give him ONE SECOND of my time? The answer is ALWAYS No.... You don't owe him one more second of your life.

Just remember... Life is a measurement of time, if you waste one you destroy the other!

Hugs

T

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
I'll "fourth" my agreement with the rest, the cons outweigh the pros. Having just dealt w a similar request to meet from H, & recieved similar advice, I'd say listen to your gut in this instance.

And, although I loved what you WANTED to reply, it would probably inflame him & that just won't be good.

Sorry I am still so inept I don't know how to do the quote thingy on here :-(

"It also FREAKS me out that he would give up on the house so easily. Suddenly today I decided that it meant he and GF have found a beautiful new house, they are decorating the nursery and printing out the wedding invitations. The grief hit hard--his giving up the house so easy--just more evidence of how easily/quickly/completely he has moved on?"

Aver, don't project this. I know - easier said than done. I do this too much myself, maybe that's why I recognize it.

How can he give up the house so easily?

We don't know the why, as Talia said this could be a hoax, he agrees to sell but may plan to talk you out of it. Who knows what lurks in the twisted mind of the WAS! Let's focus on the reality. I know the scary places my imagination can go, don't go there!

"I feel like it would be the right thing to do to agree to meet with him. How can I ask him what, exactly, he wants to discuss? I would prefer to meet with a counselor present--just someone to listen and help the conversation. Not for couples therapy."

I don't think you have to meet w him at all. So what if he asked 3 times? You have given him a reasonable reply each time, right?

It feels terrible every way. Ignore his polite request to meet? meet, and what for?

I know what this pressure to "talk" feels like, & I don't like it. ONLY if you feel strong enough to meet with him, should you do it.

Why can't he put his questions in email?

I think it would be reasonable to say to X,
"Thanks for your message, but I'm exceptionally busy right now. I'd prefer to speak/meet once I have all the necessary info to discuss this. I'll get back to you ____ (next week)."

Pearl is good at this. Shall I send her your way?

Why do I feel so freaking guilty about "getting" the house--assuming I can afford it?

Talk about this w your C. Maybe she can help you get to the core of it. Doesn't seem rational but sometimes our feelings aren't rational. Maybe just accept that you feel this way & don't worry about it. You know logically you shouldn't. We have so many mixed emotions coursing through us during turmoil, I think our wires get crossed sometimes & we get irrational guilt.

Good job on having the friend come over & do the pro/con list! That's a good friend to have.

Thanks for stopping by my thread last night Av. Especially with all you have going on. Let's both take Deeeep breaths....
and we'll help each other get through this. (((((Aver))))))

[avermont]

Oh, yes, good point, newmama!

NO reason to mix feelings with business.

We will have to discuss details about details--one doesn't just sell a house, figure out who gets what, when to move things out--without a lot of communication. At some point it will be more efficient to do it in person--with a L present.

I will try to find a polite way to say " we do need to meet; when we are ready to discuss the details around the house sale, we should meet then."

Something like that.

thanks for chiming in.

Now to flip-flop again...so weird to hear this "please let's meet" voice...
He said "I will sell my interest in the house for $XXX"
I said: thank you for your proposal. I am considering it and will give you an answer next week"

What more needs to be said until I talk with the bankers and get a thumbs up/down??

Thanks again!

[avermont]

LFA--- I just tried quoting and messed it up.

But I really like this

I think it would be reasonable to say to X,
"Thanks for your message, but I'm exceptionally busy right now. I'd prefer to speak/meet once I have all the necessary info to discuss this. I'll get back to you ____ (next week)."

And this:
Why do I feel so freaking guilty about "getting" the house--assuming I can afford it?

Talk about this w your C. Maybe she can help you get to the core of it. Doesn't seem rational but sometimes our feelings aren't rational. Maybe just accept that you feel this way & don't worry about it. You know logically you shouldn't. We have so many mixed emotions coursing through us during turmoil, I think our wires get crossed sometimes & we get irrational guilt.

I will talk with my C about this. At this point, I feel guilty if it rains, or the stock market goes down, or anything else you can mention.

The show is going well, at least!