Speaking as a piecer and very long time reader. The advice is all across the board here- some really bad, some amazing. I am sure that people see my advice as really bad at times, maybe all the time who knows... To quibble over whose advice is bad or harmful or correct is silly. Buyer beware- you know you are getting free advice from strangers. I think people get that. I think it is wonderful to get others people thoughts on things too.
People are smart enough to own their own actions and not be controlled but a person off the Internet.
IDK, I don't think MC always give out got advice even. Not IC's at times.
I have no experience with infidelity. I can not profess to know what it's like to have that happen. I can still give my insight on the matter. I can definitely give my insight on marraige dynamics though.
I also see a lot of people on this site dealing with spouses with mental illness. Sad b/c nothing will get better till the illness is addressed.
I believe in MLC but still people need to be held responsible for their actions and not excuse away a persons behavior.
Sorry I am rambling all over the place.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't get MWD's advice to outshine the other person.
There is no way to do this! It's end up with 2 people competing for one. The ultimate cake eating event. Fence sitting forever. A cr@ppy love triangle.
The OP is new and fresh and a fantasy. Each person is meeting the need of the cheater. The ultimate in happiness.
I definitely liked Rocked's approach.
I am definitely a fan of the firmer approach advocated by Puppy, Allen, Gucci, Rob, etc.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I don't get MWD's advice to outshine the other person.
There is no way to do this! It's end up with 2 people competing for one. The ultimate cake eating event. Fence sitting forever. A cr@ppy love triangle.
The OP is new and fresh and a fantasy. Each person is meeting the need of the cheater.
Talking of love being an addiction, you might find the following interesting
Hiya Saff! Thanks for the link; I'll give it a read.
Perhaps the most fascinating thing I ever read about this topic was that they can now actually SEE the chemical addition -- it shows up on CAT scans! They took a PEA-washed brain, newly in love/lust/infatuation, and compared it to one that wasn't. They were remarkably different!
To my mind, it (the basic premise that affairs are ADDICTIONS) is the only thing that ever made sense to me. It was like a light bulb went off for me. It was the only thing that would explain well-respected pastors, throwing away their relationship with God and their congregations; successful businesspeople, throwing away their careers; up-until-then-happily-married couples, throwing away their marriages and even their own families . . . the destructive behavior (bank accounts drained, small children left unattended by previously "great mothers," etc., etc.).
It's the only thing that makes sense.
And once you approach it from that premise -- affairs are addictions, and you first must separate the addict from the source of their addiction -- to me, at least, everything else is common sense and falls into line.
And my DB coach's advice was in total conflict with what so many posters advised me to do. My point is that the posters are using real life experience and not MWD at times. But we just need to point that out every now and then and be aware of what we follow and what we don't.
And I guess that's where we differ, Newmama. I am exactly the opposite.
If I find things taught in the books (not just MWD's, but all of them) that doesn't jibe with what I observe in real life, after studying thousands of affairs, I'm going to go with what I've observed WORKS the best, and consider the book to be falling short or perhaps just my understanding of it is.
Maybe I'm just an old-school geek, I dunno. I seriously use calculators to do a math problem, and then do the LONG ADDITION/MULTIPLICATION/ETC. to check my work.
What I don't think is necessary is your phrasing at times and what seemed like a personal attack on another poster.
. . .
Although you seem to think you and Puppy are singing from the same song sheet, there is a difference in the style with which you two deliver your information/advice. I would suggest you read Puppy's posts more closely and adopt his slightly more diplomatic style.
I like the way Puppy talked about the change from infidelity to piecing. He is right. Maybe part of the problem is that sometimes the posting from those of us in piecing is a stage too far forward for the infidelity forum at times?
Yeah, I'll vouch for Saffie -- she can be a hardcoldbitterbitch as well as anyone! She is OLD-school, but well-read, thoughtful, and sensitive, and that's what I love about her.
Saffie, I think part of it is what you say about coming from the Piecing section, yes. I've noticed that when you're dealing with similar tracks, just two different stages of those tracks ("Newcomers" vs. "Piecing," or "Infidelity" vs. "Piecing") and I've definitely noticed it when you're dealing with two totally different assumptions about what the underlying problems are ("Infidelity" vs. "Midlife Crisis").
But I also think part of it is just style. Allen (to me, anyway) comes across as a guy hell-bent on a mission, he's here to cut-to-the-chase and get to the bottom of things, and he doesn't worry about who he might offend along the way. I think his underlying advice is excellent, however, and on-point for most adultery situations. Our friend Gucci Loafer is like that. Robx can be sometimes too, although he does it with many more words, and has shown a "softer" side the past several months as well (sorry to blow your official membership in the Hardass Club, Rob -- you can keep your keys and ID badge, tho ).
It's just different styles. I pray every morning on my way to work, and part of my prayers is that the advice that I give on here will be godly, of use to people, and that God will give ME wisdom and discernment when responding to people. But I fall short many times, and I think my own short, oftentimes snarky, hurry-to-get-to-the-next-Newbie style offers quantity at the expense of QUALITY sometimes, and when I take the time to read my best stuff (I sometimes like to go back in a "success" situation, where someone has said I was helpful, and re-read my old posts to them to see HOW I was helpful), I see that my better posts are the ones where I take the time to respond to people more fully. With more examples from my own personal situation. When I take the time to read their entire threads, before posting to them, etc.
I too have been accused of coming across as abrupt, snarky and even rude sometimes. I certainly don't intend to. But I also see the HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PAIN of people suffering from affairs, I have a gift of discernment for knowing when they are occurring (sadly, I'm nearly always right), and I just want to hurry those folks thru their pain and wake them up to what's happening, so they can hopefully bust the affair and begin to heal their marriage.
How can you fight and compete with the OP and not lose you self esteem after a while? That you are content to live in limbo with a person courting 2 people at once. It does not seem possible Harley states that it usually causes PTSD esp for women
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I am very curious if there is follow up to see the success rate of DB telephone consulting. Maybe it's great, maybe it's awful. I love every thing in the MWD book except the infidelity section. I think it needs work.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Glass argues the same thing June.. I don't have the pp # handy, but Glass discusses PTS as well.
I can quote roughly here offhand that she compares the experience of infidelity fallout to be very similar to the behaviour of people who have been victims of a violent crime - assult, rape, etc
In short, they feel violated, vulnerable 24 x 7, and have nightmares that repeat the event or variations of it.. reliving it on a nightly basis
She is OLD-school, but well-read, thoughtful, and sensitive, and that's what I love about her.
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