Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[flowmom]

OK, I officially agree with rr's interpretation of the conversation. I think she's nailed it and I suggest that you re-read her posts very carefully.

Also, you need to be careful about your "sharing your feelings" 180. He has left you so it really is all about him. If he really cared about your feelings (right now) then he would not have abandoned you. I agree that he may want to date and be feeling guilty about it (my H expressed that indirectly when we separated...he wasn't angry at me supposedly, even though he really was/is). If your H is depressed, he can't handle your feelings anyway. I really think you need to leave him out of the renovations, esp if he sees it as YOUR house. Remember he has to feel that he is losing something...you and your life together.

Please consider altering your 180 to "warm communication"...about HIM (listening/validating). A DBing coach may be able to help you with 180s. I've been advised to express warm appreciate when appropriate, build on H's communication when it comes to coparenting, etc. But DBing still means not bringing our own stuff into it IMO.

I can't remember if you've read Why Men Love Bitches? At some point during the hours of texting, I would suggest that "you'd love to continue the conversation but you have plans and have to go now". It's not going to work to put yourself in the pursuer role here...and it sounds like you're still in that role. You can be still be nice and warm, without being in the pursuer role.

I don't text and I have to admit I have a bias against electronic communication about emotional issues. Realistically it would be very easy for your H to text you whatever he thinks the "right thing to say" is, rather than his true thoughts and emotions. Don't give him opportunities to spin you stories about what's going on.