I think our marriage is on the mend.

[june72]

For a long time now, since the bomb- I walk around with a smile on my face, cheery, in a good mood. Some days though if sadness creeps in I can not show my real feelings or it is an ugly day with him. "Why am I starting trouble?"
Some days I feel like I walk around with a smile on my face till my face cracks.

Issue number 1 I was to speak to the counselor about is my and my hubby's definition of a fight.
I simply want to discuss something that is upsetting me and he goes immediately to DECON 5. Red alert, red alert!!! He acuses me of starting trouble.

I can't talk to the man with out him flipping out.

I had a discussion this weekend and he got s very upset. He had to talk some Xanax- and they stated- look what happened b/c of this I had to take more than usual- as if it is my fault.

I remember hearing that when he used to drink too much and then blame me for it. Or name calling- you drive me to it. No own your sh@t.

His biggest issue is that I am stuck in the past. I rarely bring it up but the past is a big concern of mine. How can I move forward unless I know that he really gets it and will not repeat the same mistakes.

I mean only recently has he admitted that the marriage problems were not all my fault. IN the past- everything that was wrong with the marraige was d/t to me. That he was an amazing husband. "Do you know how lucky you are to have me?"

I have him now but honestly some days I feel like throwing him away. I mentioned that to him this weekend and boy did he react badly.

On the surface our marriage looks great now but it all surface. We do not have a solid marraige at the moment.

He knows I am in a position to no longer be dependent on him soon and if he separates from me again or starts acting like a pr@ck I am done- immediately.

I was done then too but I was stuck and trapped. Had no one to help me or take me in. I asked my mother for help but since she is all about herself she would not help me. I truly believe she has NPD and had made my childhood miserable. I have no family to lean on. It's just me and the world. Starting to make friends again. Was extremely isolated for many years (my fault)