But let me give you (those of you wielding the 2x4's) a counterpoint. I sense some of you are not interested in considering the actual circumstances and will assume the worst in my actions in motives. That's your prerogative. But I am still going to offer this anyway, as what can happen if we take your prescription too far.
My brother is right now, this very moment, taking the absolute non-confrontational path that you propose. He is constantly singing the praises of his STBXW and doing everything humanly possible to not rock the boat. He strongly believes, as many of you obviously do, that keeping the peace "for the sake of the kids" is paramount. He feels his kids will be best able to survive their D if he uses the utmost in diplomacy and makes every effort to be supportive and friendly with their mother.
Do you know what the result of this has been? Has it brought peace and comfort to his three kids lives? Sadly, No. Not at all.
My STBXSIL has taken full advantage of this so-called accord between them to have open R's with other men -- they're still M'ed, mind you. She has taken to maligning my brother to everyone they know, much as my xW had done (is doing), although not to their kids, thankfully (at least not yet.) My brother refuses to call her on this and even asks us to not discuss it, again, "for the sake of the kids."
And do my nieces and nephew feel safe and secure and have full confidence in their parents. Outwardly, yes, maybe. Inwardly, no.
Furthermore, my eldest niece, the teenager, now sides with her mother. This is a bright lovely girl with a great head on her shoulders who has historically adored her father, my brother. But now she holds contempt for him -- for not standing up for the M. She still loves her father, but because he is taking the very road you profess, especially in light of her mother doing things that are obviously wrong to anyone with eyes, she has lost all respect for him.
But despite the fact she disproves of her mother's new lifestyle, she loves them both dearly, but she no longer feels as secure with her father -- he has abdicated his authority and his moral standing. My heart pains for her -- her parents have checked out of their responsibilities to their kids -- and they were such good parents before this.
So, I suggest you truly consider these (admitted) extremes before condemning my actions, especially as limited a snapshot as I can possibly give you here. The fact is I have to steer a safe course between these two extremes -- between the outright belligerence of my xW and the peace-at-any-cost foolishness of my brother.
I can't say I have been all that successful in charting a course between Scylla and Charybdis. It is not an easy thing to do. But there has to be a balance, and I am not hearing of much balance right now from you 2x4 wielders.
Believe me, I have considered much of what you have said. All of you, from both sides. I duly warn you that I am not swayed so easily by those from either camp who claim to "represent the interests of the children", much less my children. You'll both have to do a lot better than that.
If you want to engage me, you'd better bring more that your own feelings and anecdotal evidence. I am struggling with my own emotions through all of this, of which I am direly aware. And harsh, emotional diatribes are not going to help me contain myself any easier, even if you truly believe what you are saying, much less show me a better course. I welcome your intellectually honest, reasoned discourse, but my patience is wearing thin for simple platitudes that come from pop-culture media and books. I've read those books and they are sorely lacking.
I want my sons to grow up to be better than either of their parents. I want them to grow up to be strong, caring, non-judgmental -- but also discerning, wise and moral.
