Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Coach]

Replace the mind-reading, fear and catastrophising with goals/solutions. Go from victim to empowered. This is how to handle it.

Hi all
Context: I panicked when he said we need to have a talk. And we do need to. But because it came from him, and because I didn’t know which aspect of what we need to talk about he meant, and because it was with a stern and serious face, and because I react to anyone’s displeasure with blinding dread and worst-thoughts scenario, I was already a wreck before he walked out the door. I thought my day was wrecked, as I would now spend the whole of it ruminating and stressing about the conversation to come, the make or break of it. I was already disintegrating into a mess, thinking about what he might say, how I might react, how I might feel, which was all my DBing resolve was dissolving into a puddle of fright and head-spinning incompetence. No amount of telling myself that I would be ok no matter what happened would relieve it.

Solution: And then I did something different. I stopped playing conversations in my head, thinking about what I would say/might say/ in response to whatever he might say. I didn’t even try and distract myself, knowing that I would still be obsessing, and working myself up in the process. Instead I came to the computer, sat down and wrote out my goals. What I wanted for the future. I wrote it in detail, what I would see, what I wanted to have happen and why. In half an hour, my anxiety and being a victim to the situation totally reversed. Instead of worrying about what I might say in response to whatever he put forward, I knew what I would say, because I was now firmly grounded in my goals, what I wanted. This then gave me the confidence, courage and words, so that I knew what I would be saying. I was now no longer afraid of any conversation, or even confrontation, if it came to that.

A few people have remarked that when I talk about my relationship and what I wanted, it was about us, about him, never about me. I have been so focused on placating and caring for him, his feelings, the relationship, that I didn’t even know I was doing this to the extent that my goals and needs had taken a back seat. And this was making me weak and a victim to whatever was going on.

DB talks about it, but I urge anyone that if you haven’t sat down and written out your goals, and in positive terms (ie what you want to have happen, not what you don’t want), to do it. It can totally give you back your power and make you feel less of a victim and potentially reactive rather than proactive, to your spouse or the situation.