This will be the last thing I'm going to say no this debate, because, in the end, the board allows (and benefits from) differing views, and it's really up to the posters to sift thru them, apply them to their own sitches as appropriate, discern each person's advice, motives and background, and decide accordingly.
At the risk of sounding like Larry Tate (god, I'm dating myself), BOTH SIDES ARE "RIGHT." You DO have to aggressively attack an affair, and you DO have to treat a formerly-wayward spouse with love, compassion and re-attract yourself to them and address any past marital complaints.
But, as the Good Book says, "to everything, there is a season." (or was that the Byrds???)
Dr. Harley (and others) teach aggressively attacking the affair thru exposure, putting a FIRM no-contact and transparency plan in place, and THEN addressing the healing in the marriage. It's Tuppy's "tree limb thru the roof" analogy.
Where Allen, myself (and others) disagree most strenuously is when -- at what stage -- "being nice" is applied -- WHILE an unrepentant affair is still taking place.
It doesn't work, it enables the cheating spouse's poor behavior, and it often damages the self-esteem and even the emotional health of the betrayed spouse. To use a current political term, one has to "PIVOT." Pivot from the aggressive, affair-busting, hard legal/financial stance, to a softer more conciliatory and compassionate stance once the affair has ended.
And yes, your work may even be that much harder because of the strong stance you took, but at least you will still have a marriage to work on.
Just ask anyone in "Piecing." Jack Three Beans has written extensively some really good posts about this, how the very things you need to do to be successful in the wayward phase, are the OPPOSITE of what you need to do once you're reconciled and piecing!
It's not for the feint-of-heart. But you CAN'T skip either step. BOTH are necessary.
