Into my arms... #70

[june72]

I am reposting what you said yesterday...
You are in a position to know better than any of us...


For those of you that are on FB you may have seen that I've been feeling weird today. I think I posted here too. I feel like my blood is pumping and I get dizzy, and my heart seems to be missing beats. It feels ...scary. So, a few minutes ago, I checked H's email. There is a message from a girl with the subject "Our chat this morning at 9:50, 16/3/2010"
"You sounded really down today, you want to tell me what is going on?". This is a girl I know works in the same building with him. I have asked him before about her during discussions about things being open between us, not keeping people excluded from each other as a way to enhance US vs the world and he told me she is a just girl he knows, an aquantaince.

Clearly, she is at least a friend. The reason I asked about her months ago was because she had been senting him funny youtube videos and one of them adressed only to him which felt ...weird.

So, what do I do? Do I ask about her? I want to use this incident to make him unerstand that unless I am a part of his life, not excluded from new friends and all, as long as interested women dont get a clear message he is with me now, I cant relax. I sense she is interested, I had this feeling the first time I saw her name and he had trouble figuring out who I was talking about. I dont want to let this go.

I am wise enough to listen to my voice. Not making up excuses for him. I think this is what I have been feeling all day. I wonder if I am in front of another disclosure. Anything is probable in this life.

[Kalni]

No, it was pointless, for me. Sometimes it is not what they say, it is how they say it. And sometimes the discussion alone, brings the couple closer. Last night we slept holding each other and this morning we kissed tenderly. And all that because I insisted we would talk while hugging in bed. And even when we got excited, we still touched, legs, arms, my head on his shoulder...

Anyway I said we had an interesting convo. I suggested we set a time aside and talk about what I need to be discussed. He agreed. He asked for an example, I told him it's how they broke up. How? In person, on the phone, with a "see you", or "f@ck you!"? He said he doenst remember... I couldnt believe that. Bottom line is he told me "after al the things you have told me I caused and how my actions made you feel, which I see, I feel like a remorseful murderer asked to describe his crime with details. I feel stressed, anxiety etc etc". I asked if he thinks he will ever be able to talk bout it freely. He said he doenst know. I asked if he thinks we need first to make US well before we go there, he said he is willing to try to set times to talk about it and see how it goes if I need that.

He told me his wish is that we could burry this whole thing. I told him it's "rotten" and it will bring US down as well, and he said no, if it is rotten the worms will eat it, it doenst have to bring us down...

I used this girl's email to talk about setting boundaries/walls between us and the world. I talked about triggers, memories, etc.

He denies the reality. He WANTS To believe things are "closed" and every time I bring up something he gets so upset. Not with me, by what has happened.

We talked again a few hours ago. I todl him I am sad when he asked cause I feel things are not crystal clear between us. He did try to reassure me but at some point I felt weak and told him I dont want to talk about it anymore, I need to first regroup.
K

[awest1217]

Good for you to talk while holding each other. That makes it harder to get mad at each other. I understand where you are coming from completely and if I was to ever get where you are, I would have the same questions, and my H has said before when I asked questions that if he came home he would want to bury everything and start new. I think I could handle some of that because if he truly wants to start new and become a new man...why not let the past be the past, but at the same time, e-mails like the one you intercepted bring everything back up so if he wants the past to stay in the past, he is going to have to step up and not let the memories come back to you. He has to guard you by being completely honest and really keep all women at a football field's length so that you can see he is trustworthy.

I think you handled everything last night beautifully. Now it is time to take care of you. Sort through everything and go with your instinct just like you told me.

[Kalni]

No, it was NOT pointless, for me.

That's what I meant...

[john210]

Hello Maria,

Believe it or not 6 or 7 years ago my now XW had intercepted e-mails between me and a co-worker. After rereading them I understood how it made her feel. Actually I thought at the time that she over reacted. I apologized and assured her that there was nothing going on. Of course I did not have the rap sheet that your husband has. But to June72's point I doubt I (or anybody else) would come out and say to their spouse well I kind of like her or she is cute etc.
So after your convo in bed etc., you still feel things are not crystal clear.
I will be brutally honest here, when I first read your post (not the one about the BoB), I thought oh no, here we go again. How much can a woman take...no wonder he is not stepping up. Then I remembered my e-mails and how innocent I was and how angry she was.
Finally, the chat or text explanation is also very plausible. Sometimes I get e-mails from GF and realize that she finished off the chat. When you press on a name on your list and they are off line, you have several options. One of them is send e-mail another is send SMS for example. It is possible that they were chatting.....
You are face to face with him, you know best. If he is actually at home and being there for you and going out once a week etc....
I can't believe he would do this...
It must be extremely difficult to live with someone and not trust them enough to have to go through their e-mails etc.
I hope this is nothing and he is as innocent as I was. If I remember correctly, I made sure that my wife at the time had no doubts that she was number one in my books.

[sandycay]

Oh K,

I don't know what to say because as you know when I was in piercing and my STBXH was doing all the right things, except for those little vibes that I would get (which in the end, I know he was lying to my face about).

I am a firm believer in that gut feeling thing. If I would have listened, this would have been done for me back in Oct 08. Half ass explanations of I don't know how I broke up, I can't bear to talk about it.... it's so hard on ME.... WTF... it's hard on you too. Your emotional feelings are just as important as his and don't put yourself on the backburner anymore.

I am not saying he is wrong, cheating or anything but his stance sounds vaguely familiar.

Take care girlfriend!

[june72]

I am confused... is this an IM or email? If it's an IM did he admit to IMing this woman? I mean usually an IM is two way b/t two people, right? IDK, I really never use it.

IDK why but IM seems more personal some how. Why not just use regular email?

The date/time stamp seems weird like she wouldn't put it up there...

Is he IMing b/c he knows his emails are being monitored?

Sorry, just wondering out loud her....

I am not familiar with IM and texting. Does it leave a history? OR does that history get erased when you log off.

Is he IMing in secret? And this was an accidental forward to email on her end?

I honestly have not a clue... I probably am inferring here...


Gosh, would you be as bold as to email this gal yourself and ask what is up? What this is all about? Not sure if I would have to guts....

[Kalni]

It was an email. H doesnt do IM. As far as I know. I tried to IM him but he couldnt, thru Yahoo. He told me they didnt IM. She could have tried, seeing him online but when he didnt respond, send it as an email. He agreed the time stamp and subject are system originated because it has the date/month thing the American style, we do it the other way around...

The point here for ME is not that he is cheating again. I dont "sense" that, feel that, believe that. I sense that he is not telling me the whole truth because he still tries to avoid the possible fall out it would cause. I am closer to thinking she knows OW, she is interested in him etc, than that he is interested in her... After all, guys, he has sgiven me the password, if they were seeing each other I am sure she would be the first one to know. PLUS, H is not in multi lover mentality thing. He is not a sex driven cheater. He fell deeply in love

The discussion last night confirmed his guilt and what all books say: talking about the whole story and making sense out of it is the hardest thing to achieve (and those of you that had that be very happy about it) and very cruicial.
K

[Kalni]

No, it's not my job to be his bulldog June. Let's assume that's what's gonna happen, then he can cheat and lie all his wants. Cheating on me, is in the end, HIS problem. He would be someone he will not like, he will live with himslef. When I find out, I will take care of myself. He cant hurt me much more than he has. I will rebound pretty quickly. Remember, I dont need him. I love him(some).
K

[june72]

"You sounded really down today, you want to tell me what is going on?"

This sounds inappropriate in my mind. Like trying to be emotionally intimate. I am guessing that all it is is that she is pursuing him. OF course, how he handles the situation is huge!

Again, if he were cheating again and lying, he would lie to you about knowing how to IM too.

I would NOT be happy if my hubby received an email like that at all!!

OK,
I'll shut up for today. No more posting. I know I aggravate you

My intentions are good though