Something else- it would be amazing if your spouses who ended the As could share their insight/reflections. FOr example, Allen, when you finally got to the point that made your wife end her A, did she tell you that you should have done it sooner? Or was it just the right timing? And others out there (don't mean to single you out!!!)
Don't get me wrong -- my wife was LIVID all the time DURING my affair-busting attempts. Well, I take that back: she actually swung very hot-then-cold, trying different approaches to gaslight me and keep me at bay and "okay with everything." But she pretty much hated my guts, but at the same time I could tell that I was building up a long-lost RESPECT from her.
It was only after she ended her affair, and went thru her hard withdrawal from OM, that she thanked me for fighting for her, and began to understand my hardball tactics. I still think she would say there are things that she is pissed I did (like expose to MY family), as it's made it more awkward now, but just about everything else, she says she understood -- and respected.
She used a word much much later, long after the affair had ended. She said that she finally knew that she "mattered" to me, by the way I fought for her. She said "I needed to know that I mattered to you."
THAT is why this is such difficult dance. Because, if done incorrectly, what YOU think is "loving detachment" may come across as "don'tgiveashitness," which is NOT what you're going for -- it sends the message "you don't matter to me." And conversely, if you PURSUE too much, with all the "Love Dare" crap, you send the message of "I don't value myself enough to stand up for myself, so how can YOU possibly value me?" And you lose respect, and therefore love, and you make things worse.
Like "tough love" with a child, where you have to make sure you're doing BOTH the "tough" part and the "love" part, you have to do BOTH loving, and detachment.
