When this began 8 weeks ago, when I first realized she was serious about leaving I started to overwhelm her with feelings and gifts. I started to say things I use to say but stopped long ago. I tried to get my W to go with me and do the things we use to. She rejected all my efforts. It seemed the more I tried the more often she would tell me she was leaving.
I'm not sure how long she and OM haven't been in contact, but I think the disconnect here between the "do I tell her I love her, etc.," vs. "no; that is pursuit" opinions, is WITHDRAWAL. You have to account for WITHDRAWAL.
Hard withdrawal after an affair usually takes 2-4 weeks, depending on the depth of the emotional connection that was developed (most EAs take longer than shorter PAs). Complete withdrawal, IF the formerly-wayward spouse maintains no-contact, can take 6-24 months.
During hard withdrawal, your wife isn't going to be open to you emotionally. All you can do is pretty much the emotional equivalent of pulling back the drunk's hair while they drive the porcelain bus -- do Acts of Service for her, be kind, let her see you interacting positively with OTHERS, but don't pursue HER during this time, other than the occasional "I hate to see you in pain" or some such empathy statement.
After hard withdrawal ends (and this is why COMPLETE NO-CONTACT, with a good transparency plan in place to confirm it, is so important, because ANY contact is going to reset her withdrawal "clock" to 0:00), you can begin to ramp up the attempts to meet her emotional needs. Start with her primary one or two love languages -- what are hers, OIN?
The REAL sucky part, is that YOUR emotional needs aren't likely to be met for that same 6-24 month period.
