Good news Zoo! ... and don't beat yourself up so much! If we knew what always worked for every curve life throws at us ... this would all be too easy!
Its trial and error, so it totally OK if it doesn't go well the first time, so long as you know not to repeat it for a second time.
Quote: He asked if we couldn't talk about this when he came home, that it wasn't something to talk about on the phone. He said he had been looking forward to a relaxing phone call...that he'd been on the go all day because of this crap and instead all I wanted to do was b^%ch.
What if ... the next time he delivers bad news like this ... you push it off for a later time when you're together. When he's giving you bad news, he won't come out and say it, but he's seeking for warm fuzzy thoughts himself. What if you came back with, "With news like this, I think we need to get under a blanket together when we talk about it."
Actually Kaw I tried a line like the blanket one...it more or less went over his head I think that night he was pretty much hearing only what he WANTED to hear (he more or less confirmed this when he apologised). He has as many problems as I do seperating some present happenings with past ones. I believe his x gave him hell everytime he deployed, he EXPECTS me to do the same and it discombobulates him when I don't. It doesn't mean HE acts any differently at the time...it just means I'm more apt to get an apology I guess once he gets a chance to think about it I run up against this in a couple of other areas as well. Hopefully we'll get it figured out some day
Unfortunatley H is being somewhat of a jerk today I'm tossing it off to just a mood but that doesn't mean I'm pleased about it I even waited until it seemed as if the mood may have gone away and tried to explain to him how it had been causing me to feel. I didn't say " You did such and such you lousy SOB" or anything like that I said " Hon, I would like to explain to you that when you say/yell at me when I am trying to be considerate after realizing I was ignoring you, I end up feeling like hell" That statement got me accused of once again being bitchy and whiny My tone was very neutral (I had waited a an hour and a half to calm down first ) I think I'm not even going to TRY to understand this one...it was bad enough that he shut me out afterward
Someitmes I think/feel I can never win
We've been having a great weekend otherwise
~SHrug~ Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I remember getting "called" on some comment or tone of voice or something a while back, and thinking inside...if you only KNEW that what I did was only a quarter or a fifth of the intensity, swiftness, and volume that I initially felt! ...I mean I had really reigned it in and felt I'd done well!
Frankly I'm glad that CJ doesn't use the words b!tchy or whiny...I think that would anger me more, they're very vague and very dismissive.
Wonder what your H would say if you asked him at that moment exactly HOW what you said and how you said it was whiny or b!tchy...in a tone of sincere inquiry of course!
Seems to me he's hearing (as you said) what he's programmed himself to hear.
If we knew what always worked for every curve life throws at us ... this would all be too easy! 
I think that night he was pretty much hearing only what he WANTED to hear (he more or less confirmed this when he apologised). He has as many problems as I do seperating some present happenings with past ones. I believe his x gave him hell everytime he deployed, he EXPECTS me to do the same and it discombobulates him when I don't. It doesn't mean HE acts any differently at the time...it just means I'm more apt to get an apology I guess once he gets a chance to think about it 
My tone was very neutral (I had waited a an hour and a half to calm down first 
) I think I'm not even going to TRY to understand this one...it was bad enough that he shut me out afterward 
...I mean I had really reigned it in and felt I'd done well!