New here but have been a voyeur

[Truegritter]

Exactly! Well put Pearl. You are on a path to get healthy and detachment is part of that process. If you file for D n(now) there will be no detaching with love (See above) Look at it this way Lola if this ends in divorce you are starting your healing now by detaching with love. It feels like limbo but it's a win/win rather than your lose/lose scenario that it feels like you're in. I am in the same deal.

If you take this path to be healthy, detach with love. You will be begin to heal. You will take back all this power that the events and circumstances have put pain upon you. You let it flow right by you like a boomerang. It's not your crap so don't hold on to it. Give it back to the person who made it and the ONLY person who can fix it. Your H. So one outcome is Lola starts getting a life, Lola set boundaries with H, Lola heals, Lola sees the truth of her life and she eventually will live that truth and not look back.

Scenario two, H goes through his own growth without you (which is the only way he can grow) without you hammering him about his mistakes, about your marriage, about disappointments, about his A. He may decide to deal with all that pain and get help. He may decide that his marriage and you are important to him. Your marriage my be reconciled with this new man.

Do you want your old husband? You're ready to divorce him right now.

Lola heals and starts a new life- WIN!
H grows and changes into new man-WIN!

You can't control anything but you. I know you think I got to get out there and start my new life. This path (detaching with love) is concurrent to your new life. This path is essential to your new life. You still have all the control. You can file for D anytime. That is just a piece of paper. You are stronger than paper.

Grit