Question

[awest1217]

I am not making any future plans right now because I don't know where I will be then. Last night after getting S's medicince and some other little things, S wanted to rake so we got the front yard done. Hopefully since I have raked the yard and landscaped areas, I won't have to weed as much picking all the little trees trying to grow from the tree seeds.

Today is a bad day for me. First, we have a meeting after work about the budget and the final decisions. Found out yesterday that if the retirement incentive didn't encourage the final two science teachers to retire...I would be out of a job. Thank God he worked that out for me. However today is when we will find out how many more teachers are being RIFed and about salaries. Very scary especially because I am dealing with all of this on my own. So much of my life rides on if I can afford the house, a D, etc.

Second, H tried to talk or text me a lot yesterday. First he sent one during the day that said thank you for keeping him posted about S. Then after work he sends me a text with the usual I hope you had a good day and then surprisingly he asked how my grandma was (I think he was just trying to start a conversation, which I am not going to do over texting anymore). I did answer his question and said thank you for asking. Then he continued with asking about S and me. I answered all the questions specifically, and to be nice asked about his day. Once he told me I said I am glad he is enjoying the conference and enjoy your evening. I ended the conversation as soon as possible and I think he noticed. About an hour later I get a text that says i love you with a sad crying face. I sent one back that said i love you too. i always have and I always will. I haven't told him I love him for two weeks.

Then last night at 10:30 I get another i love you with a sad crying face. I am not going to deal with him guilting me so I asked what the tears were for. He said he has had an emotional few weeks. I asked if there was anything more specific. He said he is trying to wrap his head around what is going on and talking to some new people about the sitch. (like that is really more specific) I asked if it was helping. He said i think so. Then I said good and I just want you to be happy and left it at that. Of course then I didn't sleep well the rest of the night, but oh well. He comes back today after being gone since Friday so I don't know what to expect because he didn't know where he was going to sleep when he got back based on what he said Friday. He will have a ton of work to catch up on, so I am figuring he won't have time for S or I to figure out the visitation or anything, but I am going to push for answers to those questions.

I knew this was going to happen soon. It is the typical cycle for him. Completely ignore me for a few weeks then start the random sad texts until I give in and things go back to him seeing us one or two times a week, we text every day, and then after a few weeks he goes back to ignoring because he is "too busy", and the cycle starts back over. I am off the hamster wheel. If he wants this to continue he is going to have to show some serious changes.

It is just weird that as this is happening with us, his little brother who has been pursuing the same girl for a year, and treating her the same way H treats me, put on his FB status "how do you know you love someone? when it is over..." The girl finally is completely done with him. She is a senior in high school and does not need to deal with this like I have for forever. It is just funny how both boys (the third one just lives at home, although he makes $30k a year, and never dates) are going through the same thing at the same time. Very strange, but we will see what today brings. I am going to try to not focus on it because H won't make a decision and even if he did, he is not one to talk to me about it so I am not going to worry. I just have to stick to my guns.