Are you getting good marital advice?

[saffie]

Oh my where to start. Well first off, I won't paraphrase Allen A. I will actually quote him to make sure I get my reference correct.

Yes, it is an infidelity subforum. It will have a "current" and that "current" will focus on breaking up an affair.

Your language is quite aggressive Surely we are looking at ending the A. I mention the tone of your language as it is a contast through your posts. Actually, as an aside, I personally did 'break up' my H's A, but that way is not the way for all; it just worked for me.

The affair must be addressed directly.

That is an opinion - granted it may be one held by many of the experts you mention - but it does not work for all. I have seen instances on these boards where ignoring 'the elephant in the room', on a long term basis has actually worked. See Alisuddenly for an example.

Many of the posters here have been kind enough to offer explicit references to Harley, Tuppy, Glass, Lusterman, and many more. These are not blanket opinions based on only their own experience, that would statistically speaking be only a single sample reference and of little value. We refer to those who research infidelity full time doing actual case studies. These experts deal with hundreds of infidelity cases and then document their findings and publish books on the subject. The opinions posted here are of the people posting AND of people who have dealt with hundreds of these cases as a full time job. LOTS of EXPERIENCE there to support an opinion.

I agree. But many of these experts also agree that different circumstances call for different tactics. I have read books/ articles by most of those authors you refer to. There is so much more involved than you break down their opinions/ advice to be.....otherwise their books would be very short.

But more to the point, what you are implying here is that your experience is worth more than theirs because you have already reached reconcilliation. I have several problems with this :

a. First, its insulting. I would respectfully ask you to apologize to the members of this forum for suggesting that your experience is worth more than their educated experience and that of the authors they have read. This is just downright silly, but more to the point, its offensive.

b. The people on this forum come here often when their lives are at their worst. Instead of falling and wallowing, they do research and find the strength, courage, and commitment to their marriages to post here. The idea that you show up and insult them because you have reached reconciliation and they haven't yet is offensive. The opinions of educated posters who have yet to reconcile is at the least equal to that of yours. I have yet to read a single infidelity reference on your part from any published expert on the subject. Surely you advocate reading before you speak up as having as much value as a hollow opinion tossed out at whim yes?

Now this section of your post was offensive. How many of Lotus' posts have you read? She was on here under another log in and maybe, not having known her under her other name has not given you enough history on her. But I know her and I know she is well read.

I also know that she does not consider herself, (and nor do I), better in any way because we have 'busted' our Ms. She is one of the posters that comes back to try and help others, rather than just fading away after things have righted themselves in her life.

Actually, if you bothered to read their posts you are privy to it, people publish their stories here regularly. But from my assessment of your posts, you don't read posts very carefully, at best you skim them and improvise a clumsy paraphrase. This act misinforms readers and insults the original posters who are now misrepresented. Cheap tactics like this belong in politics, not on a forum helping people combat infidelity.

We are only privy on here to what any individual decides to post - no more no less. As we know, there tends to be more than one side to a 'story'

As for you cheap comments about 'skimming' and 'cheap tactics'- well just put your knife back in it's sheath - that was uncalled for and very petty.

Good for you. Others arne't there yet. This does not make their educated viewpoints of any less value than yours. in fact I could argue that since they have been fighting their affairs LONGER that they have MORE experience than YOU. How long did the affair attack YOUR home Lotus? I am guessing it lasted less than a year. How many affairs have you had to fight Lotus? I am guessing it was only one, since you have only mentioned one. Some posters here have had to fight several. Their experience is considerably more involved than yours. Please offer them the dignity of respecting their opinion as at least equal to the value of your own uneducated and limited expeirence on the topic.

I don't believe that Lotus ever meant that because she was reconciled her viewpoints were better than anyone elses. What significance does the length of an A have apart from perhaps the way an individual decides to deal with it? If it keeps happening and there are multiple A's then surely that is a sign that something is wrong in the M and it isn't getting properly dealt with - otherwise there would not be repeat offending. A's are generally a symptom.....and most of your so called experts agree on that.

I will also mention again your arrogant and agressive tone.

This applies to YOUR advice then too Lotus... the information you are putting up here in this very thread is worth what we paid for it - nothing. The fact that you suggest this shows how foolish the suggestion is. It's self-contradicting. Free advice DOES have value. The suggestion that becuase it is free it has no value is ludicrous.

How often have I seen the guy "Who's got your back", Puppy, refer to his advice only being worth what the poster he is posting to is paying for it....ie. nothing. Lots of times.

But more to the point, educated experienced posters have a lot of value in their posts. They share information that they did indeed pay for when they purchased their text by Glass, Harley, Lusterman, Tuppy, etc. This information was NOT FREE.. it is just out of kindness that this information is being passed on for free. Your information is worth nothing as it isn't based on an infidelity reference, its a single sample rerernece and statistically speaking this is worthless. Your posts are hollow if they aren't backed up by significant experience on the subject.

These posters who have read these texts share their interpretation of what those authors have written; that can be a far cry from what was intended to be the advice. We can see that with just individuals interpretation of MWD's writings on this site . Two people can read exactly the same sections of her book and interprest them completely differently. I see it often when navigating from thread to thread.

Including your own Lotus. Yours is the most dangerous, its got no apparent research to back it up... So I am advocating yours is the one to be of the leasat use here. I am sad to say you have wasted valuable time that could have been put into helping people instead of my having to dismiss hollow challenges to educated posts from veteran forum members.

You chose to reply - you didn't have to.

You know Lotus so little and yet you go in to attack mode. If you did know her you would know that she does not advocate cake eating and is not as you descibe her at all. I would accuse you here of what you accuse Lotus - skimming and cheap tactics.

MWD advocates doing what works and 180's when required. Words of affection and telling someone you love them can work and be a 180 if in the past that is something you have ommitted to do. The advice for everyone is different as most peoples' circumstances differ slightly from one to another. There is no one answer fits all.

My belief is that Lotus started this thread just to say to people that they ought to filter the advice they were given and not follow it blindly.....as they would be the ones living with the consequences. I would apply the same criteria to advice from experts - they don't get it right all the time.

I agree that you need to get the A dealt with if you want to have any chance of rekindling the M, but how you do that varies. Sometimes an aggressive stance is required and in other circumstances that would chase off the cheating spouse for good. In my instance the aggressive stance worked, (after an 18 month A), as my H thought I didn't care for him. Me being upfront and forthright showed him how much I did care. For other posters it would have been counter productive - see benotafraid's posts.

I also believe that whilst discussions as to the different methods that one can take are very useful, attacking and insulting comments Allen are not - they reduce your credibility. I am sorry you had to resort to being so crass. I can only put it down to your own experiences.