Are you getting good marital advice?

[Dr LOve]

I know I am getting in on the tail end of this but....
Allen I can see by your posts that you have been "exposed" to allot of infidelity.
As for "authors" that have researched millions of cases and came to a conclusion. I can show you another author that also did research with millions of cases and they come to a different conclusion.
Where I used to work there would be a problem sometimes with a piece of equipment and they would call in an engineer to look at it. Sometimes it would take days for him to analyze the problem. A few times I would get tired of waiting and look at it myself and find that a piece of tape placed in the right place would fix the problem. Does this mean that I am smarter that the engineer? No it just means that he was looking at the problem and making it to complicate. You know paralysis through analysts.
Me I just looked for the obvious
I have read most of the books listed here and I take what I want and leave the rest.
When you first started posting I thought you were trying to say that I must confront my W's OM to end the affair" but then I read your post:
My wife tried to end her affair around a half dozen times... she was quite vulnerable and her OM was VERY manipulative... he knew exactly what to say to bring her back into the fog... and he did it...
“Each time she ended her affair with OM - and it was always her ending things not him - she would tell him it never should have started. It wasn't a matter of timing, she knew the first time she ended things during her EA with him that she had to end things... but she just didn't have the strength to do it... and her "friends" where foolishly supporting the A thinking she was "happier".

And yes in your sitch that was the logical thing to do was to confront the OM. BUT…..

In my sitch my W was also “lost in the fog” but in her case the OM just wanted to use her. He was an old Married BF that cheated on his wife with my Wife Before we got married.
My wife lost her job and her self esteem was really low. AND I am sure I was not the best husband either but she never said anything to me about her problems or if she did I did not “hear” her.
In my sitch I did go to Washington state (where he lives...I live in California) and I was thinking about confronting him but I didn’t. If I did it would have ended up with me in jail and that would not have done my sitch any good.
Also If I were to try to tell my W he was just using her she would not have listened.
I never “spied” on her after all he was out of state. But in the beginning I did look at the cell phone bill... after all it was in my name. I could see that she was the one pursuing him. At set times he would call from a pay phone and she would call him back. This would happen several times a day. But I think it grew old with the OM. He had no intention of leaving his wife. And I think the phone calls were starting to bug him. Anyway they became fewer and fewer and I have not checked in a long time but I am sure they have stopped.
We have not really “reconciled” yet but we are far better and closer to it that we were years ago.
So you see in my case confronting the OM and exposing him I believe would have made things worse. He could have ended up getting divorced and then had plenty of time to pursue my wife. I would have gotten divorced. My son would be living in a two house hold sitch. And allot of people would have been hurt. And anyway... I still can “expose” it anytime. And I am sure if it happened again I would. But I am a different person now. The first time when I found out I became a pathetic wounded person. She had cheated on ME and I was begging her to give me one more chance.
But I have grown. I have become my own person.
In DBing they talk about GALing and “acting as if” it is true but you can’t “Act” Galing or “Act” as if. You need to evolve. You really need to change your way of life and be “as if” and you do need to get a life.
That was my main problem in the beginning I was trying to fake it…
BTW W and I did go to Retro. It was great for me butit was too soon for my W. she was still in the fog.I think with the “new me” and the “Changed her because of the new me” if we went now it would do her allot of good.
Also I know Lotus personally. She is a good person and I have never known her to be judgmental. She is a little strong willed once in a while but sometimes I needed that. Still I don’t think she meant to offend anyone and she was just giving her opinion. I have had others here really lay into me and I listened to what I wanted and just let go of the rest.
JUST my opinion I have not written any books
Doc

Like I said every sitch is different. BTW you are a bigger man than I. I know a couple of guys that cheat on their wives and I refuse to associate with them and they know why.

Sorry for intruding I will now return to Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again