Thanks, rr22. I hope I don't lose the momentum! It doesn't take much to make Boxer dog nervous, but he'll adjust to the changes (or eventually have to see a canine anxiety specialist, if they exist).
How are things with you? Any progress with your H?
Good point, flowmom. Maybe I can wait to involve him when I have a better idea of where things are going or if/when he chooses to return to the home. However, now that I think about it, involving him might be a 180 for me. Hmmm. Going to have to ponder this one. I don't want to be presumptuous, but I don't want to exclude him from something important that he would enjoy. Tough.
I'm still in same spot as ever. Join the alt if curiosity gets the better of you and you need the super gorey details. LOL.
Mostly I'm working on my own stuff, keeping up with my GAL, life's transitions caused by this, and limbo, limbo.
This poster Nicole has a sitch similar to yours that she is talking to a DB coach about tomorrow. Let me get you the link.
About the renovations, sometimes they consider things pressure that LBS sees as normal politeness or fun times. I'm not saying don't; I'm just warning.
H and I had lengthy text conversations last night, and as predicted, he pulled back slightly. I'll try to summarize a couple hours of texting below.
Special note to the reader: Please recall that I have learned that a 180 for me is to share feelings, be vulnerable, articulate specific emotions, and openly and repeatedly express love. I have gotten more results from these methods than going dark and acting upbeat and positive.
8: [after a few texts about bills] Thank you for helping me keep the bills organized. I'm overwhelmed, and I appreciate your help.
H: I know ur overwhelmed. The situation is overwhelming. But everything will be fine, ull be fine, the house is in good shape, u have [your mom's] retirement payment that will cover the mortgage and most of the bills then ur check is enough to do whatever u want to do plus save some if u choose. [Side note: money has been an issue at times. I make more money, I receive my late mother's retirement, and the house is technically mine.]
8: That's not my focus. I don't care about my financial well-being. I'm overwhelmed with other things.
H: I know that too and I am srry. I never planned for things to work out like this, but it's where we are.
8: Yes, I know. I'm struggling to handle your rejection of me, so please don't tell me that things will be okay. I am trying to deal with feeling betrayed and abandoned. I understand your perspective and how you'd think everything will be okay and work out. Forgive me if I disagree. In a lot of ways I have been a fool, and I'll work through that part, too
H: You are not a fool and I'm sorry u feel betrayed but I was there for you for a long time especially when it counted and even though I don't feel like you cared about me or my feelings for a lot of our time together I don't harbor any anger or ill will toward you and I'm srry that it seems that u might towards me at this point. This would be much easier if anger were involved but I don't feel angry I just feel sad that it didn't work. And me leaving is not a rejection of you, it's a change of situation for the better. You are a beautiful good person and deserve to be with someone who allows you to feel good about yourself without having to change who u r. I love you and always have but the situation was not happy for me.
8: I'm not angry. I told you--I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel like you made a promise and you broke it. I am a fool because I believed that everything was okay. I was wrong, and that's hard for me to process and accept. I did care, but I was very sick for a while. I appreciate your being there. I never would have made it without you. However, I also feel like you kept a lot of things that you felt bottled up, and I never knew about them. I never had a chance to correct some things that drove you to leave. I may not have behaved as I should have, but my commitment to you has never wavered. I still love you, no matter what.
H: I'm sorry you feel that way. Abandoned, fooled, promised something and then having it broken
8: And I'm sorry that you felt like this was so bad that you want to end your life with me. We were happy once and could be again. It hurts that have so little faith in us and in me. I do feel abandoned and rejected, and I do feel like you've broken a promise. I don't mean to anger or offend you. And it's not about me changing. It's about both of us learning to communicate better with each other. I feel like you can't see the rainbow for the rain. My commitment to you and our marriage is unchanging. I'll be here for you always.
And this is where I said good night.
Though some of his words hurt me to read, I'm glad that he was open with me about how he felt. It gives me direction. I'm also glad that I was able to demonstrate my 180s by showing my genuine feelings (difficult though it is for me to share so openly).
Stay tuned for the next post--H overcomes the pullback and becomes irate and protective over my unpleasant work situation.
8, I don't know what to make of that conversation. It doesn't read as the standard WAS script from what I understand: esp. the empathy and the lack of anger and blame. Just don't know how to read it...hope others chime in.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It is an enigma, flowmom. However, before this round of messaging and since the separation, I have received a lot of anger and blame and not as much empathy. This was very different. At one point, he had said that he wasn't sure he could forgive and let go of things that had happened.
I've had similar conversations. H: It's about hopelessness, never trust you or this relationship again, I'm "past" anger, only sad because of losing you, our love, our dreams, everything, what we had (yet what he feels we didn't have ALL THE TIME and thus could not tolerate),and other similar things that you posted above. Your H was unhappy, identified you as the cause of his unhappiness, and thinks he will get "happy" alone or with someone new. In this new future, the woman will never have anyone die, never get sick, and, if she does, she will not be distant, moody, critical, or grieving, she will be a non-stop dispensing love machine who will make him "happy." Unlike you. She will turn life's stress, hers and his, into cotton candy.
That is my take of it. With some guilt sprinkled in. When I have gotten similar speeches (granted I expanded liberally on the grass is greener subtext, but I'm just extrapolating from the actual words and overall vibe).
This is not a 2X4. It's my interpretation of where you're at and it is partially where I've been (or am?) at times.
It is also the "reframing" offered in the "good divorce" articles in books and on the internet. Hey, no responsibility, no blame. We're both in a "different place" now. Let's be friends. What "forever"? I'm sorry you feel there was a forever and then broke your part of the cotton candy contract.
As far your your husband's depression, yes it colors everything. Especially the hopelessness to fix part. But it gets tricky because you also can't tell if it's just someone who wants to date and is depressed because he feels guilty about that. As he said, anger would make it easier because anger is energizing against depression and tamps down the guilt that he feels because he actually DID tell you he wanted to be with you forever. You're not making it up. It happened. He wants to erase it, for whatever reasons.
Here's my 2X4, don't say betrayal or abandonment to him again. It's true. But once for now is plenty. Soon he'll be angry at your for making him feel guilty, when you are only expressing your feelings, which he is not open to hearing at this time. Though he claims he is. Someone who is not willing to address the source of your problems, his reneging on a marital contract, doesn't want to hear it's hurting you. Read in the DR book about some of this.
