Thanks HeartsBlessings, you seem to be so rational and logical, I guess you've been in this "MLC Business" longer. I still compare him with the guy he used to be and it really hurts how cold and heartless he is at times. Yeah I still take it personally, who wouldn't after 37 years together. I just want to shake him and yell "wake-up it's ME Remember MEEEE".
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
BUT you have to remember he is at a time in his life BEFORE he met you, as weird as that seems...that's why you really do need to detach and distance..when you're looked at and treated as a total stranger, it can be VERY unnerving.
Wow... what you said there really hit home. You mean in his "REPLAY" he just doesn't "remember/acknowledge" ME/US?
Last edited by Mila; 03/16/1004:25 AM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Wow... what you said there really hit home. You mean in his "REPLAY" he just doesn't "remember/acknowledge" ME/US?
No, he's reliving his life in his head BEFORE he ever met you; gone all the way back to his childhood, as weird as that sounds.
I did indeed, deal with that; and it was weird when I saw it..the funny thing was, when I was going through my own transition; I would look at my husband; and think..."Now, who is this man again, and what is he to me?" I was living in a time BEFORE I met him, and forgot who he was to me at times. I have flashes of memory like that where I remember how I felt the SAME way he did when it was him.
My husband, more or less, finished his MLC nearly 8 years ago, and as he came out, I went in, staying within mine for 6 years..I came out nearly two years ago.
I came back, initially, to get some help with some new issues that have popped up concerning my husband, got some answers, then stayed to help for a time before I leave again. I never believed in asking for help; without giving back something in return.
The rationality and logic you're hearing from me, is old memories that pop up from time to time; as I remember what I experienced when the right questions are asked.
There came a time in this that I accepted what happened within his MLC, worked through it, as well as took my individual journey to wholeness, forgave all, and integrated every bit of it into my life. In time, I healed completely; and you will too.
The place I'm in now, is a much different place; but I haven't forgotten how deep the pain can be, though I no longer feel that pain within me.
If someone had told me over 8 years ago that I'd see the place I'm in now, I would have said they didn't know what they were talking about, I was hurting that badly.
But I DID cross over, and make it through this trial, in that process becoming a better person, though I could NOT see beyond my own pain at the time I was experiencing it.
You can and will, too...ANYONE can do this. The journey doesn't help you get there overnight, but in time you will make it across.
Regardless of what happens, you'll become a better, stronger person than you were before...and you'll see things more clearly.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hartsblessings I don't want to hijack confusedwife's tread. Thank you for your invaluable advice. Your insights are very revealing and helpful. I'm struggling with my sitch and probably making many mistakes, but I'm learning every day. Visit me sometimes on my tread I'll welcome your opinion
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Hello all, I have experienced my husband behaving as two children - a 15 year old boy and an 11/12 year old child. He is deep in Replay and I continue a stand of quite hope whilst GAL! It is so hard sometimes but feel I have a growing understanding of his pain.
His OW is an ex from 25 years ago so he is really behaving like the teenager from that crucial time in his life when he stopped growing emotionally (his Mum died when he was 15 and it was handling appallingly badly by his family - his 12 year old sister was sent on a French exchange trip for 2 weeks and not told her Mum had died - she was buried whilst she was away - she still bears the scars today).
I am getting better at thinking "C'mon who wants to live with a 15 year old boy??!!"
My role now is to protect my children from the fallout and I try very hard to move towards a new life for the 3 of us going forward. I can feel I am a different person since this whole sorry mess started.
Thank you for reading
Lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
I'm tired; and had gotten frustrated earlier..I reloaded, then couldn't slide my trailer axles..had to call for help; got help; then company didn't want to pay for the repairs on THEIR trailer..what a mess!
Hopefully, it got straightened out; the repair guy said company told him to fax his bill in; and he should get his money.
I know I'm NOT paying for that...I didn't do it...old trailers are mostly junk anyway! LOL!!
Otherwise, I'm all right..will start out tomorrow rolling back cross country.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi HB! Sorry to hear about your trailer issues! Hope it all gets straightened out!
H took our dog who has a lump to the vet today. He drove 40mi to get her and back 15 mi to take her in, then back this way 15mi to bring her home and then back 40mi to where he is living! I left a bag with some mail and chocolate chip cookies that D11 made and wanted to give him and the leash for the dog by the garage and it is gone so assume he found it. He didn't call to say what went on with the dog or leave a note or anything. Got home from a very busy day at work and S14 said he called his Dad and left a message asking about the dog.
I just happened to be taking towels next door to the laundry mat at about the time H was turning onto the highway after picking up the dog. Hy stomach got weird and jumped all over...
Was thinking last night that I am on the computer a lot at night when the kids are home and what if the kids say to H, "Mom is on the computer all the time"...so, tried to not be on here as much tonight after helping D11 with homework! I should wait until they go to bed but I am usually ready for bed then...lol!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW just wanted to comment about the people in your town talking about your H filing for D.
Yes, it does make for fun gossip. But the other reason people talk could be because it scares them that if it happened to you two, it could happen to them. KWIM?
About your response to the L regarding H filing for D...that did answer my Q and totally explains what people are talking about when they say D takes a long time! I also read that your L can make it drag out longer if you want them to! Is that what you asked your L to do? I guess it means $$$$$ though, right?
I understand about the computer. I do make conscious efforts to play with S in a different room so I am not tempted!! Being a baby, he does take naps, and goes to sleep early so I can freely get on. But my TV shows on the DVR are piling up,LOL!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
HI NM!! The town does not know that H has filed for a D...that seems to be the only thing they do not know about! The figured out that H hasn't been here and really do not know how they know seem to know of OW...can only guess that our friend that works at the same place as H is the one that spilled the beans but that was only after OW showed off the v-day gift that H got her and told everyone who gave it to her.
I am hoping that talking money to H will slow things down but since he has never really had a handle on money, it may be a lost cause!
At least your little guy can't "tell" on you!!! I have to think about every move I make, every word I say!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I am hoping that talking money to H will slow things down but since he has never really had a handle on money, it may be a lost cause!
It might, but who knows? I'm woman enough to admit I'm in deep waters, and don't know what to tell you on that, except to step away enough to allow HIM to do the heavy lifting..he wants this, you don't, so other than the "money" talk; let HIM do his own heavy lifting. Don't help him at all; sometimes that is part of their consequences for making stupid mistakes is to allow them to suffer theirs WITHOUT your help. To let them go and bump(or even crack)their heads is the best thing for them..understanding that you cannot stop this if they are THAT determined to go through with it.
When you help someone with something that is clearly a bad decision for them; you end up reaping the consequences right along with them, or even instead of them, as you, through your help, "enabled" them in their bad behavior; and they think they can get away with anything after that. It's kind of like "bailing" someone out who is irresponsible, and they keep on doing the same things, never experiencing their consequences, because someone else keeps reaping for them. Not a good place to be.
That is not the same thing as "letting them go" to make their own mistakes. In that, you're NOT helping them, simply letting them go, making them do the heavy lifting required to achieve their own ends...any consequences there, THEY bear, not you.
Make certain you are financially protected, though, and be prepared to fight for what is rightfully yours, CW...do not allow him to get of scot-free..you still have a child/children at home that need financial support.
The last is from a mother's point of view....I had thought, at one point it might come to the point of divorce, though it never did...and I let him know in NO uncertain terms after discovering the OW; that he was NOT going to get off scot free and live the life of Riley..leaving ME with all the responsibility. I flat informed him that I would clean him out, and I would have, if it had come to that. He knew me well enough to know I most likely would carry that one out, MLC or not.
I was and still am confrontational, and sometimes combative when it comes to standing for me. Thank goodness I don't anger as easily as I used to, but I will allow NO ONE to run me over....think I've been driving a truck too long; many battles I've had to fight there, LOL!
I think that last part about cleaning him out scared him; as I was shouting to beat the band by then...I was SO mad, my chest was killing me after that.
He was doing his best to get rid of her by the time I discovered her, and I could have saved myself some heartache if I'd have just watched it all play out...but NO..I had to be a big mouth, and shoot it off at him. That bought me three weeks of total rejection at his hands, drove me to the point of suicide, and at that point in time, I had NOT gotten what I was supposed to do.....I was TOO mad to listen to anyone!
I can see now that my anger cost me quite a bit, and it only hurt ME. You see, at that point in time, he wouldn't have cared if I'd lived or died, just so he got what he wanted. No matter what I said, it just didn't matter to him. I was raising cain, and he wasn't listening at that point..it was later that I learned to do the opposite of what I'd normally do.
I hadn't learned detatchment, distancing, getting away from his drama, nor had I started my journey at that time, either.
I learned a great deal from my mistakes; and tried to teach others what I learned from having been there.
You only hurt yourself when you don't learn to detach, distance, and get started with your journey...it's hard to know you can do nothing to help him; and you can only help yourself.
In the meantime, he needs to be left to twist in the wind; swinging like a pendulum, making his own mistakes that can and will hurt HIM in the long run, but yet, like the ripple effect, he will hurt the ones around him that love him through his actions/decisions during his crisis.
Those actions/decisions are the hardest ones to bear; most especially when they involve the children.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
