still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[mindfull]

<APPLAUSE> Flow!

[newmama]

Tonight I told WH there were some sandwich fixins in the fridge and left for 4.5 mile walk while I talked on the phone to my friend.

Then I returned, made some sugar free chocolate pudding (cook and serve) with some berries and whipped cream, then sat with my laptop while WH rocked S to sleep. He fell asleep too! haha

Well he was limping and said he was feeling pretty sore. I accidentally slipped into TLC mode but caught myself- whoops! Old habits are hard to break! So he put S to bed and came back to sit on the couch. I told him he could get going so he can rest (since he was limping and wincing) and suggested he take a vicadin tonight.

So he said he wouldn't be over tomorrow so he could rest and then I told him that I was still figuring out if I had plans Fri or Sat night- could I get back to him by Wed? He said "whenever you get back to me it's fine!" Guess he doesn't have plans with OW, lol!

Certainly not getting it on...in fact I wonder if...ahem..getting aroused is painful in some way due to his sore "ball!" His incision above his upper thigh was what was bothering him tonight....he let me know!

So tonight I feel good about being busy and then encouraging him to leave...like I was pushing him away! But I was also kind with providing leftovers in the fridge and TLC attention so to me, it was the perfect balance.

Oh and another thing: at first he said he wasn't sure about Wed and I said "what? you would be gone 2 days in a row? What about switching Tues and Wed nights then? Unless you had plans" (St. Patty's day) and he said "Oh no, no..I can do Wed. I need a day to let my incision rest."

I couldn't help but think about how he HATES CROWDS and we never ever went out on St. Patty's day due to the hectic bar scene but OW is totally into that whole thing! Gee if he is over here with his S, he has a good excuse to not go with her!

[flowmom]

<ding dong> Oh who's that at the door? Why, it's the flower delivery man! What a surprise...someone has sent me a bouquet of flowers! I wonder who they're from...

[newmama]

done!

[flowmom]

So your bombaversary is tomorrow NM? How are you feeling about that? Plans?

[newmama]

Flow, I was just going to post it. I kind of forgot about it until my friend reminded me! And then I realized why I was feeling so especially "out of body" and restless. I remember talking to my SIL last year and she said that it could take a year before my WH started to come around, based on what she has learned from her experiences with her H's A and with counseling etc. I remember thinking "could I be strong enough to wait that long?"

Well I should at least leave the house. So I will.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

yes yes, all those galings are great!!! I'm sorry for not acknowledging them....however, something is missing. what are you doing that H knows about or is seeing you leave looking all hot and sexy? that was what I was getting at.


oh, and great job about the fri/sat thing...be sure and look super hot!!! and don't give any details, just be in a hurry and excited to go!

hey, you ARE strong enough! and look at you go!! you are doing so so good.

[courageous wife]

And look just how strong you are!!!! Thinking of you tomorrow!

I hope, that I am still posting on here a year from now but in "piecing" and NOT on the "divorced but not done" board or "surviving the big D" but if I am still on the MLC board then that would be ok too! And, I hope to have a lot more wisdom to share!!!

[june72]

NM
I have been following along and keep wondering if your hubby is the only one you have ever dated or loved. I get the vibe that he is. Am I right?

I just have to ask you. Are you actions deep down based out of fear? Fear of being a single mom, fear of moving on, fear of having this man out of your life?

If it is fear, then of course that is the wrong motivator. Can you really, really deep down examine yourself and answer candidly on this?

I just keep wondering why you want him back at this point. That you deserve better than this, why would you settle for him at this point? I mean you could be searching for someone now that would LOVE to be a full-time dad. I mean he basically choice this OW OVER his own son. What type of integrity is that? You can excuse it all away with love chemicals, addiction, etc. When it comes down to it- a human is still responsible for the actions they take.

And yes, most affairs burn out but many people will stick in the affair since they have made their choice and are too embarrassed or too prideful, humiliated to admit they are wrong. They would rather live in the mistake than take the brave step forward of admitting how they screwed up.

Of course these are just my view points doesn't mean I am right...

Oh yeah, he is so the king cake eater- I just want to smack that frosting covered face-lol! I think he is super, super content with the status quo and will never file as long as things are going the way they are.

Someday, he will look back at the life he could have lead and be so very, very remorseful.

I think it's good that you pursued this path to bring him closer but now I think you have to create a crisis to shake up his world. Filling for separation and getting as much NC in as possible is going to give him pause. Deciding to move on will really rattle him. I am definitely going with my gut on this.


We all know he has been really enjoying his time together with you. I mean isn't that that the dream of many WA spouses. That the betrayed spouses will eventually come around and be great friends with them? A cozy little triangle- he, you and OW?

I really think that if you were out of his life he would actually miss you. Would he be strong enough to walk away from the mess he made? I am not sure... I am kind of pessimistic...

Thinking you can outlast OW, not so sure. Did you read the GQ interview with John Edward mistress- these wackos are content to get scraps. I mean why else would they be mistresses....

Again, IMO, best

[newmama]

June, I welcome your candid questions! They help me to analyze and strengthen my position further.

NM
I have been following along and keep wondering if your hubby is the only one you have ever dated or loved. I get the vibe that he is. Am I right? He is the 2nd man I have loved, but heck no not the only one I have dated! Maybe #22? lol- I have had mostly 3-6 month relationships prior with several 1-3 dates!

I just have to ask you. Are you actions deep down based out of fear? Fear of being a single mom, fear of moving on, fear of having this man out of your life?

Valid questions. Even those who WANT to divorce have fear so I would be lying to say I didn't have it. If WH divorces me, I have a true fear of getting remarried for the wrong reasons, putting S through the ringer, getting divorced again, and being single again at 40. Which I KNOW isn't the end all be all but it means looking for Mr. Right #3?? Like my mom, and my aunt.

If it is fear, then of course that is the wrong motivator. Can you really, really deep down examine yourself and answer candidly on this?

I honestly 100% believe that my WH and I could reconcile and be happy again, I PROMISE!! This is the reason why I am doing this. I truly truly promise this is my #1 reason and fear that I mentioned above is #2. I know I could be a single mom- my mom did it!

I just keep wondering why you
want him back at this point. That you deserve better than this, why would you settle for him at this point?

The same questions asked of all of us who take our cheating spouses back. I have read a lot about affairs and long term affairs but ultimately I have my faith in him and us is all I know! And if I am wrong, we'll divorce.

The other thing is that the longer someone is involved in an A, the harder it is to end it. Who knows why God allowed us to make a baby in fall 08? But it happened. And so did this.I am not strictly religious but am spiritual.

I mean you could be searching for someone now that would LOVE to be a full-time dad.

Nope, he wouldn't get to be a full time dad just as I wouldn't get to be a full time mom. With joint custody, you share the child. If WH died, sure I would get to be the full time mom, and I would still remarry with the same fear as I addressed in the 2nd paragraph.

I mean he basically choice this OW OVER his own son. What type of integrity is that? You can excuse it all away with love chemicals, addiction, etc. When it comes down to it- a human is still responsible for the actions they take.

Yes you are right. A human also makes mistakes and a human has the ability to change.I have!

And yes, most affairs burn out but many people will stick in the affair since they have made their choice and are too embarrassed or too prideful, humiliated to admit they are wrong. They would rather live in the mistake than take the brave step forward of admitting how they screwed up.

All due respect, but where you are you getting this info from? And why is there such a low survival rate for affairs? I need to dig up the stats and post them!

Of course these are just my view points doesn't mean I am right...

Let's hope you aren't right, LOL!

Oh yeah, he is so the king cake eater- I just want to smack that frosting covered face-lol!

HAHAHA! Great image!

I think he is super, super content with the status quo and will never file as long as things are going the way they are.

I just don't get the vibe that he is all fancy free and happy inside! If he was, he would D me.


Someday, he will look back at the life he could have lead and be so very, very remorseful.

Yep! Regardless of whether we D or R, he will regret this. BUt I won't regret my efforts!

I think it's good that you pursued this path to bring him closer but now I think you have to create a crisis to shake up his world. Filling for separation and getting as much NC in as possible is going to give him pause.

If I do this, it will be when I return to work in August. I think he is on the fence which is actually progress compared to where he was 5 months ago. Now I want him to lean to my lush, green grass!

Deciding to move on will really rattle him. I am definitely going with my gut on this.
My gut says if I move on, so will he!

We all know he has been really enjoying his time together with you. I mean isn't that that the dream of many WA spouses. That the betrayed spouses will eventually come around and be great friends with them? A cozy little triangle- he, you and OW?

I don't know- I have never talked to a Wayward Spouse! I just have the movies and TV shows to go by. Looks like those same movies and TV shows promise us all "Soul mates" and "happily ever after" romances waiting around the corner! I do suspect HE KNOWS I WON'T BE FRIENDLY IF HE DIVORCES ME!

I really think that if you were out of his life he would actually miss you.

I feel stuck there....I agree but can't commit to 100% NC so I just try to not be around him as much as I used to.

Would he be strong enough to walk away from the mess he made? I am not sure... I am kind of pessimistic...
You see, I think he is strong enough. It is just my gut- strong enough to leave her and return to us.


Thinking you can outlast OW, not so sure.

LOL- why do so many assume that I am outlasting OW, psycho chick who tried to steal the life she always wanted by taking the man? No, I am banking on WH ending the A...

Did you read the GQ interview with John Edward mistress- these wackos are content to get scraps. I mean why else would they be mistresses....

That Rielle Hunter is a piece of work! I don't get why the OP feels like if there were problems in the M then it makes it okay!

Again, IMO, best

June, I KNOW these opinions are out there! You represent many many others who have the same q's! I don't know if I helped you understand my mentality. Something else that goes into the equation is that I do not believe for a second that WH would cheat with anyone else if we R. Thanks to the wayward spouses on survivinginfidelity.com, I see that 100% of them stated there was something broken inside of them, some kind of insecurity, that manifested itself to mess with their brain and justify having an A. So here I am, in SICKNESS and in health. Just need WH to "go to rehab!"