How 2 fix sex issue if he won't let me?

[alice444]

I would love some advice from people on this sex forum, as that's my husband's #1 complaint. My story. I've read some of your posts and a few of you here could be my husband (TeaEarlGray, for instance). So I'd like perspectives from both sides.

I guess we're in Last Resort phase now. My husband wants to S. I know he has a lot of hurt and rejection issues over sex with me. We have been to therapy (he won't go anymore, even just to work on me, on whom he blames all of our problems- I was willing to go just to fix myself but he won't anymore). I have already been through the stages where I admitted what I screwed up on, took full ownership, apologized, empathized with his feelings and offered a 180 of sex whenever he wanted it, and he turned me down, said "I'm done- too little, too late". (I'm simplifying, but this is our last interaction about the topic about a week ago).

So how the hell do I "work on" changing my behavior through actions if he refuses to be intimate with or consider sex with me??? Any insight or advice is welcome. It feels totally off-limits to do anything affectionate like hugging or kissing- I have strong vibes from him that he feels very final about a D (but he is so angry right now he can't see straight), and that he doesn't welcome my touching him. Would it help if I started with things like touching his arm or something that feels less intrusive/ intimate? Btw, I already have a life and am attractive, active and don't need to lose weight.

To the HD H's on here who have felt rejected by their wives-- at the point where you felt like your wife would never change, was there anything (and what was it) that she could've done to prove you wrong? In addition to frequency issues, was it that you wanted her to WANT sex as much as you did, i.e., her just having it and participating with a good attitude when you wanted to - and even maybe enjoying herself - wasn't enough- that you needed her to feel that same WANT that you did? In my case, I show my love many other ways besides sex, but it seems they don't count when the sex isn't as frequent as he wants- do you notice those other ways your wives show love, or do those things not matter at all to you if the sex isn't there?

I have some non-sex questions too- (already posted these in newcomers and didn't get much advice on these- sorry, I know this is the sex forum, but I'd really like your insight on the other things I can work on that he complained about - and perhaps they can get me closer to a point where he would consider sex)-- but I'm confused as to how to work on them AND be the non-pursuing, non-bugging spouse:

- me not acting very happy all the time, complaining and giving him the silent treatment rather than talking to him when I'm angry (I'm working hard on this, not complaining or nagging, lowering expectations of him re: childcare, trying to be cheerful, etc. but in the state we're in- possibly LR - it feels unsafe to talk to him about anything I've been angry about now-- correct?)

- me not consulting him before making plans or decisions (if I want to continue to have a life and show him I'm fine without him if I need to be, is it undermining that attitude to ask if he minds if I go out with friends and would he watch our D? That is one example of his that he asked me to do. It feels like asking permission of him, though = being reliant on him and giving him the power. Thoughts on how to work on this without losing my power? I am working on asking his opinion on other decisions instead of just deciding.

- he didn't feel like he was a priority to me (mostly b/c of lack of sex). I'm confused about how to work on this one w/out sex and also w/out doing things Michele recommends against like going out of my way to do little things for him, etc.- that's pursuing, right? How do I show him he's a priority without giving off "I'm trying desperately to win you back" vibes and if I can't give him sex? Any tips? He gives off strong vibes that kissing or hugging him isn't welcome at this time. Would it help a little bit to open the door if I did something non-threatening like touching his arm once in awhile?

thanks so much--

Jaime