NEON RED is GO for Launch!

[Zoo]

Well folks, I am in a bit of a quandry The phone call came late last night...my H is being mobilized (Army reserves) and will probably deploy in the near future This could happen in as little as 4 days or a couple of months and there is no way of knowing where he will be going until he gets orders in hand

This scares the hell out of me in regards to our R. My H has a pattern of not doing well in long distance R's...his thought processes tends toward the idea of "what she don't know won't hurt her" Yes, it is an ASSumption on my part that he will follow the same pattern this time as well but I also spent a good bit of time in the military myself and the pragmatic side of me says that to expect faithfullness and fidelity from a man on deployment is just asking WAY to much. That is not to say that ALL married men in the military are faithless dogs but TBH, many of them are

I have tried to address this issue with H a couple of times when discussion of possible deployment has occured. My approach is always practical and matter-of-fact; not assuming or accusatory. I ask for nothing more then an honest reply. H will usually just shut me out. This could be because he thinks I'm being stupid and a pain in the ass by questioning his fidelity ( he has proven he is over all that now, hasn't he?) or it could be because he can't admit the truth of what I do say, to himself or me either one. I don't want to make an assumption here, but with no input from him that becomes difficult. I hate looking to past behaviour to predict future behaviour but again, with no input from him...blah,blah,blah.

It would probably help me more if I knew WHERE H were going. If it is someplace like Ft. Knox or into a combat zone I could deal with it infinitely better then if it were someplace else stateside or Germany. Ft.Knox... because he would be home frequently. Combat zone... finacial stress wouldn't weasel it's way into things and less chance of infidelity to tempt him. Elsewhere stateside or Germany...too much temptation and beaucoup financial stress/resentment. H spent 3 days in Germany his last deployment and managed to spend ALL of the substantial amount of money I had saved...12-18 mos there would bankrupt us

If H were active duty this would be a no-brainer...we would do a pcs move except if H went to combat zone. He hasn't been in the reserves long enough for us to find out anything about all of this

What does this whole mindless rant tell me?? My faith in H is shaky and that saddens me to no end My trust in H is about to be tested to the Nth degree and I think that is grossly unfair to both of us. I have choices to make that I don't want to...I can chose to allow myself to get slightly delusional and believe that H is now perfect as the better man he has begun to grow to be and will not let me down AGAIN, that he values this M beyond anything else and would not allow himself to do anything to jeapordize it OR I can choose to be extremely practical, knowing that these types of sitch can lead to good people doing stupid things, allow for and except certain behaviour as being "something that just happened", forgive it and hope our R can be picked up and put back on track again when the 12-18 mos. is up. I would love to be able to make choice number 1 and not think twice about it...I'm giving the odds to choice number 2. This of course means that I am reverting back to my old behaviour of having definite expectations to which H will revert back to his of living down to Damn, I hate knowing myself this well

Let me bring SOMETHING good to this post. H has continued to be wonderfully affectionate and loving. If I didn't know better I would swear he was on drugs!! He is sooo unlike the H that he was. Lots of touching and holding, smiles and goodness

I do get disappointed on occasion but he does his best to make up for when that happens. This is never more true then the whole wedding ring fiasco. I'm not getting one for xmas nor any time soon it would seem My xmas gift is under the tree and sadly, I know what it is H asked me if I had checked the package out ,picked it up or shook it or anything and I said no, I didn't need to. He said that he got me what I wanted, I asked him what he thought that was? He repeated that it was what I wanted...I laughed and told him that I said I only wanted ONE thing this year...that I told him what it was when he asked me a month ago. H said "you did, I don't remember that...what did you say?" I could only stare at him slightly dumbfounded. I quietly told him "I told you I wanted a new wedding ring and I told you why...but since you recently told me no, you weren't getting them, I let it go". H said "well that isn't what it is" and I told him I KNEW that...the box is to damn big. H then said "well it is something you said you would LIKE to have so I think you'll like it". I just told him I was sure I would since I was pretty sure what it was. I stopped talking about it then because the disappointment was welling up to the point where i couldn't hide it anymore. So I am getting cookware for xmas (just as I predicted would happen) and it isn't even going to be the cookware I REALLY want...it is something that I saw on TV and thought was nice and said I could probably live with for awhile considering how expensive the stuff I want is. For me it was just idle chit-chat while watching TV together...H took it as a hint And I had been going out of my way to avoid talking about cookware and kitchen stuff so I WOULDN'T get it for xmas Guess I will be acting "as if" again this year. Some of you are probably thinking I'm being a bit petty here with this...I should be glad to be getting anything...but it took a great deal of soul searching for me to ask H for a ring (I came to the BB agonizing over it being the right choice), to vary from the easy norm:(

Enough already...I'm getting silly here

Zoo