Ah, here is an example of what Allen A is referring to:
Quote:
You must take this opportunity to prove to her that you can do something you haven't been doing for some time: Meet her most important emotional needs. First, you need to discover them. What was her friend doing that she found so irresistible? He probably talked to her, showed an interest in her, was respectful and encouraging, demonstrated his care by being there for her when she needed him. And maybe, most important, he didn't criticize her or try to straighten her out.
Call her, send her flowers, tell her how much you love her, how much you miss her. Don't smother her, but let her know in no uncertain terms that you value your relationship with her.
That example is one where the woman has already ended her affair, and come back to the husband. You're taking it out of context.
Here is the paragraph immediately preceding the one that you quoted:
Quote:
First, let's analyze the problem. Over the past few years, you and your wife have grown apart. You have become incompatible, and you are not meeting her emotional needs. She probably isn't meeting yours either. She found someone who meets her needs, and was willing to give up her relationship with you to be with him. She comes back to you reluctantly, because she has no choice. But it gives you an opportunity.
Harley teaches that you can't meet the emotional needs of a spouse when they're still actively cheating -- they will be physiologically blocked to you. You must first separate the addict from the source of the addiction, and THEN, yes, you need to set about the hard work of repairing the marital relationship, including your own role in its demise, including not meeting their emotional needs.
