3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I feel the anxiety of being responsible for not only my feelings but his. I feel a pit in my stomach. I am filled with fear. I feel like I am grasping at something. I imagine him pulling away. This thought brings stress to my life. When I have this thought, I am in H’s business, not mine. When I have this thought, I can’t be present with H because I am expecting him to love me back. When I have this thought, I blame myself for not loving H enough. When I have this thought, it feeds my obsession about our M. The payoff for holding onto this belief is the illusion that I can control H. I’m afraid that if I didn’t have this thought, I would be giving up the hope of H loving me. When I believe this thought, I am not able to take care of myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
My love would be untainted by fear or anxiety...it would just be. I would be a whole person who can love freely. I would be able to relax into my love.
Turn the thought around. If I love H enough he will not love me back. I have loved H enough and he hasn’t loved me back when I was depressed before we were M, when he had the affair before we were M, and now. H’s love for me is his business, not mine.
If I love myself enough I will love myself back. Taking care of myself and mothering myself will increase my capacity for self love. My love is MY business.
If I love myself enough H will love me back. I don’t know if H will love me back, but I know that his love for me has been strongest when I have loved myself (going on adventures together, becoming parents, talking and exploring ideas together).
Last edited by flowmom; 03/16/1005:47 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Feeling physically rotten this afternoon and went to bed. Stayed there when H and the kids arrived home. It was wierd to have H come right into my bedroom and see me in bed when he gave me the kid update. I was dressed and groomed and everything. Just strange to be not putting up as much as a face as usual. Almost 3 months after the bomb...shouldn't the feeling in my stomach be calming down by now?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, my H and I separated 2 days before you and your H, and my stomach still hasn't calmed, either. I don't know when that happens. I'll go days and feel just fine. Then I'll feel physically sick and like I'm on fire inside. I had a physically rotten moment like that last night. I could have crawled into bed and stayed for days if I'd given in to it.
flowmom, my H and I separated 2 days before you and your H, and my stomach still hasn't calmed, either. I don't know when that happens. I'll go days and feel just fine. Then I'll feel physically sick and like I'm on fire inside. I had a physically rotten moment like that last night. I could have crawled into bed and stayed for days if I'd given in to it.
But you have an ulcer, right??
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks Awoken. I'm OK, I'm just not used to my body being a basket case like this.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
ON stomach feelings - here I am a year on and I still have problem calming my stomach. It's not a problem as often as it used to but it's still there - along with trouble sleeping, eating, smoking - etc. I used to have it every day - one time I threw up simply from worry! lol. It goes away slowly. Don't be hard on yourself. Three months in is still early. It's like going through "withdrawls" - not that I would know, but I imagine that's how it feels. ((FM))
flowmom, my H and I separated 2 days before you and your H, and my stomach still hasn't calmed, either. I don't know when that happens. I'll go days and feel just fine. Then I'll feel physically sick and like I'm on fire inside. I had a physically rotten moment like that last night. I could have crawled into bed and stayed for days if I'd given in to it.
But you have an ulcer, right??
Too true, flowmom! The fiery feeling is legitimate. There are definitely some feelings of anxiety in my stomach, too (it feels sort of like beetles instead of butterflies).
