setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

[newmama]

Here is the protection Phase letter and yes, Puppy pasted it under mb28's thread!

Originally Posted By: WhatNow
From SYMCINC.com Penny tupy:

Protection Phase Letter:

Dear ________,

I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.

The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.

In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]

I love this. I think if you took 100 people on these boards, in various stages of infidelity, and they did NOTHING ELSE RIGHT, but they sent this? and stuck to it??

I bet 50-75% of the affairs would be busted, right off the top. Seriously.

Puppy

[Piano]

Penny Tuppy.... Puppy.....

Ookkaayyy !

Puppy, I’ve been following your advice elsewhere on the site and trying to apply where relevant to my sitch ---- WAH involving PA (OW overseas), separated 3months, baby # 1 due in 2 months

Just been reading another thread where you talk about ATTACKING the affair.

Did that. But not sure if it’s over or not.

One month ago, it was “not over”, then 2 weeks ago, “there’s no relationship” (why? Cos she lives 10,000kms away?)

When I ask if it is still on, he says “It’s my intimacy. It’s none of your business and I won’t tell you”.

Thinks his stance is justified because he’s told me in no uncertain terms that we are “over”, so I have no right to information.

All signs of an exit affair? I think it’s a way of him beating with me a stick & proving to me we are not worth "fixing".

Currently working on GAL, 180s, detachment and boundary setting...

How HARD/SOFT should I behave at this point in time?

And is NOW the time to do the CANT BE FRIENDS, LET ALONE BEST FRIENDS, line...or should I do what BD coach says and concentrate ONLY on restoring non-hostile communication with him?

[Piano]

Ah yes, the Protection Phase Letter. Thanks for reposting it NM! It is a great letter... I would love to send it.
Only problem: he says our M has ended definitively and we have no future and wishes I'd just "get it" and any qs relating to the OW are none of my beeswax.
I guess that brings us back to the only viable variation on the Protection Phase Letter, which is the 'we can't be friends..so I'm removing myself from the situation/respect my space' line. Right?

[Piano]

So I added the comment about you letting him know when you will see him again because well, not to sound sexist but it is, men need black and white communication at times. By you saying "thanks for respecting my space" (in so many words) it sounde like you are are just thanking him. It didn't sound like "I can't see you know. Please respect my space." SO I added that last suggestion.

Yes, good point.

[Piano]

On one hand it's helpful for them to see DBing efforts on our part, but really, when you are trying to survive the first month or 2 after the baby is born, there's not much energy (nor should there be) for DBing!!!

Yes, I imagine this is completely so! I suppose that is why I see these next two months as so important for me..it will be the only time I can DB with all my energy behind it. It's so good to read about your experience - you've been here...

SO before the baby was born, I could have found a way to let him know that I want him to be able to see his son as much as he wants, but would need a balance between seeing him and protecting me from seeing my H since it is too painful to see him while we are not actively married. Shouldawouldacoulda...

Yes, setting boundaries....we have to heal.

[Piano]

I knew I shouldn't have answered the phone. It was WAH's mum. She's been great generally, and wants us to get back together, but I can see now how communication with wellmeaning friends n family can start to interfere with ones DBing efforts!
She was upset that I didn't think at this stage it would be possible for H to be in the birth. She said that's "not nice". And I said, a bit aggressively, "No - what H did to me is not nice! I am just trying to protect myself and bring this baby into the world peacefully".
I said we'd see in 2 months time...
Furious, and need to get breeaaaaaaathe through the anger and get rid of it & get back to detachment & positive mode.

[newmama]

Don't worry. I think your MIL will think about what you said and will understand. Something I am grateful for is that my inlaws have been supportive, especially my SIL, and she has babysat for me at least 5 times now! SHe really wants me to ask for her help more.

Even the hard core guys out there say that having your WH's family's support is good! Now will you have any of them at your birth or allow them to visit? It's your choice.

About what your WH said about the M being over and him wishing you'd "just get it" are what all WAS say, A or not! So just no that is par for the course. :-(

[flowmom]

We were 15 years together before I came around to the idea of having children, and I had to overcome - with WH's wonderful support! - my fears... We also spent a year trying to concieve, and ended up with fertility treatment, which was no fun for me epecially. In my last email(persuing...) to WH, I reminded him of my fears and how I had said many times through tears "Don't make me a single mum...don't make me a single mum".
I must have had a premonition.. He had a PA/ran off when I was 3months pregnant!

That is horrible Piano. I can't imagine how low you'd have to be to abandon a pregnant woman...grrr!

Have to say, though, some guys aren't really ready to be fathers...cause they aren't really grownups deep down inside.

I haven't read your sitch...but hugs to you.

And FWIW, don't invite anyone to your birth unless you feel totally safe with them. Birth is not a spectator sport. It's not just about your feelings...protecting your emotional safety helps the birth physiologically.

[Piano]

Flowmom, I think he is certainly, deep in his unconscious, very scared of being a father. He was someone who was/is very emotionally intelligent when it comes to other people, but was always on the run from himself. For eg, he couldn't spend a night alone and must have received all his affirmation via others. PArt of how he made his way through the world..from hard beginnings. I knew that, but did't realise how deep this insecure core ran through him.

Anyway, the short of his story is that he was abandonned by his father at birth and only met him 2 or 4 times. So today, his story is that an absent father is NORMAL. And whatever he is going to do has to be better than his father, and that'll do. But worse, he has no idea of how to be a father INSIDE a family unit. He's fine latching onto other poeple's families, but when it comes to being in his OWN -- I think he feels like he would drown....

I am in detach mode really for the first time since the bomb, 2.5 months ago...

I think cos of baby on board, I can't go DARK but DIM will have to do.

NO WAY I am having him in the birth.

I am practicing hypnobirthing which is all about being in a very calm space...

I'd just want to throttle him if he was beside me during labor!!

[Piano]

And yes, any man who leave a pregnant, long-term partner, first-time mum..STINKS!