New here but have been a voyeur

[marriedCrazy]

I guess I am confused with detachment..I feel like when I become more detached (caring about myself more...realizing that this relationship has been toxic and I need to separate..know that I am better right now without him...the feeling that I cannot imagine him back at this house)..I have that clarity. When I think about all of this being so final- I get cold feet. I don't know what I am supposed to feel right now.

There is the dichotomy in detachment.

I view my detachment in a similar fashion. It is said around here that many times when the WAS has decided to return; the LBS turns the tables and becomes the WAS. I can feel it in my sitch. Detachment DOES give you the opportunity to see just how TOXIC the M has become and how far you get "fogged" into the M. In other words and in my case, the "fog" of the M and "walking on eggshells" to keep it together clouded my perception of what was really happening and how I was REALLY being treated by my spouse.

This time allows one to reclaim one's individuality and many times after our "AH HA" moment; we fear going back to what we were so fervently fighting for. But that's the chance we take. In the end, whether the M can be reconciled or not; we have become healthier individuals. For surely we were not before.

I'm OK with my M ending. However, I believe in M and if my W is truly repentant and willing to do the work; I will CHOOSE to stay to prevent the scourge of D from affecting my family. But if she cannot do what's necessary; I'm prepared to protect my children and my own sanity.

[Truegritter]

Lola

I had the same confusion about that. Detachment does not = giving up on the R. You just have to detch your emotion and expectations from it because you can't control him. It is setting boundaries like he's not going to come over and upset you when its raining and not help with the basement, he won't have the opportunity to tell you that you forgot to pick up puppysh*t.

It gives him free rein without you driving everything
Essentially you are giving him the rope to hang himself with. If he were wanting to rencile the marriage what would he be doing? What would indicate he is commiting?

[lolawar]

I just feel like if I detach...I should just detach and move on. The pain will be just as intense down the road..as it will be if I just nip it in the bud now. I feel like I am just prolonging the pain. I know that D is extremely painful..no matter when you decide to deal with it. Do I just face it head on...or exist in this 'dull' pain for awhile before facing the inevitable pain that is bound to come?

I am young (34)...and I still have a positive outlook on life and love... Am I just wasting time? I truly cannot move on with my life..detached or not detached...while I am still M. As long as I am still married..there is that glimmer of hope...that glimmer of hope prevents me from dealing with the pain of losing my M...I felt some of that yesterday when I truly thought I was ready to end it. I broke out in tears multiple times throughout the day thinking of how final everything would be when I filed for D. I am not sure if detaching will make anything easier when it comes down to that D day.

I want my life to be my own again. I hate being so out of control of everything..perhaps this is the lesson that I am learning...that you cannot be in control of everything..but I also do not want to sit back while life passes me by..waiting for something that may never happen..or may not be worth my wait. I don't mean to be a soggy diaper..but does anyone feel the same way?

[nicole8]

I TOTALLY FEEL THE SAME WAY! I would like to just know the outcome now, is it worth the pain and waiting. Can things be what they were before....Would it be easier to just give up now? But what about the fun person my H used to be? Can he ever be who he was? Can he forgive himself for what he has done and get the help he needs?

I find myself trying to think of how the same amount of pain can be put on him. I know that isn't fair because he is really experiencing pain and does think that the only way to solve his problems/issues is to be divorced and start over without the house, dog or ME!

I do need to be his friend, but that is really hard to do. He is hard to talk to now, he doesn't want to talk about much at all. How do you connect or talk with someone who thinks it isn't worth their time because they think the marriage is the problem??? WTF, I feel like this is a no win situation.

Sorry, just venting and hopefully helping you know that I actually do feel your pain to some degree.

[pearlharbr]

While I agree that it is easier to detach by just moving on, I'm not sure you're really understanding that you can detach while in a relationship and that the goal is to remain lovingly detached.

I believe you've read the Livestrong article but I'm going to repost a portion here as a reminder (emphasis is mine):

Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

I know you don't want to live in limbo anymore. I get it. It's painful and stressful and generally not happy. But you can work on detachment as described above without making any final decision about D. When you're more emotionally stable the clarity will come.

[Truegritter]

Exactly! Well put Pearl. You are on a path to get healthy and detachment is part of that process. If you file for D n(now) there will be no detaching with love (See above) Look at it this way Lola if this ends in divorce you are starting your healing now by detaching with love. It feels like limbo but it's a win/win rather than your lose/lose scenario that it feels like you're in. I am in the same deal.

If you take this path to be healthy, detach with love. You will be begin to heal. You will take back all this power that the events and circumstances have put pain upon you. You let it flow right by you like a boomerang. It's not your crap so don't hold on to it. Give it back to the person who made it and the ONLY person who can fix it. Your H. So one outcome is Lola starts getting a life, Lola set boundaries with H, Lola heals, Lola sees the truth of her life and she eventually will live that truth and not look back.

Scenario two, H goes through his own growth without you (which is the only way he can grow) without you hammering him about his mistakes, about your marriage, about disappointments, about his A. He may decide to deal with all that pain and get help. He may decide that his marriage and you are important to him. Your marriage my be reconciled with this new man.

Do you want your old husband? You're ready to divorce him right now.

Lola heals and starts a new life- WIN!
H grows and changes into new man-WIN!

You can't control anything but you. I know you think I got to get out there and start my new life. This path (detaching with love) is concurrent to your new life. This path is essential to your new life. You still have all the control. You can file for D anytime. That is just a piece of paper. You are stronger than paper.

Grit

[pearlharbr]

Lola, have you read kara's thread? I think that would be a good one for you. She decided to truly drop the rope and just live her own life. She's doing great and much more at peace now. Check her out.

[Surviving03]

man... did I need to read that thread about detaching with love... I am to a point now where I feel like I HAVE to detach for my own health and sanity! Its hard because I have been dealing with this for almost 6 weeks thru long distance (H has been in Iraq) but he is coming home tomorrow, but there has been NO progress or sign of hope... he fed me little lines of we will see how it goes when i come home, but in the meantime has made nothing but further steps towards being single, such as buying himself an expenive new car and planning a trip to Vegas in two weeks instead of actually giving it a shot with me, and telling EVERYONE and their brother that he is getting a divorce and says it in a way as if he is almost bragging... incredibly hurtful... will he come out of this fog he is in, i dont know? But i can almost guarantee it wont be before he files for D, especially since we are overseas and he is going to want to get me out of here soon since his orders for his next base will be coming out next month, etc... I am fairly certain he will file for D while he is on this little trip and then come home and have me served... so there is nothing I can do but try to detach just so i can stay sane... its hard as hell.... but i have to get to that point...

[lolawar]

There is so much truth in that detaching article. Grit- thank you for the clarification..that was helpful. . Like Meg, this whole thing has impacted my health..well my weight. 5'8 and now 118 lbs..I am typically thin and no history of eating disorders..but my normal weight is around the 135 mark. I am finding it very difficult to eat..well to find anything appealing to eat...and the past three days I have literally forced myself to eat even though it was making me a bit nauseous.

Pearl- I just got done reading Kara's thread...she is definitely in a better place than I. Although I carry on my day to day like her..hang with friends..pilates..see family- I have a very busy social life..I am even exploring different job opportunities- I started at my current job at the same time I met my H..so I am thinking about making a move. In front of friends and family- they see me as a rock. So on the outside I am able to do this..but on the inside something very different is going on. I know these negative feelings come and go...but when they are here..they just feel like they are NEVER going to go away. Ironically..it is that time of the month ; ) So I am trying to just weather the storm. Just in a funk right now.

I am going to the attorney tonight...which is probably another reason for my 'funk'. I filled out some forms and printed them out. Lolawar vs Mr Lolawar- it made me sick to my stomach to read. Just never thought this would happen. I am not going to go thru with filing tonight..but I am going to have all the paperwork ready for when/if I make this decision.

Kara's story gives me a bit of hope. Perhaps I do need to give this a bit more time. I just feel like there haven't been many positives lately...which really makes you concentrate on the negatives.

Meg- good luck tomorrow.

Questions..when I spoke to my H over the weekend..he said we should probably talk more..but he hasn't really reached out very much...just little things here or there. Should I make some kind of effort in trying to reconnect? Or should I let him be the leader in all of this?
From livestrong:
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

How do I balance attempting to reconnect and detaching at the same time? I think the above advice is the most challenging for me to follow.

[Truegritter]

Lola

You will know what is right for you. If you decide to talk to him do it for you and your goals. Yes you need goals. Maybe it is to give your self time without buying into this drama. Then if any of those goals is talking to H then do it. I will say I think you should not concentrate on your M right now. That's what my IC just told me. He's (H) not even ready to do this. YOU have been the gas driving this engine. You got to get into your own car now. Let him ride with you when you want to but when he talks about your R or M then let him off at the curve, politely. IOW I don't think reconnecting should be one of your goals right now.

You will recognize nondetaching behavior. It will make you feel sh*t.

For example I feel like sh*t today...long story.

Grit