H, that was wonderful! I'm sorry about your Dad. I know, it just makes everything seem sadder. But I do feel like she's looking down, giving me strength.
Aver, my Mom and yours sound like relatives! Much as I miss my Mom I am glad she doesn't have to see the wreckage of my M. Direct, strong, opinionated, she would have some choice words for H! I can only imagine her reaction to this! I am sorry you lost yours too.
When I met w L a few wks ago, she asked if I'd ask for alimony. I was like what? I mean no kids, I've always worked full time. Guess I should also mention, in fairness, that H whose 401K is considerably larger than mine, is splitting it 50/50. So I guess he's not out to ruin me. Financially at least.
I will consider your comments though. Finances & all that have never been my strength. I've always been frugal and sensible w money but never been that saavy, and it does worry me that I "start over" with so little. After all, I've paid 1/2 the mortgage for 11 yrs., that has to be like $60k or something. Anyway, something to work on this weekend.
Well, time to send H an email about a large withdrawal. I'll be expecting an email back asking if I know when I'm moving. Yuck. I am going to make some plans for this weekend. I need to work on that "Strong independent" part of my goals!
Hope you two also have nice weekends. I'll check back soon. Thanks friends. (((H))))) (((((Aver)))))
Yes, I understand that "alimony" doesn't resonate with no-children, modern, independent woman. Doesn't make sense, really. BUT--there is the house, there is the apartment--maybe not "alimony" but a short term continuing "support" until you are both on more equal footing.
Have you gotten yourself to FB, LFA? would love to chat with you there.
OK, so I received this email from H yesterday, in reply to mine advising that my paycheck split had gone through: "Hi,
I noticed that. I had to transfer money from the savings acct to pay the mortgage today. I'll put it back in when I get paid this week.
I know I had mentioned before that I might need to move into the apartment but I'm going to be moving into the apartment either this weekend or next week. The friend I'm staying with needs me to be out before the beginning of April.
I'll turn in my direct deposit this week putting half into the joint account and half into my personal one.
Thanks"
So he's moving into the apt. this weekend!! Holy Cr*p! Any words of wisdom out there? I have been looking for an apt. but have I taken too long to leave? I don't want to be there w him right next door! Good lord, I've been sick this week. I really don't feel like dealing with this. Think I will talk to my brother asap about moving in w him.
Aver! Thanks friend! You are awesome, the GAL Queen! Plus an incredible set designer & lighter -- I bet your theatre group LOVE you - what a great way to GAL & give back.
Yes, well I knew this was coming. I've been sick (not too bad, sore throat) generally feeling crappy since Sunday, so I've lost time I planned to be looking at places. It will be very weird if I see him, & odds are I will, very soon. I have not seen him (or spoken to him) since Nov.
I had a dream about him the other night, & I realized I have kind of forgotten what he looks like, they way you can when you don't see somebody for a long time. It wasnt' a good dream, he was talking "at" me, the way he does now. Just the way you talk to a stranger. And that is realistic, & how he (& I have) have talked for a year now.
Yes, my one-year "bomb-aversary" (using Kara's term) was this past Saturday. One whole year since the bomb - March 14, 2009. Hard to believe it & in some ways it feels like many more years than that.
I sort of feel like I should be more progressed along than I am. But I guess in some ways I have. For me, I know the M is over. It took a long time to get to the point to say that. Now it feels like all that's left is cleaning up the wreckage. And it seems to take forever! Thanks to this board I know that's not all - time to go back to my goals, & really get back to working on myself. I want to be that strong independent LFA I was in my 30s (& 20s).
So, thanks for replying so fast Av. Yeah, it's his place too but I still think I'll let my L know. I don't think he's supposed to just be walking into the house anymore unannounced, as he hasn't lived there in a yr. Just in case...
There is about 20 (15?) feet between the house & the garage! In other words, spitting distance. One good thing, I think he works nights now. The dogs are gonna go nuts when they see he's there. Ugggghhhh!! I want to go curl up in a corner. I won't though. Going to see my C today - wonder what she'll have to say @ this.
The issue with staying w my bro is his dog hates my dogs - seemed like it would create a stressful environment. But now is looking like the lesser of 2 evils! I'm going to call him shortly & get his thoughts.
Thanks for coming by. I'll try to stop over your thread today. I'm on FB but it's such a dorky page - it's all about work - virtually no personal info & a horrible picture. I'll try to get on there today & look for you. (((()))))
You made it. You're here. You have friends. You have a life.
My heart is so with you. If I had to go back to the pain of X living next door...
I hope you can work it out with your bro. It will be stressful with the dogs, yes. But maybe better than you think. And--as I am learning with The Work (do google The Work--really! it really helps) the future you imagine is SO much worse than the actual reality you are in.
It MAY not be as bad as you think it will be. You may be able to look at him and say: this was my husband. Now it is a man, a man I do not think very much of anymore.
I find FB a bit annoying, but it is nice to sit in tech rehearsal and scope out my DB'ing friends. I don't go to my "real" FB page anymore--too much college friends from when we were together.
I suggest meeting up there so we can talk more privately if we want.
I don't think Happy Belated Bombaversary has quite the ring I'm looking for so I'll just congratulate you on having made it in one piece and in your right mind. I'll drink to that!!
Listen, don't pressure yourself too much if you can't move to your brother's place. You could actually use the time you have to be near your H for YOU to shine to yourself and prove that you can handle it!! It will pass. Everything does. Remember when you were at school and had a test in your least favorite subject and you dreaded the day of that test? Well, it eventually passed, right? If you have to be near your H you can demonstrate in a mature, not "mean-girl" way that you are sexy, have it together and are not broken.
Reading that was a nice lift! Aver, I am going to check out the Work, as soon as this pesky work gets out of my way! SO annoying! I am looking at laptops, got some good IT advice, now I just need go to Dell & order the darn thing!
It's true, H is legally still my H but he is not in every other way. A stranger is what he is. And you're right, one I think very differently of than I used to. How to reconcile this guy with the man I loved, married & lived with for almost 15 yrs. - I don't think I ever can.
So, update: I talked to my brother yesterday & he is OK w me staying there. (he's "under" employed & can use some $$, I would help him with bills but not really pay rent. I think it would be far less than renting). We have to figure out the pups situation but I think that's doable.
And, Kara, there will be overlap. There's no way I'll be able to move this weekend or next anyway. Plus at some pt. I have to go over the taxes before he submits. So I know I'll be having to see him. I might as well take that attitude,-- if I can pull it off!!
I am getting new glasses that I think are rather sassy if I do say so myself (old ones broke), and I've been trying to pay more attn. to my appearance. I know the 180s & PMA are not surface chgs. but I guess it doesn't hurt to put it in a better looking package if I can!
Also waiting to hear back from L on timing of house transfer & my financial responsibility to pay the mortgage. Gotta get that cr. card pd off!
Well, I have lots to do. My C encouraged me to do something nice for myself so I'll try to plan something fun for this wkend, and plot out my timetable. Much to do! Thank you dear friends for stopping by. I hope you are both doing well - Kara I will stop by your thread soon, hope you are as fabulous as always! Talk soon, (((()))))
LFA, I'm a firm believer that looking good outside makes you feel good inside. Nothing to be ashamed of. Sassy glasses are awesome! I got a red pair last year that have silver skulls and crossbones on the side. You've inspired me to wear them out to dinner tonight.
I think Kara is right. Having H see you coming and going looking good and happy with your life is a good thing.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm with Pearl. I should have pointed out the excellent op to swing out the front door looking good! Whistle. Swing your handbag. And I love funky glasses!
You are doing what I do-imagining the worst. Living in a worse future than the current reality. Live where/how is comfortable for you. Repeat: I can handle it
You all know I'm talking to myself here, right?? Pots and kettles!
