H and I had lengthy text conversations last night, and as predicted, he pulled back slightly. I'll try to summarize a couple hours of texting below.
Special note to the reader: Please recall that I have learned that a 180 for me is to share feelings, be vulnerable, articulate specific emotions, and openly and repeatedly express love. I have gotten more results from these methods than going dark and acting upbeat and positive.
8: [after a few texts about bills] Thank you for helping me keep the bills organized. I'm overwhelmed, and I appreciate your help.
H: I know ur overwhelmed. The situation is overwhelming. But everything will be fine, ull be fine, the house is in good shape, u have [your mom's] retirement payment that will cover the mortgage and most of the bills then ur check is enough to do whatever u want to do plus save some if u choose. [Side note: money has been an issue at times. I make more money, I receive my late mother's retirement, and the house is technically mine.]
8: That's not my focus. I don't care about my financial well-being. I'm overwhelmed with other things.
H: I know that too and I am srry. I never planned for things to work out like this, but it's where we are.
8: Yes, I know. I'm struggling to handle your rejection of me, so please don't tell me that things will be okay. I am trying to deal with feeling betrayed and abandoned. I understand your perspective and how you'd think everything will be okay and work out. Forgive me if I disagree. In a lot of ways I have been a fool, and I'll work through that part, too
H: You are not a fool and I'm sorry u feel betrayed but I was there for you for a long time especially when it counted and even though I don't feel like you cared about me or my feelings for a lot of our time together I don't harbor any anger or ill will toward you and I'm srry that it seems that u might towards me at this point. This would be much easier if anger were involved but I don't feel angry I just feel sad that it didn't work. And me leaving is not a rejection of you, it's a change of situation for the better. You are a beautiful good person and deserve to be with someone who allows you to feel good about yourself without having to change who u r. I love you and always have but the situation was not happy for me.
8: I'm not angry. I told you--I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel like you made a promise and you broke it. I am a fool because I believed that everything was okay. I was wrong, and that's hard for me to process and accept. I did care, but I was very sick for a while. I appreciate your being there. I never would have made it without you. However, I also feel like you kept a lot of things that you felt bottled up, and I never knew about them. I never had a chance to correct some things that drove you to leave. I may not have behaved as I should have, but my commitment to you has never wavered. I still love you, no matter what.
H: I'm sorry you feel that way. Abandoned, fooled, promised something and then having it broken
8: And I'm sorry that you felt like this was so bad that you want to end your life with me. We were happy once and could be again. It hurts that have so little faith in us and in me. I do feel abandoned and rejected, and I do feel like you've broken a promise. I don't mean to anger or offend you. And it's not about me changing. It's about both of us learning to communicate better with each other. I feel like you can't see the rainbow for the rain. My commitment to you and our marriage is unchanging. I'll be here for you always.
And this is where I said good night.
Though some of his words hurt me to read, I'm glad that he was open with me about how he felt. It gives me direction. I'm also glad that I was able to demonstrate my 180s by showing my genuine feelings (difficult though it is for me to share so openly).
Stay tuned for the next post--H overcomes the pullback and becomes irate and protective over my unpleasant work situation.
