Question

[Kalni]

awest, you are not at this for a year, "it has been 10 years of you knowing about OW..." meaning he was 17 and had the affair when you decided to marry him?

IMO, your H is still acting as a boy. He needs to grow up and by the time he does, you will be again ahead of him... Make your and your son's life your priority and do what you have to to protect your financial state, end the limbo, feel free and not a hostage of your H. If he wakes up, he can sprint to catch up with you.
K

[awest1217]

No, I didn't decide to marry him until we were both in college, when we were both 21. However all during the dating phase there was always someone else in the picture besides me. Then when we got engaged I thought that would end, just to find out his 5th year of college there was another girl he was "falling for", plus the very first girl he ever "cheated" on me with when we were dating reaccured. Then the Thursday before we got married I got an annonymous letter in the mail to our apartment saying how my H would always love this other girl and some other stuff. I almost cancelled the wedding then, but the girls who went to school with H and were in the wedding assured me this was just a prank from the marching band and that H has always be faithful to me (later to find out one of those girls knew H liked someone else while we were engaged). Then since we have been married, I would find strange texts or e-mails and many times almost left him before S, but H always said he had a problem and wanted to fix it because he loved me and wanted to be with me. This latest OW is the first one that he left me for. He always kept on going with the others, but always behind my back. Never in the open and he never left me, but he says before he never had the opportunity to because he was living with his parents and did not have the money. He said this might have happened the other times, if he had the means (He said this probably 6 months ago).

So yes I know I need to get out from under him because ultimately he has been controlling and emotionally abusing me for years. I honestly have been exhibiting classic battered wife syndrome for a very long time, but now the complication is S. For him I know I need to get away from H because I don't want S to learn from H these behaviors, but I definitely need to figure out how to help S. He is really concerning me. People who say kids are resilient, especially when they are younger have never seen what happens to a kid going through this. S has been very aggressive at school and it has been escalating since January. He won't sleep in his own bed. He wouldn't let me buy him new shoes because "daddy bought him" his old shoes. It is all very sad. I sent H a text after S had a particularly rough night last night that as soon as he gets back, we need to meet to talk about S. I am not going to discuss S's issues over the phone or e-mail so I told him we need to meet. S needs a father figure full time or not at all (full time meaning H agrees to a set visitation). I have my brother and many guys at church who have tried to get close to S and are close with S, but it isn't the same. It just tears my heart up knowing S needs help, but he doesn't know how to say it. He is so angry all the time now. Does anyone know the youngest a therapist will see a child? I am seriously looking into getting him in with someone, but I want to talk to H first so he knows what is going on because I want to be the good parent and not keep H from S so we do need to agree.

Anyway that is all for now. I am hanging on. Very tired with the time change and being at the hospital all day yesterday, but only 2.5 weeks until spring break!

[awest1217]

So a good day, and a productive night, but then I gave S a bath...he has been complaining for a day or two about his ears "hurting", which is usually code for my ears itch and need to be cleaned. So after his bath, I went to clean his ears and one ear has dried blood that looks like it is coming from inside his ear. I am not too worried, but from the internet it says it could be a ruptured ear drum (which I am ruling out because he would be in a lot of pain), he put something in his ear and cut it (possibility, but I don't know what), or his tube is not right. I am calling the doctor tomorrow so hoping all is well.

I then called H, although I know he is in Indy for his work conference, but S's ear is bleeding...something to tell his dad. The phone was dead. H probably didn't bring his charger because he doesn't think about anything. No big deal, but I just don't understand how he can say he wants to be with me, but doesn't want to be a full time dad meaning answering phones when S is sick, etc. Who knows, and not for me to worry about. More writing it in case I need to remind myself later.

[Kalni]

Could be a ruptured ear drum as well. My goddaughter had it twice with no pain involved! Apparently in her sleep!

You sound strong, good for you.
xxx
K

[ClingingToHope]

Sometimes people focus on other's problems so that they don't have to face their own. That might be what your grandmother is doing.

You know it's weird, I've always liked having a small family because I don't have those entanglements that someone from a large family has.

My parents are gone. I just have the one sister.

But in this situation, my aunt and sister have rallied around me even though I haven't been the greatest towards them. So today I envy people who have a large family. Yes, as you get older you have more to help with. But in your time of need they'll be there for you too.

I even envy W a bit. Her mom and her sister are filling some of the void that I used to fill. That hurts a bit. But blood is thicker than water.

I hope your brother and grandmother get well soon so you can clear your mind a bit.

[ClingingToHope]

What are your spring break plans? Looks like yours is the same week as my girls. We're going to Florida for part of it.

[awest1217]

I don't really have any plans except filing that week. Also doing the spring cleaning, especially since i will have a lot more space in the house.

Called S's ear doctor and she called in some ear drops to use and watch him. She did not seem concerned so I am not either. I tried H's phone this morning (letting it ring once so it didn't actually pick up) to see if it was really dead or just not on...just not on. He hasn't checked in to see how S is doing. That is the only thing now that boils me. I am ok with him not talking to me, but to not have any concern for S, or answer his phone when I call because I only call when it is important, it just really upsets me because it is his son.

Oh well...today is going really well. Very busy, but it is beautiful outside so S and I will first get his ear drops then either go to the park or rake the yard, whichever he prefers.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. It was a beautiful day and I spent three hours with the girls after school. They got muddy in the creek, cleaned trash out of the woods (their idea), played with kids at the complex, in D11's case -- caught up on her reading, and then I walked them to W's when she got home.

You know I looked good when I got to W's. So today was a shining day. My heart was breaking as I walked away. But I thought to myself, I was a great dad today and I'll never fail my family. W will have to live with the fact she threw someone dedicated to her happiness to the curb.

I hope your S is feeling better. I had terrible ear problems growing up. Frequent ear infections. Thirteen sets of tubes. I still have hearing loss in my left year. Definitely not fun.

Any Chicago trips planned this summer.

[awest1217]

I am not making any future plans right now because I don't know where I will be then. Last night after getting S's medicince and some other little things, S wanted to rake so we got the front yard done. Hopefully since I have raked the yard and landscaped areas, I won't have to weed as much picking all the little trees trying to grow from the tree seeds.

Today is a bad day for me. First, we have a meeting after work about the budget and the final decisions. Found out yesterday that if the retirement incentive didn't encourage the final two science teachers to retire...I would be out of a job. Thank God he worked that out for me. However today is when we will find out how many more teachers are being RIFed and about salaries. Very scary especially because I am dealing with all of this on my own. So much of my life rides on if I can afford the house, a D, etc.

Second, H tried to talk or text me a lot yesterday. First he sent one during the day that said thank you for keeping him posted about S. Then after work he sends me a text with the usual I hope you had a good day and then surprisingly he asked how my grandma was (I think he was just trying to start a conversation, which I am not going to do over texting anymore). I did answer his question and said thank you for asking. Then he continued with asking about S and me. I answered all the questions specifically, and to be nice asked about his day. Once he told me I said I am glad he is enjoying the conference and enjoy your evening. I ended the conversation as soon as possible and I think he noticed. About an hour later I get a text that says i love you with a sad crying face. I sent one back that said i love you too. i always have and I always will. I haven't told him I love him for two weeks.

Then last night at 10:30 I get another i love you with a sad crying face. I am not going to deal with him guilting me so I asked what the tears were for. He said he has had an emotional few weeks. I asked if there was anything more specific. He said he is trying to wrap his head around what is going on and talking to some new people about the sitch. (like that is really more specific) I asked if it was helping. He said i think so. Then I said good and I just want you to be happy and left it at that. Of course then I didn't sleep well the rest of the night, but oh well. He comes back today after being gone since Friday so I don't know what to expect because he didn't know where he was going to sleep when he got back based on what he said Friday. He will have a ton of work to catch up on, so I am figuring he won't have time for S or I to figure out the visitation or anything, but I am going to push for answers to those questions.

I knew this was going to happen soon. It is the typical cycle for him. Completely ignore me for a few weeks then start the random sad texts until I give in and things go back to him seeing us one or two times a week, we text every day, and then after a few weeks he goes back to ignoring because he is "too busy", and the cycle starts back over. I am off the hamster wheel. If he wants this to continue he is going to have to show some serious changes.

It is just weird that as this is happening with us, his little brother who has been pursuing the same girl for a year, and treating her the same way H treats me, put on his FB status "how do you know you love someone? when it is over..." The girl finally is completely done with him. She is a senior in high school and does not need to deal with this like I have for forever. It is just funny how both boys (the third one just lives at home, although he makes $30k a year, and never dates) are going through the same thing at the same time. Very strange, but we will see what today brings. I am going to try to not focus on it because H won't make a decision and even if he did, he is not one to talk to me about it so I am not going to worry. I just have to stick to my guns.

[Lucky11too]

It's been an eventful few days for you. So sorry to hear about S and your grandma, but glad they are doing better now. I'm noticed that no matter how much you try to protect the ones you love from all this craziniess, it still becomes a family affair because they care! When my mom went thru all the illness last fall and they couldn't figure out what was causing it, the only other thought was that it was caused by stress, and the only stress in her life is my sitch. Even though I know it's not my fault, it's still hard to see my life affecting others. Now I specifically don't tell her all the ups and downs with H, but it's also hard to loose her to talk to.

Interesting about H. Like you said, this is his normal cycle. But the thing I found most interesting though is that he talked to some people about the sitch. I just wonder what direction they were encouraging him to take. I hope they were good quality people giving him sound advice. From his texts, he just sounds like a very broken man who is already having to stew in the mess he's made. Just keep doing what you know is right and he either will or won't come around. You can't control that, but you can refuse to not continue on the hampster wheel with him. I thought you really did excellent with that on your responses to him and it sounded like he was a bit shocked by it all. But words are still just words, and we're still missing the actual actions. Good luck with the meeting today and hopefully you'll have the outcome you need so that you will still have options in which way you want to take this all (house, D or no D, etc).