The EA bomb dropped by misdirected text

[SoftHeart]

Not much to report since NC mutually agreed to for the duration of the month...he's kept it up since the last text on Thursday.

In the meantime, I brought 5 bags of clothes to Goodwill today and had a great IC appt (IC is moved me to eo week now, since she thinks I'm making great progress). Working on clearing the house and getting ready for future sale (sooooo sad!).

It's the loneliness that is getting to me: the 'missing my best friend' stuff. But I have to remember that this person (alien) is NOT and likely will never be that person again. So, here's what I've done to remedy this so far:

I invited myself over to my neighbors' house on Saturday night (they have been so kind!) and another neighbors' last night (them too!)...just to hang out and have some company. They are all floored and concerned collectively (knowing how loving our M seemed to them), and trying to figure out ways that I can keep the house (but it's pretty hopeless). And, on Thursday one of my fellow doctoral candidate buddies is coming to stay with me for a couple of nights (bless her!). I've been trying to reach out to friends old & new, but most seem to be in avoidance mode...that's the trouble with trouble, people fear it's not good company and they don't know what to say/do, so they avoid...

I've also joined two area Meetup groups... to see how that goes and registered to attend an open house at a local Buddhist center (practicing Buddhist, but spiritual universalist when it comes to all religions and the importance of faith).

Today I also sent a resume to a potential FT job (with benefits!) that was sent to me by one of my volunteer contacts. Seems like a great opportunity, livable but not the best pay...but the benefits will make me less nervous about pending end of HIS benefits.

The pain of being alone and missing my life companion of 13 years is really difficult sometimes, but I know he's not even thinking about me right now - lost as he is in being a teenager again... It's best that I have removed myself as the object of blaming so that he might begin to recognize that the pain is coming from internal, not external, sources and needs to be dealt with INSIDE and not spewed on me!

I know that I am a passionate, talented, enthusiastic person who can endure much! That's what counts. I already HAD a life...I'm just piecing it back together and trying to re-seat my passions once again to keep moving forward into the life I love to look at that I was already building before he melted down. He had over-identified with what I was doing (my challenges and successes) and lost himself...lost his own identity...but I know that AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for that!

I will forge on and try hard to detach from his roller coaster. It's much easier with NC...but he's STILL always in my head (and my love for him and belief in reconciliation endures).

Thanks for listening (reading?) and any comments or encouragement you might offer!

SH