Hi I have been reading the boards for I while now. I need some advice please.
I dont want to get into the whole story about how I got to where I am just yet but presently it is as follows
Separated (2 weeks now but she dropped the bomb in Dec already)with no talk of reconciliation, D mentioned once or twice but sometimes reaveals a glimmer of hope. ( I dont get excited about that anymore as if I mention anything I just get shot down and push even further away Doesn’t really see herself as my wife anymore so might see another relationship as justified. I really did screw up so she really holds all the cards here. Her attitude is that she needs to find herself again and has this huge journey she needs to go on to rediscover herself. That person she says she lost during our relationship
Heres my problem:
Did a bit of snooping on her facebook and texts.
Found messages on facebook to a friend she met at a previous company about 7yrs ago. At that time we were temporarily separated too (but not married yet) she did admit she was attracted to him at the time but nothing happened between them (she said she was attracted to him because he looked and reminded her of me) Messages were not suggestive, but she did go into detail about our situation and how she is on that journey she is always going on about lately. This bugs me as I feel that she shouldnt be telling these Male "friends" about our troubles and then exposing her weaknesses to them (the journey thing)giving them all the info they need to push her buttons - - cue sensitive deep caring male type
Found texts on phone from a work friend. she has spoken to me 1 or 2 times about him and likes how “deep and philosophical” he is. But he supposedly happily married with 2 kids, and 13 yrs older than her. I was not comfortable with the endearing terms he used in his texts. I did confront her about these and she said that obviously she found the attention flattering considering the situation we are in, but seeing someone else is the last thing on her mind. She says he has lots of female friends and she definitely doesn’t have any interest in him and he sees her as just a friend too. Found photos on our camera she took when she went out for her sisters Bday. Pics with who I assume is him (I haven’t seen him yet) They went to a salsa type club and there were some pics with them dancing together, and some posed photos. There were photos of him and some of the other girls (he was the only guy there) but you could see his body language in the photos of them together that he was quite enjoying her company. Her body language wasn’t like she was into him or anything but she wasn’t uncomfortable around him. She doesn’t know I have seen the photos, but when I was at the house (where she still lives) today the camera was on the dining room table – that’s when I looked at the photos. She discretely moved the camera to behind the study desk when she got home.
My dilemma is: given my sitch, where I am the bad guy and she has no desire to save our relationship. So anything I know I cant really tell her as her finding out I have been spying on her will make her trust me even less than she already does - if thats possible. My concern is that she is very vunerable right now, and anyone taking advantage of that will just end up messing her up even more. My wife has always had a good head on her and I dont think having an affair is something on her to do list, but in her emotional state she is easy picking for some supposed "deep soul just looking for friendship"
The person I am most worried about is the work friend. I cant really say anything to her just yet and I dont have any proof of anything, but I know that he has motives of bieng more than just friends. I even raised my concern about this before she told me that she was leaving me (when everything was supposedly not so bad)but she was convinced he is not a threat.
Baxsically I just want to know what to do. I can t really confront her. Do I contact him - but if I do he might tell her and that would make me look bad.
I hope all of this makes sense. Any advice highly appreciated
