feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

Awoken I'm glad to see you here and please do post I appreciate it! I've thought about too much time going by too. It's been 5 weeks since I emailed the homewrecker.

I don't want too much more time to go by either!

Talia - I'm working on getting a hold of him. I need help you guys - should I file first then go to owH? or should I go to him first and wait?

I'm wondering what to do first....please chime in.

[Awoken]

You could do both; it depends on what you are intending.

I do think you should contact OWH; You may be fearing to do it, because it could further drive your husband away. I don't know what the consensus is here, but my feeling is that our WAS's are already gone. What is he gonna do? Walk away again?

Both Puppy and Sandi recommended I file for D first, before my W, as a way of taking control of the situation. Understand, I did not want a divorce, and this is not what they where suggesting. It would've been part of me detaching and moving on with my life. Maybe it would've woken my W up. Unfortunately, I didn't take their advice, and my W filed first. She has been in the drivers seat.

I think you could file for divorce if you are trying to save your marriage, and you have reached a last resort situation. However, I generally think it's better to delay D as long as you can. Like they say all the time: this is a marathon, not a sprint.

hang in there.

[CityGirl]

My take is a bit different and this is based on my experience only.

I pretty much feel once you file for divorce things are done. While it does happen, maybe more than *I* think, I tend to think once a divorce is filed that is it. So, if you are ready to file for divorce, ready for your marriage to end and ready to be 110% done then go ahead and file.

I understand the idea behind letting OW's H know about the affair. However, if you do expose it BEFORE you file for divorce you are giving both your H and OW plenty of time to cover their tracks, get their stories straight and create a scenario where the affair cannot be part of the D proceedings. If CA is a "no fault" state (I think it is?) maybe that won't matter so much. I would seek legal counsel before you do anything.

I rarely think divorce filings shocks a WAS into doing anything like many of us hope for... especially when there is a PA/EA affair happening.

[luvless]

Thanks A & CG

I tend to think once I go down that path...that's it! I do want to be the first one though. I don't want to be served first.

My H is in a cold cold place and doesn't seem to even want to make it work so...I'm making my final decisions on an atty.

In California..it's nobody's fault right? no accountability for broken contracts...hmm

Oh well back to the hunt - and other readers don't hesitate to leave your opinion!

[talia]

My vote...
Kick H's sorry A$$ out... call OW's H and fill him in, call select family and friends to expose the A... File a separation agreement all at the same time if you are worried about protecting yourself legally and.... wait......



T

[mindfull]

Wonder how Talia feels?




HUGS T!

[talia]

That post is missing the tongue in cheek, teasing, MOSTLY serious tone I had in my head when I wrote it....



Seriously.. SOMEWHERE on here.. I can't seem to find it... Gucci has some posts that talk about this. SOMEONE find the link....

It includes some kind of nicely worded speech about how you will no longer live in an open marriage, and unless S cuts off all contact with OP and works toward fixing the M they need to move out immediately....

HI MIND!!! I don't mince words...

I will keep looking....



T

[luvless]

Talia! thank you girl..love that you're taking time out to dig up Gucci stuff.

I'll take a look around myself to see what I can find.

[Awoken]

I do want to be the first one though. I don't want to be served first.

I know this will sound like I'm contradicting myself: Unless you are filing D to take control of the sitch, I'm not sure it matters who files first. I'm sure it cost my W more money to file first. Of course, I had already separated our finances to protect myself and the family ( I should have done it sooner!

Another factor, which I honestly didn't plan on, is how it affected my kids. They both know that W filed for divorce. They both know I'm the one that was fighting for the M. This has good and bad elements. It has likely hurt their R with mom, although she had already done damage to their R. I suppose it makes me look better for now, although I can tell they are occasionally angry with me for not being able to keep the M together. I know for sure that my W resents that I "made" her file for D.

Only you will know whats best, but I think the matter of who files first shouldn't be a deciding factor.

I remember how hard it was contemplating the decision about filing was for me, how on edge it made me. It surprised me when she filed first (sooner than I thought). Hang in there luv.

[luvless]

Thanks Awoken yeah I know what you mean about the kids I get that. I see them very visibly disgusted by their dad yet a little resenting me for not being able to somehow make it work. It's just not fair.

I think after all I've been through I just don't want to be thrown those ugly papers first. It may be a shallow way of thinking but that's how I feel.

I want to control something here - at least let me throw them at him!