The list....well, lots of it has to go...but it's true according to His Needs/Her Needs that men want their homes to be their safe havens from the world...they want their homes to be a place where they can come home, smell the pleasant aroma of dinner cooking in the oven, partake in conflict free conversation, relax in front of the television, and go to bed and make love...early enough to get up the next morning refreshed and do it all over again... Creating a fair division of labor helps...so talking to him about what chores he's willing to do can help take the burden off of you....mine does primarily all the outside work...I do the inside work...and I garden by choice....but I NEVER mow the lawn, plow the driveway, or haul the garbage away...H does some cooking, as he likes to do this and he will help fold laundry and has been known to scrub a pot or pan now and then.....most of the housework falls on me...but I'm ok with that.... His Needs/Her Needs suggests that you do the things that he wants done the most first...and leave the rest for when you can get to it...ie. if he needs (God forbid) something ironed for work and that will make him happiest...iron it for him....(or buy him permanent press, if you're me..lol)
Just thought you all might find this an interesting additional side commentary to the list......
Oh, yes and if he stays out all night..do what my mom always did...make him a lovely cup of coffee for his hangover...but add SALT not sugar to the coffee...it's sure to wake him up LOLOLOLOLOL
Quote: Oh, yes and if he stays out all night..do what my mom always did...make him a lovely cup of coffee for his hangover...but add SALT not sugar to the coffee...it's sure to wake him up LOLOLOLOLOL
ROFLMAO!!! Now that is funny!
I can see some of the HIS?HER thing working out...too an extent
Around here I do just about EVERYTHING that applies to the house, garden, yard,cooking, cleaning, animals and some other misc. stuff. Now that is not to say H doesn't do anything...it is mostly becasue I have the experience and knowledge needed for those things that H doesn't have I have pretty much taught him everything I know about cars now so he has taken that task over He still will come and get me if he can't figure something out but it is more to bounce ideas off of me rather then for me to fix it instead...the funny thing is is that H BRAGS to people that I taught him everything he knows about cars
He is getting ready to start taking over the home repairs now too H's first step in this direction is to remove and replace the insulation in the attic...I'm willing to take bets on how long it takes before he gets discouraged...LOL! Actually, I shouldn't say his FIRST step...he did replace some plumbing under the house while I guided him through it I will say that he is happy to do the work as long as I'm there to let him know if he is doing it right or what the next step is I'm hoping that once I get him up to speed on this kind of stuff then I can get him to tackle doing an addition to the house with me!
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I think of myself as handy, but everywhere I look at home I see half-finished projects. I like the phase where you plan, get started, feel satisfied with the initial work, it's going well... then start seeking out the first phase again with some other project.
Funny, the article you posted, my MIL sent it to my W as a joke when we got married. MIL is a raging feminist.
Well, the good stuff in there is good for guys too, right? Maybe we should make it a project to compose an updated version of the article for couples - men and women. I think that's a great idea! Okay, my part is done.
Thank you all for the TG greetings! {{{{{to all}}}}}
H and I had a wonderful holiday...probably the best we have ever had We spent most of the holiday with family and finally had yesterday to ourselves which for the most part went well
I won't say that everything was perfect...I started to dive headfirst down a cheeseless tunnel (convo was initiated by H)yesterday but as soon as the edginess started creeping in to H's voice I backed off. I then waited for H to initiate further convo on what I hoped would be a different subject After about 10 minutes of silence he did and we were Ok then. I did spend the rest of the day feeling kind of sad...not down in a funk depressed but weary and just SAD.
The "tunnel" was the A I told H my point of view about some of the things he said and that those things brought the idea up to me that it was too possible that H might do the same thing again. H said he "liked to think that he wouldn't" but then, he had thought that before and it did, so he didn't KNOW if he wouldn't do it again This is when the edginess started to creep in. H said he was only being honest with me,like I asked him to, rather then placate me as he did before. I didn't really get angry or upset by this but the idea of the possibility saddened me greatly H did say that he no longer had any doubts about "US" and thought that "we' were just getting better all of the time so I spent the rest of the day clinging to that little bit to keep myself from totally downturning.
H knew there was something up though I was mostly quit the rest of the night.
More later, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo, why don't you follow up with some validation? Tell him you appreciate his fortrightness and would like him to continue to trust you with his thoughts and feelings, even if you may not like them. And tell him you will learn not to react to them in time.
And it would not hurt if at some time in the future he reads "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. In case you have not read it, it shows how easy it is to go down the slippery slope of an A and teaches some techniques to recognize danger and avoid it.
Just a thought...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Quote: H said he "liked to think that he wouldn't" but then, he had thought that before and it did, so he didn't KNOW if he wouldn't do it again This is when the edginess started to creep in. H said he was only being honest with me,like I asked him to, rather then placate me as he did before. I didn't really get angry or upset by this but the idea of the possibility saddened me greatly
I don't if this helps or not. The reality is there are no gaurantees in life. I mean this could happen to YOU, to anybody, nobody can predict the future. We could die suddenly, we could get cancer, anything. Just continue to be the best YOU that you can be and detach, don't let this happening again be your only focus. To know there is no guarantee, in a way guarantees that you will continue to be the best YOU that you can be...if it does happen again...it's not about YOU. It's about your H.
Quote: H did say that he no longer had any doubts about "US" and thought that "we' were just getting better all of the time
Focus on this!! This is wonderful! This is awesome, this is where you need to be and your H sounds like he is there. You need to take this positive and keep it in front of the negative, do a 180 in your thinking.
I did validate H and tell him that I appreciated his honesty...it didn't make ME feel any less sad though I still can't help looking at it from the point of view that he is giving himself a pretty good OUT by living it like that. Then, IF it does happen again he can say that he made me no promises or guarantees and will use that to condone his behaviour so he can live with himself easier then he did the last time. It is almost like he just doesn't want to take responsibility for any of his actions...he STILL vehemently claims the A "just happened"! OW asked him if he wanted to and he obliged her How can that NOT leave things open for that scenario to play out again?
I do the best that I can every day to keep HOME a place he wants to be. I know that that is all I can do and hope it works for the best. I THOUGHT I was doing that before though and look where that got me
I should be HAPPY that my R is better then it ever has been...I should be able to shrug off those little "things" that I see that were clues to what happened the last time. I drive myself nuts because I can't cut through the emotional BS and look at it from my usual logical viewpoint. Too much darn "what-if"
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I'm hoping that once I get him up to speed on this kind of stuff then I can get him to tackle doing an addition to the house with me! 
I told H my point of view about some of the things he said and that those things brought the idea up to me that it was too possible that H might do the same thing again. H said he "liked to think that he wouldn't" but then, he had thought that before and it did, so he didn't KNOW if he wouldn't do it again 
and he obliged her 