setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

[newmama]

Thanks blownaway! Don't send it!!

But if you do want to explain to him that you need peace to be left alone, I advise that it be short- 4-5 sentences long. And kind, not bossy. ONLY because he will actually be receptive to the email and not get so angry that he will not "comprehend" it Do you know what I mean?

No contact is done best, IMO, if there is an explanation to the WAS about why you are doing it. Otherwise it comes across as a childish game. But the truth is that it is too painful to see him right now and you would like him to please respect your need for space. YOu love him and want to stay married to him but cannot see him while he is___________ (with OW, not wanting to work on the marriage, etc- choose your phrase). I still love that letter from Penny!

[Piano]

Newmama, yes I do. It's a good job. The reason in fact we came back to my country. They held my position, god love 'em, for a couple of years. And I have good mat leave, and child care options. I count myself lucky.

Yes, I suppose he will write again. I do feel like the other email is a tad STRONG! (That's an understatement)

So working on a possible alternative.... how about something like:

"Dear -
Thanks for your email. Sorry things didn't go so well for you. It's a tough market - but I'm sure something will come up in time.
I have to let you know that have given this a lot of thought, and it's important to let you know that ending our marriage the way you did, by cutting and running, having an affair, while I am pregnant with our first child, and by being unwilling to attend marriage counseling, means I have no intention of being your freind, much less 'best friends'.
I get that your done with "us", and that right now our joint investment is in this child. But having space right is great for me and the baby, so thank you for respecting that.
Also, because I'll be on mat leave in 4 weeks time, I'm thinking through some practical issues to do with my income and our apartment. I'll be in touch about any decisions I make.
Take care"

Could remove bit in bold altogether if it stands out like a sore thumb & is aggressive too soon.

Thoughts? Delete this one too?

[Piano]

Thanks blownaway! Don't send it!!

But if you do want to explain to him that you need peace to be left alone, I advise that it be short- 4-5 sentences long. And kind, not bossy. ONLY because he will actually be receptive to the email and not get so angry that he will not "comprehend" it Do you know what I mean?

No contact is done best, IMO, if there is an explanation to the WAS about why you are doing it. Otherwise it comes across as a childish game.

Thanks NM - was writing the other post when I saw your latest. Very good advice as per usual, and I agree that any silence on my part looks like petulance or a tantrum of sorts. I think I can tone this email down further. Let me give it another try.

You mean Puppy or Penny?

[Piano]

the latest....

Dear -
Thanks for your email. Sorry things didn't go so well for you. It's a tough market, but I'm sure something will come up.

Though far from being my wish or choice, I understand that you are done with us, and you are very sure we have no future. The future we do have now is our joint investment is in this child...

Having space and peace right now is important for both me and her... we're doing well... so thanks for respecting this.

I’m also using this time to think things through and start making important changes –for me.

Though you say it's not important to go into the process of how we got here, I know you have legitimate complaints about my role in the dysfunction/breakdown of our marriage. I need to tell that by ending our marriage the way you have, by committing adultery, cutting and running, refusing marriage counselling, while I am pregnant, means I won’t be able to be your friend, much less best friend.

Just finally, I am also going over our finances - in four weeks time I’ll be on maternity leave at half-pay, and my salary will no longer cover the mortgage, my living expenses, yours and the baby costs. I have decided it’s not wise to eat into our savings, and it’s not sustainable anyway. I will, though, be in touch about any important decisions I make.

Take good care

Thanks for any comments/suggestions. although I would love to, I must refrain from saying "I love you" - I've said it over and over already, and WH just hates it.

I'm gonna sleep on this & keep my fingers away from any "send buttons' :-)

Thanks guys, you are great support.

[Piano]

I'll be mighty suprised if any of you great people have the patience to still be reading this.... I realise I need to work on these email drafts alone, before I rush asking for help.

Mental note: keep that for journaling!

BUT, I might as well finish what I started... I think this next one is the only one that is risk free. It's faithful to what my coach says I need to be doing. She says I am at Stage 1 "ask for NOTHING" stage - only create positive communication, that is based on detaching and releasing my WAH, and which shows me in a positive, friendly, confident light. And it's more succinct, as you rightly suggested, Newmama.


So....here goes:

"Thanks for keeping me up to date with what’s going on.
I am sorry things didn’t turn out as you'd hoped. It sounds tough out there, but you're bound to get a break eventually

Baby and I are doing well. Having space and peace right now is really important for both of us... thanks for respecting this.

My maternity leave (at ½ pay) starts in four weeks time. My salary will cover the mortgage for those 6 months I'm receiving payments, but there'll be nothing left to cover our combined living expenses plus baby costs. As I don’t believe eating into our savings is the way to go, I'll be making a few decisions in the next while re finances and living arrangements. I'll let you know what is happening.

Take care".

[newmama]

Well, the last email is better but it's too friendly. No, I meant "Penny" because the letter I copied into your thread was written by her (but Puppy might have edited it now that I think about it!)

Anyway, I would advise this email:

"Thanks for keeping me up to date with what’s going on.
I am sorry things didn’t turn out as you'd hoped. It sounds tough out there, but you're bound to get a break eventually

Baby and I are doing well. Having space and peace right now is really important for both of us... thanks for respecting this. I will let you know when I am ready to see you again.

My maternity leave (at ½ pay) starts in four weeks time. My salary will cover the mortgage for those 6 months I'm receiving payments, but there'll be nothing left to cover our combined living expenses plus baby costs. As I don’t believe eating into our savings is the way to go, I'll be making a few decisions in the next while re finances and living arrangements. I'll let you know what is happening.

Take care".

I really love how you "take charge" in the final paragraph. And I am torn about the Take care closing but remember to when I was no contact newmama and when I had to write an email regarding business matters, I signed it "take care" as well. So don't want to be hippocritical, lol!

So I added the comment about you letting him know when you will see him again because well, not to sound sexist but it is, men need black and white communication at times. By you saying "thanks for respecting my space" (in so many words) it sounde like you are are just thanking him. It didn't sound like "I can't see you know. Please respect my space." SO I added that last suggestion.

[newmama]

Piano, I am also reflecting on my actions over the last year and trying to think what I should have done differently to speed up the end of the A. The mistakes I made repeatedly (before I found DBing) were that I did the emotional begging or berrating or complaining about how unfair this is, or bringing up the status of our relationship.

Also, he was over at the house so much because I wanted him to bond with our son (now I realize our son would have been fine even if he saw him less because newborns' priority are their mom! They bond with dad around 3-4 months!)And being here meant he had more contact w/ me, too which was painful for me and allowed cake eating. On one hand it's helpful for them to see DBing efforts on our part, but really, when you are trying to survive the first month or 2 after the baby is born, there's not much energy (nor should there be) for DBing!!!



SO before the baby was born, I could have found a way to let him know that I want him to be able to see his son as much as he wants, but would need a balance between seeing him and protecting me from seeing my H since it is too painful to see him while we are not actively married. Shouldawouldacoulda...
I would have reduced the Sunday visits to 3 hours and the Saturday visits to 4 (one day is necessary to be free to run errands and get stuff done).

Let's see...when he last brought up divorce in October it was when I had been sad and crying. We all went to the store together and it was painful because we weren't a family.

Sorry for the rambling. Everyone's spouse is different and that is why I don't follow 100% of advice given! My only success is stalling the D at a minimum! Well and all the self improvements!

[Piano]

NM, thanks. I'm off to work so will reply later. Two quickies: while. Like your changes. Do you think the email too cold? and this letter from Penny Tuppy you posted in..having trouble locating where you posted it...?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

NM, thanks. I'm off to work so will reply later. Two quickies: while. Like your changes. Do you think the email too cold? and this letter from Penny Tuppy you posted in..having trouble locating where you posted it...?

Didja ever notice how, if you contract "Penny Tuppy," you get . . .

"Puppy"???

Hmmm . . . .

[jasper67]

nice work on not sending the e-mail...I do like the last one best...seems like you're doing well, just a bit stressed...

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